In a variety show, the host asked the cross-talk actor Yu Qian: "What are you most afraid of your son saying to you?" ”
Yu Qian said, "I am most afraid that he will not say anything." ”
"How's it going at school today?"
"The staff were very friendly and helpful."
"What class do you take?" What happened to you today? ”
"Always 'fine.'"
"This is what I am most afraid of, because you can't understand him, you can't enter his world, you feel that you can't control it, but he is not really independent, he has not formed his own outlook on life, so as a parent, I am afraid that my son will take a crooked road." 」
I don't know when it started, the children who used to circle around you and have you who couldn't finish talking suddenly became silent. They refuse to communicate with you, stop chatting with you, and are always perfunctory about your questions.
You no longer know what he's been doing at school today, you don't know how his recent learning status is, you don't know who his best friend is now, what books he's been reading lately you have absolutely no idea.
Huang Lei said: "It is not terrible for children to make mistakes, but they are afraid of not communicating with their parents. But why did the child and you become "strangers" living under one roof?
Every time I go to a friend's house, her 12-year-old daughter Inyin especially likes to chat with me, and she is very happy to say this and that. But I found that as soon as my mother came over, Yin Yin immediately became very quiet and did not say a word.
My friend said to me privately, "My daughter has not chatted with herself for a long time, and she says that my daughter is a sweet little cotton jacket, how can I still leak this piece?" ”
Later, when I talked to Yin Yin about this matter, the girl said lightly, "I have something to talk to her, every time I talk to my mother, my mother either teaches me or criticizes me, and she is annoyed." ”
Why is it that children with a strong desire to talk are silent all night? Some parents believe that this is an adolescent child making trouble. In fact, the indifference of the distance between the child and the parent is "made" by the parents themselves.
Never listen to what the child says
Yin Yin said that every time she talked to her mother, as soon as she opened her mouth, her mother began to talk about herself. You say east, she says west, never listen to what you say.
At every turn, he pulled the previous things, saying how hard he worked, saying how disobedient his daughter was, and at the end of each chat, it became Yin Yin's "criticism meeting", and the more her mother said it, the more angry she became, and the more she listened, the more aggrieved she became.
Therefore, the little girl simply stopped talking to her mother.
The biggest problem in communication between parents and children is that they don't listen with their ears open! We always close our ears and open our mouths, chattering and immersing ourselves in our own preaching.
In the book "Positive Discipline", it is said that parents who are unwilling to listen and understand their children's words may eventually lose the opportunity to listen, and in the end, the children are unwilling to say anything to their parents.
Preaching and accusations from above, so that the child has no chance to say what he wants, and gradually loses the courage to confess himself, and over time, the child will be full of disappointment and distrust of his parents, he thinks that he is not valued, not loved, and it is easy to have behavioral problems.
Parents don't talk about credit
Jojo once told his mother a little secret, he said that there were classmates in the class who were in love, and told his mother the name, Jojo told his mother, "This is a secret, don't tell anyone else." ”
Unexpectedly, Jojo's mother turned around and talked to the parents. After school that day, Jojo went home and threw a tantrum at his mother, questioning why her mother's words did not count, and making her classmates have a lot of opinions about themselves.
Qiao Qiao's mother said disapprovingly, "What secrets do the little broken children have, talk about love and delay learning, don't tell parents how to do it, this is all for your own good..."
Jojo is very disappointed in his mother's untrustworthiness, and has never told his mother any secrets, nor has he spoken to his mother, and even communication has become less, while Jojo's mother believes that children are just being pretentious and do not know that parents are for their own good.
In the eyes of many parents, children have no secrets. They think that the child's secret is very childish and ridiculous, and often share the child's secret with others without hesitation, even in front of the child, and then make fun of the child with everyone.
This kind of behavior seriously hurts the child's self-esteem, in the heart of such parents, they have never regarded the child as an independent person, never respected the child, it can be said that they regard the child's self-esteem as mud on the soles of their feet, trampling on it at will.
Communication is based on trust, but in the hearts of most children, parents are not trustworthy. Isn't it the greatest irony that you should obviously be the most trusted person in your child, but you have lost your child's trust in you?
I know a mother who is like a good friend with her child, and his boys are in high school, but the relationship with their parents is still very close, even if puberty is very stable, no one else's chickens fly dogs jump.
The boy once proudly said to me, "I am friends with my parents, and I can speak to them freely about anything I want."
The mom told me that they often talk together, especially on weekends and holidays, making a good table, drinking something, and talking while eating. Sometimes I will take my children to cafes, tea houses, and chat. The child trusts himself very much, what is in his heart, confused and speaks to himself, and he has always stood in the perspective of a friend to give the child guidance.
Educator Spencer said: "A sweet family, parents and children should have the best communication and mutual understanding and respect.
Parents should learn to open their ears and close their mouths
Socrates said, "God has given everyone two ears and only one mouth, which is to ask people to listen more and speak less." ”
The first step in communicating with children is to learn to listen more and talk less.
To listen to the child's real thoughts, his thoughts, his dreams, his confusion, sometimes we don't need to say anything more, just listen to it and give them the opportunity to confide in the closest people, it is enough.
One of the things that parents should pay great attention to is that when listening, don't be perfunctory!
Many parents are absent-minded, even listening while doing things, such behavior is even more hurtful than scolding children! It is important to put down the things in your hands, sit next to the child, look into the eyes of the child, listen carefully to the child's every word, and let the child feel the love and care from the parents!
Parents should learn to speak
Don't look at the parents outside with friends, colleagues get along, everyone has a high emotional intelligence, speaks at a very high level, and is airtight. But when it comes to communicating with children, there are very few people who pay attention to words.
Impatiently interrupting the child, unhappily accusing the child, and brainlessly scolding sarcasm, such communication is too terrible.
In the book "How to Say Children Will Listen, How to Listen to Children To Say" it is said that one of the most wrong ways for parents to communicate is not to understand empathy and ignore feelings.
Talk to your friends how you want, please talk to your child.
Let the child feel confident in communication, encourage and approve him more, and the confidence given by parents can stimulate the child's greatest strength;
Let the child be soothed in communication, understand the child, be considerate of the child, empathize with the child, and let the child's emotions be soothed and satisfied;
Let the child feel trusted in communication, do not interrupt the child, allow the child to say his true thoughts, keep secrets for the child, and let the child feel the respect from the parents.
Talking to children also requires skills and methods, the same problem, different speaking skills may bring harm to children, may be encouragement!
The famous psychological counselor Wu Zhihong once said that if the life force is seen, it is a good life force, and it can be created and upward, but if the life force is not seen, it will be derived from negative emotions such as anger, which is the black life force.
The process of communication between children and their parents is the process of life being seen.
Communicating with children is an art, parents should not be dismissive, let their arrogance block the way to communicate with children. Instead, we must learn to listen to the child, learn to communicate with the child, and help the child open up his life in order to bloom a more dazzling life.