There is a story in the Analects of Ji Shi called "Passing the Court Training".
One day, Confucius stood in the courtyard, and his son Kong Carp bowed his head and walked quickly.
Confucius stopped him and asked, "Have you studied poetry?" ”
Kong Carp replied: "No."
Confucius said, "How can you speak without learning poetry?" ”
The next day, Kong Carp met Confucius standing in the courtyard.
Confucius asked, "Have you learned the etiquette?" ”
Kong Li replied, "No." ”
Confucius said, "How do you behave without learning etiquette?" ”
Etiquette, i.e., rules. Unruly, no adult.
As the saying goes: "The state has the state law, and the family has the family rules; there are no rules, no squares." ”
In the family, there can never be a lack of rules.
I have seen many parents who regard letting go of their hands as waiting for the flowers to blossom, and connivance and coddling as happy education. In the end, what is exchanged is only the lack of children's sense of rules, and it is too late to regret it.
As the book "Family Education" wrote: "Freedom with rules is called liveliness, and freedom without rules is called wanton." ”
If the family has no rules, the child has no principle; parents who do not know how to make rules cannot raise grateful children.
1
Loving children and making rules is never a single choice question
During the New Year, I chatted with the guests and unconsciously talked about the education of my children.
A friend said that he was particularly undignified at home, that the child was not afraid of him at all, and that he was always addicted to games, saying that he could top two sentences in one sentence, for which he expressed great distress.
Another friend also felt the same way, she said that the child does not like to communicate with herself, but also very rebellious, said nothing to listen to, can only lament that the child was spoiled when he was a child.
Why is this happening? There are no more than two reasons:
One is that there are no rules; the other is that parents are not convincing enough to convince their children.
When the child is ignorant and ignorant, there is no concept of right and wrong, only like and dislike, and if the parents blindly obey, he will only feel that it is deserved.
As the times go by, children who grow up like this can't listen to the advice of the contrarian ear and are bitter.
There is a sentence in the "Yan Family Training": "The strictness of father and son cannot be foxy; the love of flesh and bones cannot be simple." Jane is kind and filial piety, and Fox is slow to live. ”
If parents are too indulgent to their children, they will make their children lose the bottom line; if they are too strict, they will make children rebel.
A home must have both warmth and rules. "Love children" and "make rules", both are indispensable.
Professor Li Meijin once said that before the child is 6 years old, it is necessary to make good rules for him to know what can be done and what things can not be done.
Establishing good rules from an early age, guiding and educating them in an appropriate way, and letting children know how to love themselves and their families is far more important than waiting for children to grow up and disobey, and then scolding and disciplineing them again and again.
I once saw a story in a children's picture book:
Son: "If I make the pillow feathers fly, will you still love me?" ”
Mom: "I'll always love you, but you'll have to pick up your feathers." ”
Son: "If I sprinkle paint on my sister, do you still love me?" ”
Mom: "I'll always love you, but you're responsible for bathing your sister." ”
The mother in the story is particularly good at it, and she goes out of her way to assure the child that "I will always love you".
At the same time, do not forget to emphasize: child, you are responsible for your own actions, you have to bear the consequences of your actions.
When a child makes a mistake, parents cannot help their child escape, but should let the child learn to take responsibility and let the child have the honesty and courage to face the mistake.
In the final analysis, whether you are looking forward to jackie chan or a female becoming a phoenix, the premise is to let the child become a "person" first.
This is the meaning of "making rules".
2
Establishing rules is not unilateral coercion
At this point, let's talk about what is "rules". Let's take the most common things in our lives, such as eating.
If parents stipulate to their children: when you must eat, how much you must eat, when to eat.
In fact, this is not a rule, at best it is mandatory.
The rules should be this: when to start and when to end, the same for the whole family. During this time, anyone can eat less or less, but if this time passes, no one will have snacks.
That is to say, rules are not requirements imposed on one object, but principles that all people must obey.
If you just unilaterally set the rules, you are violating the freedom of others.
When parents make rules, if they do not count themselves in, or even make rules for their children while breaking the rules, it will only make the children resentful.
Therefore, do not make rules for children in one direction, all the rules in the family should be aimed at two or more people.
Otherwise, it's not called a rule, it's a command.
Tang Taizong has a saying that we are familiar with: "The husband takes copper as a mirror, can wear a crown, takes the ancient as a mirror, can see the rise and fall, and takes the person as a mirror, and can know the gains and losses." ”
The rules we have made are not a mirror.
As the saying goes: "The heart is like a rule, the will is like a ruler, the calm is like water, and the integrity is like a rope." ”
With rules, talents will have the bottom line and principles of being a person.
The rules established in the family will subtly affect everyone in the family.
Parents should also use rules to strictly demand themselves, especially in the way they treat their children, let alone do what they want.
For example, what is promised to the child must be done, which is not only a matter of prestige, but also a good example of obedience in the child's heart.
The parents' every move will be deeply imprinted in the child's heart; the family environment will eventually be reflected in the child's long life in the future.
Parents change their concepts, grow up with their children, and jointly create a good family environment, which is the panacea for cultivating excellent children.
3
Families with rules raise grateful children
There has been a voice on the Internet:
The greatest sorrow of Chinese parents is that they give their all but cannot raise grateful children.
The love of a parent's son is both natural and instinctive. Even the vast majority of Chinese parents spend their entire lives living for their children.
When the child is still young, he is afraid of falling, afraid of touching, afraid of wearing less clothes, afraid of food not being delicious...
When the child grows up, he helps fill in volunteers, find a job, find a house...
I want to help my child make decisions and pave the way for everything.
The educator Makarenko said: "Everything is given to the child, everything is sacrificed for him, even his own happiness." This is the most terrible gift a parent can give to their child. ”
Children who grow up coddled by their parents grow up with only the body, not the mind.
Remember Wang Jiajing, an international student in the "airport mother murder case"?
After studying in Japan for five years, Wang Jiajing provided all his food and clothing by his mother, and he has always spent a lot of money, often calling friends and friends to go to some high-end areas to spend, each time spending more than 10,000 yuan.
The mother's income is only 7,000 yuan per month, but she still gives everything she has, and as soon as her son reaches out, she raises money to send it to her son.
Until she borrowed money everywhere and could no longer take out the money, Wang Jiajing did not understand her mother's difficulty, but escalated her dissatisfaction into resentment and held a knife to her mother.
Parents pay endlessly and unconditionally, and can only raise parasitic giant babies, without half a point of gratitude.
A child who does not know gratitude, even if his parents pay more, is only the norm in his eyes, and once this normality is broken, the resentment in his heart will devour him.
Many parents are eager to give the best thing in the world to their children, but in fact, the best thing often does not need to be deliberately looked for, because it is always around.
It was high-quality companionship, firm eyes and deep love.
The so-called "body cultivation and then family unity, family unity and then national governance", instead of constantly satisfying the child materially, it is better to enrich the child spiritually.
Establishing rules is the beginning of self-cultivation; only families with rules can be called "family qi".
There is a metaphor that goes so well: raising a child is like flying a kite, both to fly high and to keep it in line.
The rule is the line. The child can go to the vast world by himself, and the meaning of the rules is that he can keep his heart and not lose his way in the complicated society.
4
As for how to make rules, keep these three points in mind:
First, it's "internally and externally consistent."
For example, spitting is not allowed at home, and it is also not allowed outside.
Instead of the way it is today, tomorrow it's like that, one set at home, one set outside.
This will only make the child confused and confused.
Second, it is "the whole family is in agreement".
The most feared thing about making rules is the inconsistency between family members.
For example, you just set the rule that "you can only eat one piece of chocolate a week", and the old man in the family turns around and buys a bunch of food for the child.
Such a rule cannot be established.
Finally, there is "consistency of attitude".
Parents should have a firm attitude before and after making rules and regulations, and they should not change their orders.
Let the child realize that unreasonable demands cannot be met.
In this way, the child will not feel confused, can understand the boundaries of the rules, and can truly establish a sense of rules.
The purpose of the rules is not to imprison, not to restrict, but to educate.
It is not only the children who need to abide by the rules, but also the parents. Parents lead by example and teach by example, more than any teaching.
The purpose of a family with rules is not to cultivate an "obedient" puppet, but to be a child with an independent personality and good morals.
Since ancient times, China has been known as a state of etiquette, treating people and things, and has its own set of exquisite and legal rules.
Respect for the Master:
1. When meeting elders, take the initiative to say hello;
2. Do not call the names of elders directly, but use honorific titles;
3. When eating, wait for the elders to move the chopsticks first;
4. What the elders give, the juniors should use their hands to respectfully pick up;
5. The elders stand, the juniors cannot sit, the elders must stand up when they come...
Etiquette:
1. Loud and noisy in public places;
2. Do not use finger people, finger gods, Buddha statues;
3. Don't spit on the meal, don't make a strange noise;
4. The guest has not finished eating, and the host should not get up first;
5. Don't stand in the middle of someone else's door, don't step on the threshold when you cross the door...
These conventional exquisite and taboos in life are the rules handed down from our ancestors, and they are also the upbringings that are deeply engraved in our bones.
In a family with rules and regulations, the husband and wife have peace, the elder and the young are orderly, the father and son have relatives, and the family style is self-righteous.
On the contrary, a family that ignores the rules cannot raise children with rules, let alone gratitude?
As the book Rules and Love says:
Growing up in love without rules, the child loses gratitude;
Growing up without the rules of love, children learn to have low self-esteem;
Growing up without rules and without love, the child loses his awe;
Growing up in rules and love, children learn to be humble and confident.
Love and rules go hand in hand, and it is the best tutor in a family.
Source: Hongde Xinguoxue
If you think it's good, please click [In The Watch]