Does falling in love need to cater to the other person?

Couples in love, it is inevitable that they will make pandering to each other because of maintaining feelings. So, does falling in love need to cater to each other? Some people think that couples need to pander, because pandering is based on the premise of very much like, since they like each other, they must make appropriate changes; some people hold a negative attitude, thinking that if you suppress yourself in order to cater to others, like an unbalanced balance, falling in love will be very tiring.

Recently, the China Youth Network Campus News Agency conducted a questionnaire survey for 875 college students across the country on the topic of "whether to cater to each other in love", and the results showed that 498 college students chose not to need it, accounting for 57%; 377 college students chose to need it, accounting for 43%.

"Couples need to cater to each other, and pandering is made based on the premise of very much like"

Wang Linlin, a college student in Gansu, believes that falling in love needs to cater to each other. He believes that as a boy, since he likes each other, he must make appropriate changes for her.

For example, he said that he is currently in a hot love period, his girlfriend loves to make trouble, he rarely sends a circle of friends personally, and his girlfriend feels that this is a manifestation that Wang Linlin does not love himself.

"She felt insecure and since she asked, she's been a resident guest in my circle of friends." Wang Linlin said that this is the change he made to cater to his girlfriend, and his girlfriend also learned ancient Chinese in order to cater to him.

He said that since he chose to be with his girlfriend, he should be more patient, make the other party happy, and make her feel that it is more normal to be loved.

Liu Lingling, a college student in Sichuan, also believes that it should be catered to. She has her own understanding of how to pander. She said that one of the couples pandering to the other is based on the premise of very much liking themselves, and the pandering performance is mainly to do what the other person likes and say what the other person likes to hear.

"Pandering has pros and cons, the advantage is to avoid quarrels, and the disadvantage is that it is easy to be wronged and subsequent emotional outbursts." She has been in contact with some couples around her, and there is a girl who is very emotional and caters to her boyfriend more.

She said that the girl's love affair has contradictions and problems, will first find reasons from herself, will buy a lot of things for each other, but it seems that she has not received the return of the other party.

"If you suppress yourself in order to cater to others, it's like an imbalanced balance, and falling in love will be tiring"

Wei Likun, a college student in Sichuan, believes that there is no need to cater to each other when it comes to falling in love. In her view, a good relationship is to make each other a better person, in this relationship, two people have common goals and expectations, and achieve each other together, rather than one party simply paying and pandering to each other's likes. "If you're in a relationship that's not balanced for a long time, like an imbalanced balance, there's always one person who's going to be tired."

"If you suppress yourself in order to cater to others, why choose such a romantic relationship?" Wei Likun once had a relationship and believed that there was no pandering to each other in this relationship. "In a romantic relationship, you need to understand each other and trust each other, so that it can last. If only one party caters to the other, it is not a good relationship. ”

Liu Wei, a college student in Chongqing, also believes that you should not cater to each other in love. She said that the premise of pandering sacrifices one's own emotions, and the sacrifice of emotions brings more subtle unpleasantness in the process of getting along. For pandering, her understanding is compromise, once compromise means losing her own position, self-consciousness will become weaker and weaker in love, there is no autonomy, and eventually it will run counter to the way the other party originally loved herself.

"On the other hand, if I cater to the other party, then he will not feel that it is love after he has developed a habit, the other party just habitually feels 'should', and the most taboo thing in love is 'should'." Love is simple, not sacrificing or losing self-knowledge and consciousness to cater to the other person. Liu Wei said that lovers should consider each other appropriately and think about problems from each other's position.

Experts: In romantic relationships, inclusive pandering is encouraged, and condescending pandering is not recommended

Liang Zhenqiao, director of the Student Mental Health Education Center of Guangxi University of Science and Technology and a national second-level psychological counselor, said that before discussing the topic, it is first necessary to clarify a love principle: to a certain extent, love is to "refine" love and exercise your ability to learn love. "Therefore, any problems that arise in the process of falling in love are a way to exercise the ability to love, and we have to consciously accept any problems in love."

Thinking about whether or not you need to cater to the other person, she thinks that it is necessary to analyze what "pandering" is.

Liang Zhenqiao said that the word "pandering", in people's cultural concepts, there may be some stigmatized phenomena, generally understood as similar to accommodation, condescension, please, please, compromise, etc. From the perspective of these synonyms, "pandering" is to satisfy the other party to sacrifice themselves.

"Dictionary-wise, the interpretation is 'deliberately adapting one's own words or actions to the will of others.'" From this text, it is understood that 'pandering' is not to satisfy the other party and ignore yourself. She said that it can be inferred from this that there are many forms of pandering, and in the process of the lover's action of "deliberately, intentionally, and deliberately speculating on the lover's thoughts and making his words and deeds satisfied", it can be either a way of inclusion, running-in, understanding, and adjustment, or it can be a form of flattery, accommodation, submission, and compromise, and different forms will produce different emotions and behaviors.

For example, Liang Zhenqiao said that boys like to eat spicy, and girls like to eat sweet. Inclusive pandering is: after communication, when ordering food, you can have both, but the taste is not too heavy, boys try to eat some sweet, girls try to eat some spicy, or both sides no longer tangle in the sweet and spicy problem of ordering, both sides find a balance, so that the relationship between the two is more harmonious. The form of condescending pandering is: one party has been wronged by himself only ordering what the other party likes, not what he likes, ignoring his own needs, and over time, the two of them eating together has become a burden.

"Lovers are from different life and growth backgrounds, experiences and habits are not the same, and differences are inevitable." She believes that in the effective handling of romantic relationships, inclusive pandering is encouraged, and condescending pandering is not recommended. Pandering between lovers is required, but attention also needs to be paid to "degrees".

How do lovers judge whether their pandering is appropriate? Liang Zhenqiao suggested that, on the one hand, it can be judged from the way of action whether you dare to express the idea of "no", whether you suppress or ignore yourself, or proper communication to find a balance point; on the other hand, you can judge from emotional feelings, whether you are happy, self-affirming, feel that your emotions are more mature and rational, or aggrieved, feel that you can't fight with your lover.

"When we perceive that there is more of a condescending relationship between two people, we can remind ourselves that there may be the following problems in our relationship: our relationship is not secure enough, and we are afraid of losing something." We do not have enough self-confidence in the process of interacting with our lovers, and there are phenomena of worry and anxiety. We have too many positive fantasies about our lovers, thinking that self-sacrifice will necessarily lead to his understanding. Based on the problems we may have, communicate, find out how to adjust for debugging, and eventually cultivate more common ground and happy relationships. Liang Zhenqiao said. (At the request of the interviewees, Wang Linlin, Liu Lingling, Wei Likun, and Liu Wei are pseudonyms)

Source: Qing Xiaoxiao (ID: zqwqxx) reporter Li Huaxi

Editor-in-Charge: Left Orange

Review: Wang Longlong

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