Author:Mingyue Yuxin (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
Evolutionary mother: blindly coercing and controlling, can not cultivate children who are self-consciously introspective, and sometimes, with the wind and rain, there is also the power of water droplets to wear.
The epidemic has not yet been unsealed, and Chinese parents have "gone crazy" at home.
Being isolated is a small matter, and it is a big thing to live in the same room with the children of "online classes".
The thirty-six counts of parents dealing with their children are ineffective in front of their children.
This is not in Fushun, Liaoning, a 12-year-old girl named Xiaoxin, in order to steal the mobile phone, drew a mobile phone model to avoid surveillance.
It turned out that the mother was worried about the child's sneaking mobile phone after class, so she installed monitoring on the learning table and asked Xiaoxin to put the mobile phone within the monitoring range during non-class time.
Who would have thought that Xiao Xin, who had several years of painting skills, in order to evade monitoring, made a mobile phone model with exercise paper and put it on the table to fake the truth.
After the video spread on the Internet, many netizens accused: "The behavior of pretending to monitor is not approved, and it is necessary to change the way of education." ”
Yes, most parents have read a stack of parenting books, heard countless parenting theories, and used all their strength to still live in the parenting path of chicken flying dog jumping.
The root cause is that the "strength" of education is not grasped well, resulting in wholehearted efforts being in vain.
In fact, to educate children well, parents really don't need to use too much "force".
Parents don't need to use too much "force" to raise children
Zhou Guoping once said: "In the final analysis, everyone's soul education can only be self-education. ”
Many parents, always think that they are people who have come over, they interfere with their children's life and learning, under the banner of "I am for your own good", and point fingers in their children's lives.
But they don't know that parents are only the guides of their children, not the hegemons.
Parents can only point to the end of the child's education, and the future road depends on the child's self-management.
Yin Jianli, an educator, once shared a story about her daughter Yuanyuan.
In the first year of high school, there was a period of time when I especially liked to listen to songs, the key also liked to write homework while listening to songs, in the fierce competition, racing against the clock in the high school, Yuanyuan's move undoubtedly made Teacher Yin feel anxious and worried.
Therefore, Teacher Yin reminded her that listening to concerts during study affected thinking and understanding, and Yuanyuan only said that she knew, but it did not change in the slightest, and she still wore headphones to write homework every day.
Later, Teacher Yin couldn't control it, so he said her again.
This time Yuanyuan was a little impatient, blamed Teacher Yin for nagging, and said that he didn't care about her, he knew what to do.
Teacher Yin said: "If it is not voluntary, even if I force her to put away the CD player, she will not concentrate on learning, instead of this, it is better to believe her words." ”
After a long time, Teacher Yin really forgot to take care of her, but unexpectedly found that the CD player on her bookshelf had fallen a lot of dust.
Because of Teacher Yin's "shut up", there is a round "self-consciousness".
Teacher Yin said: "Not saying" is a more difficult thing to do than "saying".
Indeed, challenging the endurance and limits of parents is a breeze for children, and they always have a thousand ways to make parents collapse minute by minute.
At this time, if the parents use "brute force", it is like a spring, and the harder they press, the more powerful the child will use the more powerful force to rebound.
In fact, the "laziness" of parents is not irresponsible, but to make room for children to play a self-conscious and autonomous nature in a relaxed and free environment.
Educating children, parents endure a lot, it will be calm and calm, loose a hand, there will be four or two thousand pounds of effect.
The parents push too hard, and the weaker the child becomes
In life, there are always some parents who think that "small trees are not repaired and not straight, and children are not beaten and cannot be used", so they yell at their children and scold them, and the big ones serve with sticks.
As everyone knows, the radical education of parents is a time bomb, just fluorescent fire, let the child live in trauma for the rest of his life.
In the interview of "Interview with Liangzi", there was a boy named Kunpeng, which made a special impression on me.
From an early age, his father practiced militarized management of Kunpeng, and from elementary school onwards, his father required him to score 300 points in the exam, one point less than a whip.
And he was often sucked to the skin and flesh, and at least for a week he slept on his stomach.
Kunpeng tried to communicate with his father, and if his father didn't say a word, it was a slap.
His father's strict education made Kunpeng suffocate and collapse, and after entering junior high school, Kunpeng suffered from severe depression and mania.
One night after self-study, his mother drove him to pick him up from school, because he did not pass the exam, he used all his strength to hit the window with his head, hitting the blood.
He wanted to use masochistic ways to make himself unable to think and make himself forget about bad grades.
However, Kunpeng's crazy behavior did not exchange his father's pity and introspection, and he roared angrily to send him to a mental hospital.
Fortunately, under the prevention of his mother, Kunpeng received professional psychological treatment and gradually calmed the trauma.
Children do not grow up in a day, and parents over-pluck seedlings to promote them, destroying not only the child's body, but also the child's fragile mind.
In psychology, there is a "law of moderation": everything must grasp a degree, beyond which many things will be counterproductive.
It is common for parents to love their children and plan for them, but using too much force and constantly putting pressure on their children will only show that parents are incompetent and short-sighted.
In the end, parents overcrowd their children just to satisfy their own vanity and earn cheap praise from others.
Truly knowledgeable parents never try to educate their children, because the harder parents work, the more powerless their children will be.
Just the right amount of "force" to take the child to the next level
In psychology there is a famous "south wind effect." ”
The North-South Wind Race to see who is more powerful can blow down the pedestrians' clothes.
As a result, the north wind blew wildly, but the pedestrians wrapped their clothes tighter, the south wind blew slowly, and the pedestrians automatically took off their clothes because of the warmth.
The same is true of educating children, parents and their loud yelling all day, 360 degrees without dead ends to discipline the child, and finally be eaten by their own strength.
It is better to respect the child's growth law and guide the child's growth step by step.
In the variety show "Dear Little Desk", there was a little boy named Tengteng who deeply attracted me.
At the beginning of the show, Tengteng boldly introduced himself: "I like music, I can also play ukulele, play the piano, beat drums, and especially like to write homework." ”
Not only is there no stage fright, but the voice is loud and the language expression is also very clear.
After Tengteng finished writing his homework, he took the initiative to pick up the extracurricular book and read it next to him, and after eating, the students were chasing and frolicking, and Tengteng was either listening to English or practicing the piano.
All things are done "consciously, voluntarily, and spontaneously", without the slightest feeling of unhappiness.
Sure enough, such obedient and sensible children with high self-discipline are all from other people's families, so everyone has learned from Tengteng's mother.
Who knows, her method of education is very simple: "My mentality is more Buddhist and lazy, so he needs to be more active." ”
But she was not completely Buddhist and laissez-faire, the highest peak enrolled the child in 8 interest classes, she did not force him to insist, but Tengteng has always maintained the initial interest.
Sometimes, rather than breaking their minds about their children, it's more important that parents know what they should do for their children.
To take care of the growth of the child, the parents need to do addition, educate the child to mature, is to do subtraction.
The highest state of education is not laborious education, let alone laissez-faire, but the use of just the right "force" to let children learn to grow on their own, which is a long-term strategy.
In this way, the child's future path can go farther and broader.
In the picture book "Ann's Seed", it is said: "Every child is the seed of a flower, but everyone's flowering period is different. Some flowers will bloom brilliantly at the beginning, and some flowers will require a long wait. ”
There is no essential difference between a 60-point child and a 100-point child, the only difference is the strength of parents' education of their children.
Blindly forcing and controlling, children who cannot cultivate self-conscious self-examination, and sometimes, with the wind and rain, there are also the power of water droplets and stones.
In the years to come, although the road ahead is long, the child's flowering period can still be expected.
May all parents stop chasing, let go of utilitarianism and comparison, and patiently accompany their children through an unforgettable childhood with gentle and firm strength.
About the author: Mingyue Yuxin, Columnist of Fushu, Article: Parents Evolution, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, unauthorized, may not be reproduced, infringement must be investigated, Fushu 2018 launched a new book "Good Life"