Wen | condensed mother's understanding
The phenomenon of school bullying is more common, but as long as it does not happen to their children, parents will always be spectators, thinking that the children's lives are very stable and peaceful, and will not be linked to bullying. In fact, it may be that the child did not tell the parents, not that bullying did not occur.
The parents of children who have been seriously bullied also know about it after the fact. In the eyes of parents, children are well-behaved, sensible, sunny, and kind to people, and they have never said that they are unhappy at school and how they will not be related to school bullying.
A survey of 2,623 primary school pupils and 4,135 secondary school students in Sheffield found that 50 per cent of students did not tell teachers and parents that they had been bullied and would only tell adults when the bullying became severe.
I remember when my son was in the third grade of elementary school, he came home from school once, his mood was very low, his eyes were swollen, and he had nosebleeds on his face, and he began to think that he had fallen and hit his nose.
It wasn't until later, when he found that he was always unable to regulate his emotions, that he said that he had a fight with his classmates. If you don't ask, the fact that he was bullied will rot in his stomach.
Why don't children want to tell their parents the truth about their bullying? In addition to the fear of retaliation after telling adults, it is largely related to the way parents usually deal with problems, which is painful.
Check the following two types of parents to see if you are among them.
Children cannot get positive help from their parents
We should all have the impression that when children first go to school, they like to tell adults about problems, but as we get older and more silent, we begin to know nothing about how children are doing in school.
This is because children are unable to get positive help from their parents and may even exacerbate their own negative emotions.
Some children will tentatively seek help from their parents and take the next step according to their parents' reactions, but they will not get positive feedback and have to choose to remain silent.
One child tentatively told his parents that he was bullied by his classmates at school, hoping to get his parents' comfort and help, but his parents said: Let you go to school to study, not to make friends.
When the child sees his parents reply to himself in this way, he can only swallow what he wants to say back into his stomach. In fact, he only said a small part of his words, and the more serious problems were retained.
Some children are full of confidence that their parents will protect themselves, tell their parents in detail the ins and outs of their bullying, and hope that their parents can support themselves, and as a result, the parents' attitude is unclear and the methods are not in place, causing children to be dissatisfied.
There was a boy who was bullied by his classmates, and the parents found a teacher, but at the same time told the child not to mess with others, get along well, and did not want to care about such things. As a result, the child later suffered more serious bullying and decided not to tell the parents again.
One girl told the teacher and the parents when she was bullied, but found that they did not take any measures. When I was bullied again, I got into a fight with my classmates. Grandpa went to school, but when he came home, he taught her a lesson.
Some people said that when they were bullied, their parents asked: Why don't people bully others? Is it your fault? You're so stupid and so on.
Children receive not support but criticism and humiliation, and out of self-preservation principles, they no longer open their hearts to their parents.
Children do not trust their parents enough
No matter how much the child says or less, it is better to say than not to say.
However, some children choose silence at the beginning, and parents are unaware of their children's bullying. This usually occurs in families with poor parent-child relationships, or in families where the parents themselves are in a vulnerable position.
Because of the poor parent-child relationship, the child does not trust the parents, does not believe that the parents can cover themselves from the wind and rain, and it is better not to say it. I'd rather ask someone for help than tell my parents.
Some friends said that telling their parents that they were bullied may be scolded. It's like a subordinate reporting a bad situation to a superior. In fact, this situation is very common, that is, from the beginning, there is no sense of security, and there is no fear before discussing things.
Some parents are not tall enough in the eyes of their children, and children think that they cannot protect themselves, let alone others. Children are skeptical of their parents' abilities.
The experience of having a friend is like this, his parents are also being bullied, but they are resigned, as if it did not happen, the child wants to reach out to help, but there is nothing he can do. In a situation like this, you really don't want to cause trouble for your parents.
Children who are single parents or send people under the fence have their own emotional deficiencies, thinking that it is good to have food to eat and a place to live, and dare not expect to get other help.
There was a child who grew up with his grandmother and uncle, and when he was bullied, he never thought of telling them, because he didn't know that he could ask them for help.
Children feel that parents do not have the ability to protect themselves, and they feel that there is no need to tell them, either tell others or solve it themselves.
Parents should be prepared to keep parent-child communication smooth
When the child encounters a problem, he must want to find someone to talk to, want to seek an effective solution, the most direct way should be the parents, if the parents close the door to the child, once they encounter serious problems, the child may be forced to the end of the road.
Therefore, as a parent, as a child's guardian, you should also maintain smooth parent-child communication, so that children can find the door to talk in the first time.
In "The Road Few People Walk", it is mentioned that the most common and important way to reflect attention is to try to listen. Being willing to do so proves that you can give your child enough respect. The more respect a child feels, the more valuable expressions they have.
No matter what the child nags, no matter how childish it is, whether it is a good thing or a bad thing, no matter how many times we repeat it thousands of times, we must listen patiently and carefully as if we listened to the leader.
Let the child know that everything he says has value, the parent is his most loyal listener, and he will develop the habit of talking to the parent.
When the child tells the experience of being bullied, we may not be able to give the child a clear answer and an ideal solution at once, but we must show the importance of this incident, pity for the child, and let the child feel the strength.
The way a friend solves the child's problem is amazing, and once on the way, the child inadvertently talks about being bullied, which is a very small thing. But he solemnly stopped and discussed the issue with the child with great excitement and anger. The child is very happy to find that the parents are very supportive of him.
Of course, parents can not reciprocate with tit-for-tat, as long as they empathize with their children, give advice to their children, and defend their dignity in a proper way, their children will be full of security in their hearts and like to talk to parents.
epilogue
Children have more or less experienced being bullied, the most terrible thing is that many children can't bear to say it, and they have no ability to solve it, and finally become the object of serious bullying, and the consequences are unimaginable.
We learned that children like to hide the fact of being bullied, we must compare their own behavior, if there is no change, encourage, develop the habit of listening to the child, maintain smooth parent-child communication, let the child open their hearts at any time.
I'm @Gelma Goku
Mother of two boys, more than 10 years of parenting experience
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Source:
1. "The "Silent Truth" of Bullied Adolescents and their Action Logic: Based on the Perspective of Intergenerational Emotional Interaction"
2. Netizen message