Adolescent Counseling: Experiencing violence in schools, 15-year-old girls are afraid to go to school

There are always incidents of bullying in schools around the world every day, and cases of student violence on campus are often reported, some of which are quite bad cases.

In Japan, bullying in schools has become a serious social problem, with many students committing suicide every year. School bullying causes harm not only to the "injured", but also to the "bully" and the "bystander".

▼ Guangzhou listen to the bar psychological consultation for your interpretation.

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Wang Chang (pseudonym), female, 15 years old, second year of junior high school.

Parents reported that their children had been mentally depressed in the last two weeks, looking unusual, unwilling to speak, sullen, and unwilling to go to school.

Anxious parents continue to persuade, but the child does not want to step into the school again, and even yells at the parents. Parents were helpless and had to turn to the help of adolescent psychologists.

It is understood that because of his big size, a bit of a boyish temperament, and untamed, Wang Chang has become the "big sister" in the school, often bullying classmates who don't like it, plus pulling gangs, and following a number of good sisters in the past few years.

This time, in order to cheer for the good sisters in the same class, this tall and tall junior high school girl slapped the girl in the next class in the toilet and pulled the girl's pants off as a joke.

This matter let the bully's cousin know, in order to "teach" Wang Chang, the cousin punched and kicked her, and then ripped off her coat, took shampoo and dumped it on her.

Afterwards, Wang Chang returned home from school, and his parents did not notice the abnormality. A few days later, I heard my classmates talk about it and learned about it. Because their daughter often fights at school, parents have become accustomed to it.

The mother reprimanded her daughter as usual, hoping that her daughter would learn from now on. The child was depressed at that time, unwilling to listen, annoyed with his mother, and shut his mother out. The father did not mention this matter again, let alone ponder the psychological impact of this matter on the child.

Wang Chang's parents have a bad relationship and often quarrel and fight over small things.

The education of her daughter belongs to the simple and rough type, the mother is either crying or blaming, and the father often beats her, thinking that she is too naughty. Since kindergarten, Wang Chang began to beat people often, teachers have been educated, but also found parents, although parents reprimanded the lesson, but not much improvement. After many times, the parents are also helpless, and there is no better way to improve, so they give up in their hearts, often sighing "can't manage it".

Parent Counseling Goal: To get your child back to school normally.

I heard that the director of the Psychological Counseling Center is a psychological counselor

Teacher Qiu Yihuan

Although Wang Chang was once the perpetrator of "school bullying", he was also a victim of this incident.

In school bullying incidents, the bully's feeling of bullying others for a long time makes his heart extremely satisfied, more and more self-inflated, lack of sympathy for his classmates, and the "bystander" will feel guilty, uneasy, and even afraid because he cannot help the deceived. The harm of the bullied is even more important, they are usually traumatized physically and mentally, and they are easy to leave a shadow that is difficult to calm.

Now Wang Chang is in a period of traumatic stress response: emotions such as fear and shame arise in her heart, and she feels that her prestige is lost and her face is lost, and it is difficult to face the class of sisters who have followed her in the past, so she does not dare or want to return to school.

01

Supportive listening

A child's sudden reluctance to go to school must have experienced something before that.

For the impact of the emergency, although the parents are very eager and hope that the child will be able to open her heart as soon as she sees the counselor, I did not immediately explore the reasons for the current psychological state of the client, but silently watched her, listened quietly, and listened to her family situation, growth history, learning situation, social situation and so on.

The client desperately needs someone who makes her more trusting, able to accept her, not judging her, to listen to her, to tolerate her helplessness, fear, shame, sadness, tears, and to get some release in the long outpouring.

It is important to give a supportive listen during the first consultation and to create a good environment for the client to talk, so that she can trust, feel safe, and lift the impedance.

02

Restore a sense of self-worth

In the following interview, I learned the reasons for her current psychological condition - from childhood to adulthood, her parents always scolded themselves, did not give themselves the love and affirmation they needed, and became a "big sister" through their own efforts, had a sense of achievement and value in front of their classmates, and felt that they were a very powerful figure.

Now being insulted like a boy, others must feel that they deserve it and see their own jokes. She said: "How is the world like this, and what does it mean to be human!" ”

Being humiliated by a boy who is more violent than himself is no less than a catastrophic event for an isolated girl, and the degree of blow can be imagined. Amplifying this feeling is the bad perception that winning the problem can solve the problem - the parents do not set a good example, and in the ear, the child only learns the way to solve the problem by violence.

According to the details of her interaction with friends, in the joint discussion, she saw that the reason why the friends around her were willing to associate with her was because she was willing to pay for them, care about them, have some common topics, and she also made some understanding and concessions in the face of differences and contradictions.

In interpersonal communication, she will also use an inclusive attitude and a peaceful communication and consultation to interact with her classmates, rather than relying solely on being strong and fighting. She saw her personal charm and shining points in herself, not just force to shock and worship others.

These are things that neither she nor her parents have paid attention to, and through the mirror of the counselor, she can see herself more clearly, change her and her parents' perception of her, improve her self-identification, and learn good interpersonal communication patterns.

I gave her a homework assignment and asked her to go back and try to contact her best friend and see how they reacted. If the other party asks about something they don't want to answer or don't know how to answer, don't put too much pressure on yourself, you can skip replying or replying "Let's talk about it in two days."

After trying, she found that most of her friends still cared about her and hoped to see her soon, with no intention of making fun of her. She was much more relaxed inside, and she was not so afraid to go back to school.

03

Resolve the backlog of anger and helplessness in your heart

In the process of Wang Chang's growth, her parents and people around her evaluated her:

"No girl", "Tomboy".

This affected Wang Chang's gender self-identity, resulting in her knowing that she was a girl, but she did not despise being a "girl". "If others are afraid of me, I will not be bullied." I don't want to be a well-behaved girl who cries her nose when she is bullied. ”

In Wang Chang's feelings and memories, he has not been loved and cared for by his parents, often beaten, the more he cries, the more miserable he is beaten; he is often bullied by children, feels very helpless, and then fights back, and finds that if he wins, he will not be bullied again, and then he has been using this way to protect himself.

In the consultation, I used the "inner child" therapy to guide Wang Chang to care for her inner child, return to the situation at that time, and guide her to express the grievances and anger in the consultation room.

At the same time, guide her to care for the little girl, give her understanding and care.

In the consultation, she cried and talked to the little girl in her heart, and she felt very sad and sad in the face of the poor helpless and weak little girl, and now she could understand how helpless and helpless the little girl was at that time. She no longer blamed the little girl for protecting herself in such a rough way.

In the image I guide her to comfort and hug the little girl, telling the little girl, "Don't be afraid, now that I'm older, I'm here to protect you, you don't have to use your fists anymore, I have a better way to protect us." They discussed many, many ways to protect themselves (some feasible and some not so reliable), but this way of talking to the inside made Wang Chang's heart warm and powerful, no longer so lonely, chaotic, and helpless; his thinking became open and he saw more solutions.

I asked her to talk to her inner child more when she went back, and when she encountered something troublesome or uncomfortable that no one could understand or help, she would talk to her inner child and then react.

After several trainings, Wang Chang became calmer when facing things, no longer impulsive and impatient as before.

04

Family therapy to improve parent-child relationships

I also feedback some of the counseling situations to the parents, discuss the good aspects of the children with them, so that the parents can learn to appreciate the children, affirm the children, and improve the parent-child relationship.

The mother dropped out of school to work in elementary school to support the troubled family, did not have much awareness and good way of marriage management and children's education, encountered contradictions and conflicts, was not good at communication, understanding, tolerance, and complained and scolded. For Wang Chang, the mother is even more bitter, complaining that the child is hostile to her and often argues with her.

The father is rough, not good at expressing emotions, and is tired of life, so he cannot pay enough attention and care to his wife and children, and the goal of counseling is also to strongly hope that the child will go to school as soon as possible, as if the child returns to school, the matter is over.

In view of the limitations of the parents themselves, the family economic situation, and the children's academic problems, I will focus on the children, and there are more consultations with the children, and the proportion of the family counseling part is smaller, so the guidance to the parents will be less and shallower.

After consultation and discussion with her mother, she saw that quarrels are also intimate interactions, and there is also a flow of love in quarrels; Children are articulate and eloquent in quarrels, and they are also very cute. The mother laughed, relieved a lot, no longer bothered with the child, and the eyes of the child were also warmer.

In response to the father's personality traits, I analyzed with them the situation that children will face when they return to school now - how to face friends, how to face classmates who are hostile to themselves, how to face the interrogation of the teacher and principal, especially how to face the boy who beat himself.

I threw the problem to my parents and asked them to give some solutions. It can be seen that parents have never thought about what will happen to their children when they return to school, and naturally they have not been able to figure out why their children are reluctant to go to school. Faced with the various situations of returning to school, the father was helpless, bowed his head and sighed continuously, and the mother was anxious and anxious, and was ready to complain that the child was too capable of causing trouble.

I guided them in time to feel the helplessness and helplessness in the child's heart, and encouraged the two adults to try to think of some feasible solutions and take on the responsibility of parenthood. After discussion, a consensus was finally reached that the father was willing to take the child to the school to calm the storm.

Under the auspices of the principal, the two families negotiated about the child's bullying incident and turned it into a jade.

After this period of counseling, Wang Chang regained his self-confidence and returned to school, promising that he would no longer bully others in a violent way in the future, but would interact with friends, classmates and teachers in the interpersonal way learned in the consultation. The mother also responded that the number of mother-son quarrels during this time was much less.

Parents also realize that their daughter has grown up and is a girl, and cannot treat girls as roughly as boys, promising not to hit children but to get along with them in a gentler way, and husband and wife try not to argue and fight in front of their children.

Qiu Yihuan

I heard that the director of the Psychological Counseling Center is a psychological counselor

Group counseling and therapist

Graduate student of marriage and family psychology of the Chinese Academy of Sciences, national marriage counselor

Psychoanalyst, professional hypnotherapist, sandplay consultant

Internationally Registered Counselor and Member of the International Education Association

He is a member of the Guangdong Psychological Society and a member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee

Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation