Light up yourself, illuminate the world, and the education of love is the future
Recently, a news story of #Twins Disappearing 3 Days 3 Nights Police Dog Locked Abandoned Caves# was on the hot search.
Because they were tired of school, a pair of twins in Shaanxi ran away on their way to school, and ms. Liu, an anxious mother, sent a video crying and looking for a son.
It was only 72 hours later that the police found two children who had eaten thirty or forty packs of crisp noodles in a nearby cave.
In the short video after finding the two children, only Ms. Liu, as a mother, is crying bitterly, while the two children in the front seat are silent. The reason behind this is actually more thought-provoking.
Although the video China says that the two children ran away because they were bored with school.
But the family should be a safe haven for children, and parents should be their children's umbrella, so what makes children prefer to escape from home and stay in the cave for 72 hours?
01 Parents release their anxiety by punishing their children
Although the video does not explain why the two children are bored with school, the mother's collapse and the child's indifference are a sharp contrast.
This at least shows that these two children do not trust their parents when they encounter difficulties, nor are they willing to communicate with their parents, and they prefer to solve them on their own.
Such phenomena are also common in real life. We may prefer to listen to immature advice from our peers rather than ask our parents what to do.
But why are we like this? In fact, it has a lot to do with parents.
Just like when we were children, if the dictation was wrong, the adults would say a word and copy the wrong one 10 times, which was not bad.
If we do not accept and do not copy, we will definitely be added, then copy 20 times, 50 times, at this time in addition to obediently copying, children dare not say anything, because the more they say, the more they copy.
Or, if you don't do well in the careless exam, you are a little worried, and when you get home, you have to face the scolding of your parents: "Why are you so stupid, such a simple question can't be done well."
Or accidentally fall down on a bicycle and get injured, but the parents say", "You see, don't listen to me, you deserve it."
Although now, I can understand the anxiety of fellow parents because they are worried about their children's learning, so they are "angry", and they can't help but preach because they are worried about their children's safety.
But at the time of being a child, it is difficult to understand the parents' intentions to "be good for the child".
Because, regardless of the facts, the child's feelings are the truth that the child thinks.
Parents always feel that I have punished, the child has paid the price for this, and I am responsible.
But I didn't think about it, from then on, the child has ideas and is not willing to tell you, the more you talk, the more the child will not do it. In a hurry, just like the child in the video, he ran away from home without a word.
Parents often release their anxiety by punishing their children, feeling that their children can recognize mistakes in punishment, but they do not know that this way deeply hurts the relationship between parents and children.
What happened to the mother and child in the video, we can't guess, but as parents, punishing their children because of anxiety only hurts their children.
02 What is the child thinking when the parent's anxiety is passed on to the child
When parents punish their children for anxiety, what exactly is passed on to their children?
Just like adults, being scolded, our first reaction must be to be angry, resist, to scold back, never immediately reflect on "I was wrong" at that time, even if we recognized it at the time, we must be unconvinced.
So it's the same for the child, if the child "admits mistake", it must not be because he really realizes right and wrong, but more out of fear of punishment.
If you don't learn well and want to make your child remember your mistakes through punishment, you won't. What children will eventually internalize is the bad feeling when learning, and they are annoyed when they think of learning.
In the long run, the child will either become a "pleaser" because he wants to avoid "punishment" and will live for others. Or you will become a "rebel", especially in adolescence, "the more you say the less I don't do".
In fact, more and more parents have now realized that a good parent-child relationship is the basis for solving our problems with our children. So what kind of relationship do we have with our children to avoid this?
Psychologist Wu Zhihong once put forward a view that the family or parents should become the "container" of the child, that is, the child creates anxiety, and the parent will help resolve the child's anxiety.
Specifically, there are 3 dimensions:
When children do things well, they can get the appreciation of their parents;
Be able to get parental support when encountering setbacks;
Any feelings of the child can flow freely in the relationship container of the parent.
In such a benign relationship, the child is stable in his heart, not afraid of mistakes, and his parents are the backing of the child.
On the contrary, just like the two boys in the video, even if the mother cries and tears her heart and lungs, they are indifferent, and the feelings between parents and children are broken and cannot flow.
Therefore, the child will not tell you something, you can not understand the child's state changes in time, and you can not interfere with any decisions of the child, you can only do it in a hurry.
03 How to be a "emotional container" for children
First, make good use of the "cooling off period"
I heard such a story that a mother suddenly heard from her teacher that her son was in love with her sophomore in high school.
At this time, parents will of course be anxious and face the college entrance examination immediately. But the mother first forced herself to calm down.
She first reassured the teacher, saying that she would deal with the problem and that the teacher should not be in a hurry.
Later, when her son was in a good mood, the mother had a peaceful conversation with her son about "soul mates".
She and her son said, "The statement of early love is actually not quite right, because life is very short, it is not easy to meet the right person, and the timing of meeting the right person is not sooner or later." ”
The son was originally worried, but he did not expect to hear his mother's words, of course, he was also curious. This mother also hit the iron while it was hot, guiding the child to think about what is a good partner.
And found a son very convincing uncle, let the other party tell their own life story, let the child see the bigger world. Of course, this mother also did a lot for her son and successfully solved the child's crisis.
But no matter what you do, the premise must be that your mother is calm, able to think rationally, and can solve it wisely.
Second, emphasize with children that "mistakes are opportunities for learning"
Many times, parents are also very good to their children, and they have not punished their children, but they will find that their children are very vulnerable.
The exam is not good, the parents have not said anything, and the child himself blames himself. Afraid of encountering problems, more afraid of mistakes, do not dare to challenge.
But we all know that there is no failure in life? People always make mistakes.
In fact, we must also understand that school is also a small society, there will always be comparison, there will be inferiority, and inferiority will be afraid of difficulties.
Therefore, as parents, we must emphasize that "mistakes are opportunities for learning" with our children from an early age, accompany our children to face difficulties, and give children inner support.
When parents can accept their children's mistakes, when children face the problem of poor tests and learning, they can tell you more calmly, and parents have the opportunity to help their children.
Third, teach children to make up for it and take responsibility
It was said in "Positive Discipline" that the important thing is not to make the child pay the price for the mistake, but to solve the problem.
For example, if a child makes trouble in class, rather than criticizing the child and letting the child punish the station, a better way is actually to let the child do something meaningful to the class and make up for his mistakes.
For example, if a child who does not obey a certain subject in the class but has good grades, the teacher may ask him to be the class representative to help everyone learn.
When a child is given responsibility, it is essentially a child who is held responsible for his or her actions with respect. This is an encouragement to the child, and the affirmation of the good will also motivate the child to become better.
When we use a positive approach to teach children to take responsibility for mistakes, children will no longer be trapped in mistakes and do not know what to do.
To put it simply, to be a child's "emotional container", it is not only necessary for parents to be able to let go of anxiety and remain calm, but more importantly, to help children build the courage to be "wrong" and not terrible, and finally to let children learn to be responsible for their own behavior in a dignified way.
In the book "Why Home Hurts", there is a sentence: Love only leads to good results, not to hurt, and it must not be love that causes harm.
I would like to say that in fact, parents also need to learn to grow, if we originally "love" our children, but because we do not know how to love, it has become a harm to our children, it is really a pity.
In 2022, being wise parents, we are always on the road. Welcome to Guangzhao Liang Education