I believe that every parent has a headache for their child's emotional loss of control. What should I do when my child loses his temper and is unreasonable? With so many parenting books, who should I listen to?
Daniel Sigge, an authority on brain science in the United States and a well-known expert in child development, based on clinical research, proposed the "whole brain emotional parenting method" that conforms to the characteristics of brain structure and development, which has been unanimously welcomed by professionals and ordinary parents in the United States.
Today, we will give you a detailed look at Dr. Siger's research, which we hope will help you grasp your child's emotions.
Let's first look at an example that Dr. Siger describes in his book:
Tina Payne Bryson, a co-author of "Whole Brain Kids," has a 7-year-old son who, one night, just got back to his room to sleep and immediately ran into the living room, saying he couldn't sleep: "I'm going crazy!" You never left me a note in the middle of the night! Tina was very surprised and responded, "I didn't know you wanted me to leave a note!" The son then began a series of complaints: "You have never been good to me!" I'm going crazy! My birthday is still a dozen months away! I hate writing homework! ”
Is there logic to these words? No! But you're sure to sound familiar, right? Because, every parent has such a moment. The child is incomprehensible, and you, as for it, seem to be completely unhelpful.
At this time, Tina's son was emotionally controlled, and he could not listen to reasoning. What to do?
Tina did just that: She pulled her son to her side, touched his back, and said in a comforting tone, "Sometimes it's really uncomfortable, right?" But you know, I'll never ignore you, you've always been in my heart, and you have to understand that you're unique to me. ”
So, the son explained in Tina's arms that sometimes he felt that his brother was getting more attention from his mother, and that homework was taking up too much of his spare time. As he spoke, Tina could feel him slowly relaxing—because her son could feel his mother listening and paying attention to himself. Tina then briefly explained the question her son had just asked, and finally, mother and son agreed to talk about it tomorrow morning.
In this example, three important messages are conveyed:
The brain is a building on the second floor of 25 years old to build
Dr. Siegel believes that the brain is a small two-story building. The upper brain is responsible for thinking, planning, and imagining, and the lower brain is responsible for managing the movement of the body, the instinctive response of life, and the strong emotional impulses.
Therefore, the lower brain, also known as the "reptilian brain", has matured from the moment the child is born. Think about it, this part of the brain has to maintain survival, protect itself, and wait for it to be used, of course, it can't wait for a little bit of maturity.
But the upper brain doesn't fully mature until the age of 25.
The upper brain is made up of various cerebral cortexes that are responsible for decision-making, thinking, regulating emotions, developing empathy, moral judgment, and so on.
So, Dr. Siger likens the child's brain to a "house under construction," where the downstairs has been built and the upstairs is still being built.
This is also why, in the case of Tina's son, we see that the child loses his temper, unreasonable, and is not black and white polarization, because the child's behavior is often controlled by the "reptilian brain".
If the parent's mode of discipline at this time is scolding, threatening, intimidating, or anything that will make the child feel threatened, afraid, or distressed, the result can be imagined - the child's lower brain, like our primitive ancestors, will quickly enter dangerous stress mode, and the response is to fight or flight.
So what should parents do at this time?
Connect emotions and guide thinking
In the case, Tina's process of handling her son's emotions consists of two steps: 1. Connecting with emotions; and 2. Handing over emotions to the upper brain.
Tina calls it a "connecting & guiding" strategy.
Tina's son often feels extremely frustrated and angry because he can't climb the ceiling like Spider-Man, which may seem ridiculous to adults, but it is real and important to children, so parents should respond with sincerity and attention. And that's love.
So, in her conversation with her son, Tina first acknowledges his feelings, including the use of non-verbal communication – physical contact, tone of voice, and so on. Tina then takes her son to activate his upper brain, including answering questions, promising him a note when he sleeps, planning his next birthday with him, finding ways to make homework more fun, and so on. They did some of this work that night, but mostly the next day.
But just because the child can't think logically, you can't just indulge it. If a child harms someone else, it should be stopped in time, and then wait for the child to calm down before discussing the consequences of his or her misconduct. When a child's emotions explode, it's not the best time to learn a lesson, because the rules only work for the upper brains.
Dr. Seeger calls this approach of "connecting emotions and guiding thinking" "Name it to tame it."
A child's emotions are an opportunity for parenting
When a child has emotions, it is the best time to raise a child.
We actively connect with them emotionally, awaken their thinking and control ability, take the opportunity to teach children to recognize and regulate emotions, think about the impact of their actions on others, and learn to express themselves in an appropriate way without hurting others... Wait a minute.
Only in this way can he begin to think about things, regulate his emotions, understand his own behavior, and listen to your reasoning.
Therefore, if parents really want children to learn emotional regulation and learn to think independently, they must often help children activate the upper brain.
If the child's lower brain is constantly intensified by scolding, intimidation, etc., the child will never learn to think and self-regulate emotions.
One of the bad news is that your baby is building a small second floor in her head, and in the short term, you can't expect him to be understanding.
But the good news is that the small second floor has not been built yet, and you can help build it, and use your upbringing to teach children with high emotional intelligence and empathy.