01
Two days ago, a parent chatted with me.
She said that the child's third-year mock test results came out, and the math score was only forty points, which she was notified by the class teacher to know, and then she secretly turned over the child's school bag and saw the paper.
Because more attention is paid to the cultivation of children's integrity, this mother hopes that the child will take the initiative to speak out. But a few days passed, and the child did not respond.
Later, she asked the child directly: "Have you taken the exam recently?" ”
The child responded coldly by saying "no".
She was furious after listening to it, but she didn't know how to deal with it, so she talked to me about it.
02
Why do children always report good news and not bad news?
1. Too harsh
When parents are too strict, children may report good news and not bad news.
On the Douban 8.5 point movie "Sunshine", the father in the play has given all his love and expectations to his eldest son Ahao since he was a child:
He never visited his younger son who was arrested and rehabilitated in a nursery, but he never forgot to come to school to send living expenses and notebooks to his eldest son.
And this big boy, who has always been good at everything, is most afraid of disappointing his father and chooses to carry the pressure alone:
Father expected him to go to medical school, then desperately take the exam, the first year can not pass the exam, then repeat the exam; every year to give Ahao's notebook, the cover is engraved: "grasp the time, grasp the direction" several big words, all the time remind him.
In the end, living in the sun, he ended his life by jumping off a building.
A strict father, a sensible and obedient child, is common in the family.
When brushing Zhihu, I often see such remarks:
I didn't want my parents to be disappointed, and without their affirmation, I felt like I wasn't doing a good job.
Why can't I make my father happy?
In the recent fire of "The World of Man", Zhou Bingkun has always been in a state of good news and no worries for his parents, even if he has the right to speak, but when things become not going well, he will always fall into the feeling of "I am not good enough", and has always hoped to get his father's affirmation.
In fact, there are no parents who do not love their children, on the contrary, we love our children too much, and we will be too strict with our children. But our "rigor" does not achieve the results we expect.
For children, the key to building self-confidence and self-esteem comes more from the recognition of parents.
2. Excessive interference
When parents interfere excessively, children will also report good news and no worries.
Heard a story:
As soon as the 22-year-old Xiaoli graduated, she chose to work in another city because she wanted to leave her parents.
"My parents didn't want me to study art, so they changed my volunteer without permission, and when I knew it was too late, I was really sad for a long time."
When I was a child, I listened to them everything, what interest classes I took, what clothes I wore, and even what time I slept at my parents' arrangement.
Now that I'm out of town, I've told my family very well about whatever I encounter, and I've never told them about the difficulties I've encountered outside. This is to tell my parents that I can still live well without them. ”
Xiao Li's story is lamentable. But this seems to be a normalized phenomenon, when the child resists, but with "I am your parent, will it hurt you?"
This "excessive interference" manifests itself as:
Parents have no boundaries and boundaries for their children, and some will even arrange their children's lives, just like Xiaoli, and finally rebel against their parents in a distant way.
3. Emotional scarcity
There is less emotional communication, and the child will also report good news but not bad news.
Since ancient times, Chinese emotions have been very restrained and subtle, which has also led to too little emotional interaction between parents and children.
When the child encounters difficulties, the first reaction is to choose to hide it, and even lie because he is afraid of parental accusations.
There are also some parents who ignore the flow of emotions and choose to replace communication with trouble-free material rewards.
I often see that parents around me love to use money to "buy" children to do some things, not to mention that the child's initiative is very poor, and more importantly, the child will become unscrupulous because of the temptation of money, and even cheat.
In the movie "Genius Gunner", a group of rich children pass various exams by cheating, and even spend a lot of money to bring answers back from abroad, in order to give their parents a satisfactory answer sheet, and then get a monetary reward.
03
When parents find that their children hardly communicate with you, and only report good news and no worries, this is a signal to make changes, telling children:
We love you very much and are willing to accept and understand you unconditionally, even if you make mistakes or encounter difficulties, you can come to me.
So what should be done in practice?
The recommendations are as follows:
1. Deliberately practice emotional management
Our harshness is based on "love" for our children, but when our "protective awareness" is too much, it becomes harsh.
If you care about or feel sorry for your child, then directly express your concern and heartache, rather than venting your emotions.
First, when your child is injured, makes a mistake, or anything we think is bad has happened, calm yourself down, count your mind for 60 seconds, and think, "Do I really want to blame my child?" "Is that my intention?"
Second, if you didn't manage your temper at the time, you can apologize to your child afterwards and explain why. These are the emotions of the parents, not the child's fault.
You can also say to your child, "Next time if I get angry again and say something unhappy, you can tell me." ”
2. Let go of your high expectations and learn more about family education
Many parents who do not raise well are due to insufficient understanding of family education.
We say that letting go of expectations may be difficult for you at this moment. After all, it is natural to hope that the son will become a dragon and the woman will become a phoenix.
But we can start to learn family education knowledge, to understand the characteristics of children's physical and mental development at different stages, try to find out the cause of the child's current "problem", and the next step is what to do.
Here are the recommended books for everyone: "How to say that children are willing to listen?" How to listen to children before they are willing to speak? "Nonviolent Communication", "Developmental Psychology".
3. Increase emotional interaction and communicate with children more
This point suggests that parents can try more in their daily lives, we always say "become a friend of the child", but I think most of the parents who come to Xingzhi to study have ignored this.
You don't need to say everything, but I feel that the relationship between parents and children is a state of "when you need help, you will give me timely support".
If you ask about everything, no accident, the child will definitely feel that the mother is very nagging and annoying, but when he needs help, you can give him the support he needs in time, and no child will refuse.
Parents can first improve themselves from these three aspects, believing that we have grown, and children will start to progress with the footsteps.