New parents who are new to fatherhood always have a subconscious instinctive reaction, that is, they want their children to be obedient, sensible, and outstanding. With the improvement of people's living standards, the family education model is quietly changing, and parents are unaware.
Energetic children should absorb the essence of heaven and earth, be in close contact with nature, and release their rotten innocence without restraint, because life lies in movement, and children's growth should have their own appearance. But now the children, locked up in reinforced concrete lattice cages, have cars out of the house, their lives are properly arranged, and entertainment activities are all handed over to televisions or electronic products. Even if learning is their own business, they can't do the Master at all, what time to write homework and what time to make up lessons, 24 hours a day in addition to sleep, the rest of the time is all included in the schedule, the whole score is not bad, clear. To say that today's children are happy, in fact, compared with their peers in all the past years, they are the poorest generation. Although they have gained too much food and clothing, they have lost too much, at least the childlike fun of personal experience has long been greatly reduced, and what they should do has been basically replaced by others.
Many children are like a machine with a fixed program, repeating the same schedule every day, just for the test scores, like an old scalper, deep ploughing their own acres and three points of land. Parents believe that the children cultivated in this way: obedient, sensible, and able to test their own face with a score that makes their face more bright, is the best education. Unbeknownst to you, there is a new type of disease, much more serious than depression, which is spreading, unscrupulously invading millions of three good students, and it is a neglected "hollow heart disease". Professor Xu, a doctor of psychology at Peking University, has found in his many years of work that in the circle of "dragons and phoenixes among people" at Peking University, many outstanding students often fall into a state of emptiness and confusion. They suddenly lose their way, feel empty inside, because they can't see their own value, and they can't understand the true meaning of living except to get good grades.
It is precisely because this phenomenon frequently occurs in those obedient and sensible three-good students, which may be one of the main reasons why teenagers have ended their lives in extreme ways in recent years! A few days ago, a 14-year-old junior high school student in Guizhou went out at 4:00 in the morning and lost contact in the morning, and his whereabouts are still unknown. According to his mother, his son has been obedient and sensible since he was a child, has always been "someone else's child", rarely let his parents worry, learning is more active, conscious, he is reading the third grade, he has more than A in each subject. Careful netizens questioned why an excellent student who was preparing for the middle school entrance examination should run at 4:00 a.m. in the morning, but the parents did not know? This anomaly may be the breakthrough of the problem. Many parents think that their children are sensible and obedient, and they can completely let go. In addition to pinning one expectation after another on the child, it completely ignores the emotional connection with the child.
That is to say, the sentence is fulfilled: you only expect the child to fly higher and higher, but never pay attention to whether the child is tired or not. In fact, the obedient "well-behaved child" will also long for his family to give him enough love to nourish him to fill his vulnerability and exhaustion, to make his heart full and abundant, and also to expect his parents to allow him to occasionally show imperfections. In the TV series "Sunshine", the older brother Ah Hao, accompanied by his mischievous and scummy brother, he is the pride of his parents at the bottom of society, with excellent grades, well-behaved and sensible. The eccentric father claimed to the outside world that he only had one son, Ahao, and pinned his family's expectations on Ahao to achieve a leap in social classes. However, fate gave him a fatal prank. One late night, Ahao, seemingly without warning, jumped from a tall building and left this world.
A "good" child like Ahao, the meaning of living is often to fulfill the wishes of others, not really for themselves. In life, they live in the shadows and minds of others every day in order to create that perfect image. Carrying snail-like shells, they climbed forward desperately, but never gave themselves a chance to breathe. Ah Hao wrote in his diary: I look around, animals, you, my brother, even Sima Guang, can find a corner with shadows. And I have no darkness, only sunshine, bright and warm, sunshine, and twenty-four hours a day. In particular, his younger brother was imprisoned in a correctional facility for a crime, and Ahao carried "all hopes" on his back. His father said to him, "You can't stop, your brother is not a tool, and the whole family can only count on you!" ”
Every child is an independent individual, they come to this world, they have their own mission, and should not carry the expectations and wishes of parents. We often hear some parents put high hats on their children and praise their children in general terms. For example: you are awesome, you are the most obedient child, as long as you are serious, you will definitely be able to get the first. In fact, this is divorced from actual behavior, and the practice of praising the child is ostensibly affirming the child, but in fact, putting pressure on the child, so that the child thinks that if it does not perform well, it is a bad child. In order to get a good reputation from their parents, they work very hard to show their best side, and for the bad side, or the side that cannot be done, they can pretend to bear it alone. At the end of the day, they live only for a false name, and when they can't bear the weight of life, or can't disguise it, they will use extreme ways to make themselves disappear.
How to praise a child is correct and does not bring psychological pressure? In fact, it is very simple, parents should start from the child's behavior, and then take root in identity. For example, if the child scores 100 points, let's compare the effects of the two kinds of praise: the general praise method: Baby, you are really amazing! This way is easy for children to feel that they can't find the east, west, north and south, thinking that they have really become a great character, so they are proud and complacent. If you don't get a score of 100 on the next exam, you will blame yourself and feel guilty. Over time, it can cause psychological problems. Praise from the behavior layer: Baby, you are all right, and the volume is very neat, and the test score of 100 is great! You are a strict person to yourself, great! The advantage of such praise is that the child pays attention to the process, understands what is done well, and takes root in the heart, and will slowly develop good habits.
No one is perfect, no one is perfect, parents must not only see the strengths and advantages of their children, but also accept the shortcomings and shortcomings of their children, and let go of the excessive expectations of their children. Giving children the opportunity to make mistakes is giving children the opportunity to grow. Only when children continue to try, make mistakes, summarize, and form real abilities on the road to growth, will they form their own outlook on life, values and worldview. Only by guiding children to form correct values, knowing what is more important, figuring out who they are, what kind of life they want to have, and what they can contribute to society can they find the true meaning of living.