A bowl of water is uneven
Two years ago, one film won the Golden Horse Award.
The movie is called "Sunshine".
It tells the story of a two-child family, the older brother is excellent and sensible, the younger brother is cynical, and these two lotus flowers and very different souls give parents the greatest test
- Test patience, test love.
Let's talk about it today.
The driving school coach Lao Chen has two sons, but he only admits that he has one son
- The eldest son, Ahao.
Ahao is a good student, excellent grades, gentle personality, always take care of people, everyone likes Ahao, he is the legendary "other people's children".
The second son, Ah He, is Ah Dou who cannot support the wall.
Compared with the tall and handsome brother, the younger brother is short and obscene, he always carries the cat on his back, and everywhere he goes, he is like a shrunken dead soul, A He lives a fringe life of a small asshole, fighting is a common thing, and his academic performance is not to mention.
It's obvious who parents will like.
One day, Ah He broke into a catastrophe, he and his bad account friends cut people down and were sent to the juvenile court.
In court, my father, Lao Chen, said indifferently to the judge: I hope you will keep my son old and dead.
Ah And Gong Bell is imprisoned, and Ah Hao is the only hope for the whole family.
But one night, Ah Hao packed all his bags, folded his clothes, deleted his cell phone messages, jumped down from the window, and committed suicide.
Overnight, the family had only one son left
The son they didn't want.
There is no doubt that this is a family tragedy. But why did you get the Golden Horse Award?
Some film critics said that this film is not only skillful in shooting, but also reflects the common shortcomings of Taiwanese society.
A and Ahao's family is not a case, the perfect Ahao looks bright and beautiful, but he carries two expectations, one belongs to himself, one comes from his brother, parents have placed expectations on their children to surpass themselves, plus there is a non-instrument around them, the expectations are even more desperate, unsuccessful will become ren!
Ahao can't fail, and parents can't accept that a child is not a tool.
Ahao can not have a shadow, he embarked on the road to perfectionism, and after failing to enter medical school, he sealed himself in the best years with death.
As for Ah He, in order to escape the light of his brother, he unconsciously embarked on a completely different path
A path that my brother would never have.
The brothers have a special life, but they are avoiding one thing:
Shadows in life.
That's why the film is called "Sunshine", people want their children to live in full sunshine, but always forget a simple truth: people who stand in the sun, behind the shadows.
Sunlight and shadows
The Japanese left-wing writer Takuji Kobayashi wrote in His Letter to Takiko: "Because there is darkness, there is light." And it is the people who come out of the darkness who really feel the preciousness of the light. The world is not full of happiness, and it is precisely because there is misfortune on one side that there is luck on the other side. ”
This is especially true in two-child families.
Some time ago I met a friend, her two children are such AB noodles.
The boss succeeded and excelled, did not let the adults worry from a young age, and went all the way to the top universities, and lived an ideal life with a smooth sailing.
What about the second oldest?
It hurts parents. The boss has it, but she doesn't have it.
The boss has excellent grades, the second is lazy to write; the boss is active and self-disciplined, and the second cannot get out of bed; the boss is full of self-motivation, and the second is confused and confused, frequently going in and out of the psychological counseling room.
Later, when the second eldest also grew up, she told her parents: "My brother put too much pressure on me!" ”
Behind the sun, there is always a shadow.
But shadows are not necessary, and sometimes man-made.
In 2014, Taiwanese writer Wu Xiaole released her debut novel, Your Child Is Not Your Child, which chronicles nine family stories she saw during her time as a tutor.
Stills from the episodic episode of the same name
Most of the nine stories are two-child families.
These two-child families do not know each other, but they present a similar state, that is, when one child is inferior to the other, what the parents do is not to accept, but to work hard to pull the two children to the same level.
In the eyes of parents, this is "fair", but the more fair, the more tragedy...
I excerpted two of these stories:
I hate my sister
Mrs. Ji's family has two brothers and sisters.
The older sister is a bully, but the younger brother is a scum.
The younger brother's biggest hobby is to play basketball, and he hopes to go to sports school, but his mother resolutely refuses, because the uncle of the sisters and brothers runs a successful law firm, the uncle has no children under his knees, and if the younger brother can be admitted to law school and become a lawyer, it is likely to inherit the uncle's law firm.
In order for her brother to embark on this road, my mother worked hard.
One day, she called her tutor and asked to change the time of class.
My brother happened to have a ball game that day, and my mother hoped that the class time would be just the right time to replace the ball game, so that my brother could study honestly and not hang out on the court with his friends who were inconsistent.
The child goes to class, but the attitude is very negative.
He lay on his desk and did not listen to the tutor.
The mother came into the house to teach her son, but the son stood up violently and stared at his mother: "I want to play!" ”
"Impossible, you have to prepare for the exam!" The mother refused, and by the way, she gave the example of her sister, asking her brother to seize the time and study hard like her sister.
Brother exploded!
He yelled at his mother:
"Opening and closing your mouth are sisters, if you love your sister so much, why did you give birth to me in the first place?" Did I ask you to give birth to me? I told my friend that I had a crazy mother who thought she could turn me into a second sister by finding a tutor. I hate you, I hate my sister, yes, I just can't be as smart as my sister, you wake up, you just gave birth to a son with a simple mind and developed limbs! ”
After saying that, the child pushed away the mother and snatched the door and came out!
Stills from the episodic episode of the same name
Sister's defection
The second story is the self-narration of a sister.
She has a younger sister.
My sister was admitted to a prestigious school, but my sister hastily dropped out of school.
From an early age, their sisters have excelled, and their mothers do not hesitate to think that as long as the sister is compared to the sister's way, she can become a successful child, or even better!
But the two sisters, both in appearance and personality, are very different.
The younger sister is lively and active, and the sister is introverted and quiet.
My sister could bear to squat at her desk all afternoon just to solve a math problem. My sister is too easily attracted to external things, perhaps a strange cloud, birdsong outside the window, or a harsh trumpet; you give her the pen, she will not use it to calculate mathematics or write words, she will give you a picture.
"I'm good at logic, and my sister is focused on the beauty of things."
Several times, the mother came out of the homework, the sister was unwilling to write, simply copied the answer, when the mother recognized the sister's perfunctory, the sister will show a strange stubbornness, and will not hesitate to fabricate an excuse that is more than a fantasy. The sister's evasion intensified her mother's anger, and her mother beat her to death, and she cried miserably. However, the next time, she still copied the answer, and her mother still beat her to the point that her nose was blue and her face was swollen...
The mother was utterly disappointed in her sister!
Later, although her sister's grades were not bad, she gave up studying, and her personality was extreme and cynical.
My sister said, "My mother really loves me and my sister. It's just that she doesn't know how to love us—these two are from her, but different from hers. ”
Stills from the episodic episode of the same name
Why compare
No one doubts that these parents love their children.
The mother who does not allow her child to go out to play ball, for the sake of the child's spine health, does not hesitate to buy a mattress of tens of thousands of yuan; the mother who beats up her sister has read all the books on parent-child education, collected newspapers about education, and is determined to become an enlightened mother...
But the result of their bloodshed is that their children are centrifuged and hate each other.
Why?
Author Wu Xiaole mentions a small survey she did:
"Of the sixty or seventy students I've been in contact with, I asked at least half of them a question: What do you hate most about adults doing to you?"
"The results surprised me, even though the gender, personality, ranking in the family, their parents' socio-economic background, living environment, etc. were different, their answers were consistent: Compare, I hate my parents comparing me with others!" Some students go into more detail: if the object of comparison is siblings, it is even more annoying. Because you have to live under the same roof as your siblings, get along day and night, and you can't hide from it! ”
For parents, the intention of comparing children is probably severalfold:
First, "see the wise and think together", adults will be regarded as encouragement to children.
Second, "knowing shame and then being brave", through comparison, let children be ashamed, shame can spur progress.
Third, "everything is inferior, but the reading is high", if you can't even read well, who can compare in the future? Now is not compared, the future will be compared, to establish a sense of competition, do not have to start from the doll!
Adults' intentions are often good, but why do they fall behind so many complaints?
American psychologist Beverly Engel wrote in his book "It Wasn't Your Fault": Many people wonder why mental problems often date back to childhood.
Because childhood is a special period, children's feelings are delicate and rich, their intellect is not strong enough, the main driving force is emotions.
For adults, a little emotional trauma is of course not nothing, adults have the ability to discern, can distinguish what the other party is saying what the intention is, but children are not very good, they are always easy to be gullible, when they accept too much negative information and negative emotions, these become their behavior and thinking mode, and they need to make great efforts to correct it in the future...
This is why adults compare themselves with each other, but children hate it!
Adults see comparison as a ladder of progress, while children feel humiliated and despised.
Adults see comparison as objective encouragement, but children receive a simple and rude message
- You're not good enough
Adults often think that they can set a "learning example" for children, but the child is wrapped in huge emotions, she knows that she is expected to be a good child with good learning, good homework, and natural self-discipline, but she also feels:
Otherwise, it is not worthy of being loved.
Why not compare
No wonder, the American educator John Holt has long said:
"Understanding children in an adult way is always futile!"
The result of parents' "good for you" is often that parents always wait for their children to say thank you, but children always wait for their parents to say sorry.
In reality, don't such examples abound?
Sometimes, we compare people from afar, those legendary bullfrogs, those successful children who are 18,000 miles away from you but seem to live by your side through the Internet; sometimes, we compare people in the vicinity, children of the same grade, the school bully in the next class; and sometimes, we compare our own children, the brother is naughty, the sister is well-behaved; the sister is strong, the sister is not good; the brother is too stupid, the younger brother is very refined... There are not enough children in other people's families, and the flesh and bones of their own children come together.
20% of the excellent children are enshrined in the comparison, but what about the remaining 80%?
"One will make a thousand bones dry", are you willing to put your own flesh and bones into such cruelty early on?
So, don't compare.
The reason for the comparison is simple:
For the sake of the children.
Paying too much attention to competition will damage competitiveness. Premature emphasis on competition between children will bring indigestible emotional pressure to children and damage their long-term competitiveness! The competition in the adult world ultimately needs to be faced by themselves. But before that, parents have an obligation to protect each child and make him have a confident and autonomous heart.
For parents.
Children who are grown up in comparison are more likely to become parents who love to compare children. Parents who are overwhelmed by real society are more likely to transmit the pressure of competition to their children. If parents can see their intrinsic motivation to be keen on comparison, they will help themselves grow and treat themselves and their children in a different way.
For normalcy.
The world needs all kinds of people!
If there is only one kind of flower in the world, then it is not known.
If there is only one beauty in the world, it loses all its splendor.
If there is only one good child in the world, he will still be lonely in the sunshine...
When you become anxious about your children's comparisons, ask yourself:
What the hell are you comparing to?
Is it more worthy of love than any child?
Is it more valuable than the existence of any child?
Or who is more than who can please your expectations?
Don't compare your children, that will only be futile!
"Brothers who don't respect each other will eventually become outsiders."
Parents who do not respect differences will eventually make their children outsiders.