For divorced families, establishing a good parent-child relationship and allowing children to grow up healthy and happy is a headache for divorced parents.
A few days ago, the reporter of the future network invited Yao Yanhua, secretary of the joint party branch of the Beijing Women's Federation social organizations and vice president of the Beijing Family Construction Promotion Association, Shen Binqian, a lawyer and equity partner and lawyer of Beijing Zhongwen Law Firm, and Mu Luping, assistant judge of the People's Court of Xicheng District of Beijing and a doctoral candidate in law at the University of the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, to the live broadcast room of the future network, as well as the single mother Of Li, a guest from the off-site connection, and Song Zipeng, a reporter of the Future Network, to discuss "How to let children grow up healthy and happy in a divorced family?" ”
The following is based on excerpts from the live interview recordings.
The future webcast live
Host: Ms. Li, with your own children, how do you do in terms of raising children, educating children, and allowing children to grow up healthily?
Ms. Li: Because I have been divorced for almost 15 years, mainly because I raised the children unilaterally, of course, with the help of the other party's in-laws and in-laws. From my point of view, I think there are a few points that are more important.
The first point is that special attention should be paid to the mental health of children, especially the mental health of children in single-parent families, because children in single-parent families are relatively lacking in love, and there will be some regrets in their hearts, no matter which side the child is on, from my point of view, I think we must do our best to let the child realize that the parents have not abandoned him, or there is no one who does not want him, this is just the relationship between parents, for him, the child is the parent's favorite. I also often talk to him, because when the child is too young, in fact, he can't understand much, but if he doesn't say anything to him, he doesn't know, so he keeps repeating this with him so that the child has a concept.
The second point is that when the child grows up and understands a little bit, I will stand in the child's point of view and explain to him the reasons for single parents, why single parents, why parents are divorced, many children do not dare to ask, and do not know how to ask, but this does not mean that he does not want to know in his heart. There are also many factors, such as going to kindergarten, going to school, or having parent-teacher conferences. In fact, it is a simple talk, but will tell him about this matter, not hide it from the child. After telling the child, he may not have reacted much at the time, but he knew the matter in his heart.
The third point is that our children are boys and are naughty. So no matter whether you go to kindergarten or school, you will sometimes fight with children, especially when you are around 10 years old. I think this is related to a single-parent family, and he always has some resentment towards his parents' divorce, and may fight with children to vent, and then attract the attention of teachers and parents.
So this piece, such as a fight, the teacher asked me to go to a parents' meeting to solve this matter, from this point of view, I will not unilaterally blame the child, teach the child, come back to communicate with him more, such as taking him to participate in some classmate activities, school activities or extracurricular activities, to strengthen communication with children.
Host: Just mentioned that children were naughty when they were young, and even sometimes they fought, so how do you deal with and grasp the handling of parent-child relationships?
Connecting Guest: I try to allocate all my free time to my children. For example, during these summer vacations, I myself will deliberately take a relatively long vacation to take him to various places, even abroad to participate in various parent-child activities, these parent-child activities, organized by the school, as well as extracurricular organizations, is to take him as much as possible to participate in some activities with classmates.
He also enrolled his child in some classes, such as playing basketball, soccer, and other activities with children or his peers, and he had some friends of the same age who would be particularly happy to make up for the unhappiness of single-parent families and a person.
These parent-child activities, I went with my child, the child is now 20 years old, he still remembers where he went to play when he was a child, he remembers what activities he participated in, because he was very happy and made a lot of friends of the same age.
Host: Some children of divorced families may still be relatively young, only a few years old, older teenagers, children at this stage are actually not psychologically mature, and even some rebellious psychology exists in adolescence. In this case, how do you think you should deal with the parent-child relationship?
Yao Yanhua: I have seen many divorced families, they will deliberately find a time, parents and fathers to take their children to play together, to participate in some activities, so that children have a sense of security, although parents have been separated for some reasons, but their love for children is the same.
Shen Binqian: First of all, I think the first point that the mother just said is quite important, but many divorced families can't do it, conceal the fact that the child has been divorced, and tell the child that the parents are still together, which is to a certain extent to treat the child as a fool. In fact, the younger the child, the more acute, he can perceive something, if not told the child, in fact, the child is in a state of instability. I talked a lot about stability today, but in fact, many of the children's problems are caused by inner instability.
Secondly, I think that mother just spent a lot of time with the child, which is a parent who can take time to spend with the child, so what if the divorced parent does not have time to accompany the child?
I think that if parents don't have a lot of time with their children, in fact, the children only need to be really with you, even if the time is two minutes, but they must be with the children wholeheartedly. The time you spend with your child conveys love, stability, and even this love can travel through time and space, and even if there is no time with your child, you can make your child feel that your parents love him.
Time is just an external image, parents can give their children a large chunk of time better, may not give, but to give a stable love, let the child know that the child is loved, this is enough. In fact, the problem of children's rebellion during adolescence is widespread, and it has little to do with parental divorce or non-divorce, if parents can deal with it, even if the divorced child is still not rebellious.
I think that acceptance is the ultimate solution to everything, that is, whether it can accept imperfection, and now many parents tell their children that they must be perfect, making children very nervous, in fact, it is not necessary. Life is born to pursue perfection, and you can tell your children that everyone makes mistakes, but each of us is constantly challenging. Let the child move forward spontaneously in imperfection, and progress in accepting imperfection, which is a kind of happy progress, not the progress of anxiety and fear. Love and fear do not exist at the same time, when there is love, there will be no fear, so it is still necessary to make the child's heart full of love, this love is a sense of stability, a kind of acceptance. Accept that parents are divorced, accept that they move forward in imperfection.
Host: Let's return to the topic of today's live broadcast, "Divorced families, how to let children grow up healthy and happy?" "Invite three guests, and finally summarize it in simple language."
Yao Yanhua: I think that if it is a divorced family, we must put the education and growth of the child first. It should also be emphasized that marriage and divorce should be done with caution.
Shen Binqian: I think we must learn to truly love and accept.
Mu Luping: Enjoy the process of life with your children, grow up together, and inject your own maternal and paternal love into this common growth to promote the healthy and happy growth of your children.
Source: Future Network reporter Li Yingying, trainee reporter Song Zipeng