Around us, there are many people like us who are thirty or forty or even forty or fifty years old but still "haven't grown up": they should be steady and wise, but they still appear naïve and naïve; they should have shouldered the heavy responsibility of life, but they always subconsciously counted on others; they should have worked spontaneously, but they always needed others to supervise them.
People who form a family with them are tired, because their lives are still uncertain, and you have to help them correct.
In fact, they also know very well that they are the most tired people.
In them, they basically had the characteristics of "young and old": in the early days of their lives, they were mostly sensitive and intelligent, inferior and strong, restrained and patient - they all had a painful past that was not humane enough for outsiders, and they had a heavy burden beyond their own age, but when they became adults, they would subconsciously want to retain or find that innocence.
In this way, some people become pessimistic and world-weary, irresponsible/irresponsible "bastards", and the other part becomes a simple and kind but honest person who bears the burden of humiliation.
In fact, they are all the same, envious of the unrestrained nature of others, leaving the few remaining naivety and stupidity to the people closest to them.
This may be a common feature of a certain generation, or it may be their fate, and the reason is that their nurturers prematurely demand that they look like adults.
Text | Honest Chen YOLO
Edit | God teases Daddy
People who have not grown up have similar dilemmas
Look around us, or look at ourselves, and see how many of these people I'm talking about exist.
Tell a case of pervasiveness.
Xiao Dong and Xiao Li, a couple, both around the age of 40, have a daughter.
They also came together under the coincidence of karma, had love and sweetness, and had countless times of nearly falling apart.
Unilaterally wanting a divorce was Xiaoli's idea about three years after marriage, and in her eyes, her husband exposed all his problems after marriage.
He is an old and good man, kind and simple and naïve, always suffers losses outside, and in Xiaoli's view, he is cowardly, naïve and incompetent;
He is a person who is a little rich and safe, advocating stability in everything, and in Xiao li's view, this is not progressive;
He is a good-tempered person, emotionally stable, and once made Xiaoli feel that he was indifferent to himself;
He is a person without a sense of ceremony, never prepares gifts during the festival and does not expect to receive gifts, in Xiaoli's view, he is a person without mood and does not understand romance;
He is a person without friends, cold and lazy to take care of any interpersonal relationships, in Xiaoli's view, he is too pessimistic to have no hope in life...
Even though he doesn't smoke or drink, has high moral character, and does what he says, Xiaoli also wants to divorce him, and she even thinks that he is a pool of mud that can't be lifted up, which is too bad.
"You have to decide everything, you have to supervise everything, and I am not his mother!" She said.
If it weren't for the daughter, they would have become strangers long ago.
And Xiao Dong wants to divorce, but it is something that has happened in recent years, and for many years, he has been intolerable to Xiao Li.
From Xiao Dong's point of view, Xiao Li is more and more like the opposite of him, in his view, his wife is the one who really did not grow up.
She can't eat any loss, and the fault of others can't tolerate it; she is always dissatisfied with the status quo, always thinking about tossing and turning; she always has endless resentment, but she only pours out her anger to her family; she always wants to be the lord of everything, but she feels that you have no opinion; she always looks forward to holidays, and only uses gifts to measure the feelings between people; she is sincere and upright, always offending some people who do not need to offend...
He felt that Xiaoli was not a person who could live a life, it was Xiaoli who made the family unstable, and it was Xiaoli who was destroying his future and life.
"Who doesn't want to have a successful career? Who doesn't want to go their own way? Have you seen all the dirtiness of the world? Are you a person with a future? I may be an incompetent husband and father, or even an unfilial child and grandchild, but you are also a competent wife and mother? If you were my daughter, I could spoil you for the rest of my life, but alas, you are not! He said.
Obviously, these two are people who have not grown up, and one of the basic signs of maturity is that they no longer hope for others to change their lives.
The reason for "not growing up"
I have to admit that these two people are the epitome of many of us, it may be you, it may be me, it may be a person of a certain era - in a certain era, in some family, children are prematurely asked to look like adults.
You know, Xiao Dong and Xiao Li used to be "children of other people's understanding", it was so many early wisdom, so young and old, they can come together, not just because of fate.
However, separated from their original families, they instinctively want to regain the youth of their youth that has been lost or never enjoyed. One is that they are unwilling to pretend and are unwilling to endure, and the other is that the principles and methods of the elders have become instinctive.
When I was a child, I was also a young and mature person, and in the eyes of others, I have always been a good student with good character and good education; in the eyes of my parents, I have always been a good child who is obedient and sensible.
It's just that I myself understand how eager I am to be able to live like a child.
In that case, there are demands that I can put forward, difficulties that I don't have to struggle alone, setbacks that I don't have to pretend to be strong, and unfairness that I don't have to hide; in that case, others will no longer be so reassured about me, and I will get more care from them.
I don't blame my parents, because my old age has an element of "poor children are early home", and as the eldest son, I have to stand up and take responsibility.
It's just that more people are not like this, and so many people with good family conditions have also been shaped into such a life - they are forced to work hard at the age of play, and they are forced to become "perfect people" at the age of trial and error, and as a result, they are really not allowed to make mistakes, really should play with their lives, and really should be responsible to pursue freedom and laissez-faire.
It was only in recent years that I had children that I understood the reasons for this.
I found that that generation of elderly people can restrain their children and grandchildren as they did in the first place, and some can even take the "upbringing" of a 3-year-old child to judge whether this child can have a "productive" life.
I wonder why they are so dissatisfied with their children and still have so much confidence in raising them!
They seem to subconsciously ignore the reasons for their inappropriate parenting methods, attributing their children's "lack of success" to their "lack of effort" and "lack of progress".
Over the years, I have come into contact with countless children and students, and I have come to the conclusion that, whether you admit it or not, I personally firmly believe that most of the "unspiritual" (old, wooden, conservative, introverted) children are promoted by overly strict parenting methods.
Not allowing children to make mistakes because they are afraid of trouble, not allowing children to be lively because of physical weakness, "teaching children before people" because they love face, and being too strict with their children because of extreme introspection (their original mistakes) are all mistakes that parents or old people who help with their babies often make.
Because only "old" children can make people "worry-free", can reflect their "well-nurtured".
The problem is that when the children's instincts can not be released, when the children's needs are not valued and satisfied for a long time, these things are only temporarily hidden, and one day, when his wings are hardened and he no longer depends on the original family, he will subconsciously want to find out or take it out.
For example, expecting others to spoil him like a spoiled child, expecting others to tolerate him forever, expecting others to supervise him forever...
As a result, the older he got, the more he looked like a child who hadn't grown up.
This can be a disaster for anyone who has reached adulthood.
You have to really grow up when your wives are separated from each other, and the price is too high!
Write at the end
Children who are "young and old" often experience despair and pain that ordinary people can't believe, and they don't get the warmth and care that ordinary people can get, and the cruel environment makes them have to "mature" earlier, but this maturity needs to be put in quotation marks.
Because this is not really maturity, those who are abandoned and ignored innocence and happiness will become the extreme pursuit of the second half of their lives, and they will subconsciously want to get it, and then make some words and deeds that do not meet the current age, destroying their happiness and life.
Raising children should not be rushed, the most basic laws of nature should be observed, and at the age of what should be understood, and what should be done, it is more likely to become the person who should be.
Finally, true maturity should be rooted in inner cultivation, self-consciousness without reminder, freedom premised on restraint, and kindness for the sake of others (Liang Xiaosheng quote).
These four can be used as a reference to the upbringing of children.
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