The Lantern Festival is approaching, and the half a month from the beginning of the Chinese New Year's Eve is also the season when single people are asked by the elders "Three Questions in the Spring Festival": Are you in love? When will you bring your partner to the New Year? Planning to get married?
Nowadays, online words such as "old age and no love" and "mother-fetus single" have gradually become "hot words". Literally, "single mother and fetus" refers to people who have not been in love since birth. If you're one of them, don't feel sad.
Douban has a group, called "Mother Singles Mutual Aid Group", established less than a year ago, members are about to break through the 30,000 mark, every day there are 99+ people queuing up to enter the group, there are many marriage and love theme programs to find the administrator for cooperation.
The group has a total of 6 administrators, 4 of whom live in Shanghai and Hangzhou. Recently, we talked to administrators about their families, socializing, confusion, and self-reconciliation.
I hope that you who see this story, whether you are single or an elder who will start the "Spring Festival Three Questions", please relax and enjoy life well. Then, meet the right guy.
establish
When many single men and women initiated or were forced to start blind dates, we contacted Chen Yi (pseudonym) and Xiao Ge (pseudonym), who are the two founders of the "Mother Singles Mutual Aid Group".
Entering the tea room, two long-haired girls sat in the corner, quite conspicuous. We smiled and confirmed each other's identities, and as soon as we sat down, Chen Yi pushed a cup of tea in front of me: white peach oolong, drink warm and warm, if you don't like it, change it a little.
Good looks, cheerful personality, smooth communication, it is difficult to associate the two girls in front of them with the "mother's single".
"When I went to other events before, people thought I had someone." Chen Yi straightened his back slightly: "I feel that everyone misunderstands a lot about people like us who have always been single." ”
The establishment of the "mother-single mutual aid group" originated from a small "joke" between Chen Yi and Xiao Ge.
After graduating from college, Chen Yi chose to go to the United Kingdom to study, and last year's Spring Festival was a person locked in the house, and when he was homesick, he visited various interest groups on Douban to pass the time. She soon discovered that almost all relationship-related groups were for couples or people with ambiguous partners.
Finally, she couldn't help but complain in the group of friends: "Is no one concerned about our mother's life?" ”
At that time, it was 11 o'clock in the evening of Beijing time, and the little goose who was studying in Hong Kong had the first response: "Simply let's build one ourselves, only the 'mother list' can join." ”
The two were friends when they were in hangzhou when they were in college, and they quickly applied for the "mother single mutual aid group", the reason why they wrote is: It is not difficult to understand from life experience, the "mother single" group will face some common problems, we want to explore the reasons for maintaining the state of the mother single, try to get rid of the "mother single" or choose to face it with a positive attitude.
Two days later, at two o'clock in the morning, the little goose was busy with his homework, just about to sleep, and found that the approval had been approved.
To celebrate, Chen Yi chose a group avatar, which was a whiteboard in a mahjong tile with the caption: My Emotional Experience.
Hot
No one expected that 3 days later, the "mother single mutual aid group" landed on the Douban hot group trend and broke a record.
As long as Chen Yi opens Douban a little, there are 99+ applications for grouping waiting for approval: "This name makes me feel a lot of belonging", "Finally there is this group!" Even big data knows that I am a 'mother single'. ”
The reasons for applying are even more varied.
Someone wrote only two words in a cursory manner: "communication";
Some people understand that this is a pure blind date group, and want to enter the group to "seek objects";
Some people understand "mother's list" as a single mother: "I have a baby, single for more than ten years..."
If these statuses do not match or the reasons are unclear, the two administrators often click "reject", even so, at the busiest time, the management team has to process nearly a thousand applications a day.
During that time, the two administrators were reviewing day and night.
Chen Yi originally made an appointment with his mother in China to talk to a video phone every day, and sometimes had to start shorting the length of the call. Mom heard that she was busy with this group and laughed at her: "So busy? That's not even less time for love. ”
As the homework became more and more tight, the two had to invite their friends who were also "mother singles" to help join the management.
For new members who apply for membership, they will give some suggestions: please be sincere about the reason for joining the group, write more about the understanding of "mother-single mutual assistance"...
After someone read it, he replied: "The management team has broken so many things that it does not give it a good idea." ”
In Chen Yi's view, the seemingly cumbersome review is just to maintain a better operation order of the group.
confused
In the "Mother Singles Mutual Aid Group", the most discussed posts are related to feelings.
Many posters ask for help while constantly reflecting on their own problems: Is it professional and work reasons that cannot expand their social circle? Are you not good at communicating with people? Is it that the sense of boundaries is too strong and the sense of security is lacking?
Some people describe themselves with the lyrics of "Thank You for Your Love": I don't like to be lonely, but I am afraid of getting along with two people.
Among the many reasons for becoming a "mother's list", "the fear of intimate relationship establishment" is repeatedly mentioned, as team member Xiao En said: "A large part of the reason for not falling in love is not daring, not having the confidence to control their emotions, and worrying about affecting other parts of life." ”
Xiao En's speech was replied to by many team members, and some people went down again and began to "frantically" find reasons in themselves: the influence of the original family, the lack of confidence in appearance, the fear of taking responsibility...
For a while, Chen Yi felt that the "mother single mutual aid group" had to be overwhelmed by negative energy, especially in the middle of the night, many posts did not ask for help, just to pour out: I felt that my life was like a dry well, a number that was practiced and wasted; and talking to friends about stories, always the person who had no story... Age anxiety, appearance anxiety, self-doubt, like a dark cloud, hanging over the group, which is obviously contrary to the original intention of the group.
In her vision, the establishment of the "mother single mutual aid group" is to break everyone's stereotype of "mother single" and help the "mother single" better recognize themselves and enjoy life better. However, after rejecting some applications for membership, they often receive some negative private messages outside the group, such as: "Ugly people do more strange things, no wonder the 'mother's single' for a lifetime", "You look for reasons from yourself, otherwise why doesn't anyone want it?" ”......
This often puzzled her.
She feels that she is extroverted, multi-faceted, good communication skills and strong empathy have also made her a listener to her friends in love troubles, and she has also been actively understanding the opposite sex. But the rich social life and personal hobbies make her spiritual world very rich, and sometimes, she even has some worries, if the person she likes is not frequent with herself, what to do, the run-in period will not be very long and painful.
Thankfully, the family didn't put any pressure on her. The parents of the post-70s and the married post-80s seniors will explain her: "Love this thing, can't be anxious." Maybe it will appear after that? ”
Later, her sociological mentor told her a psychological term called "insecure attachment," which is a psychological pattern. This model is mainly divided into two types, one is the avoidant type, he will not have the desire to fall in love, and the other is the anxiety type, he will be afraid of rejection and do not talk. A big reason for this psychological pattern is that from an early age, there is no stable emotional support from parents.
Later, the tutor showed her a study, and another reason for the "mother list" may be hidden in genes, and even the influence of genes is higher than that of the original family. A foreign science blogger (Asap Science), mentioned a study showing that due to the different serotonin receptor genes, some people are "born" not good at falling in love.
Therefore, being single well and yearning for love are not in conflict.
To encourage everyone to be more active, administrators took the lead in sharing their lives. Chen Yi recorded his daily cooking and fitness routine, and shared his favorite songs. On Tanabata, she chose a song called "Honesty": "She said baby, I'm afraid of falling in love / Don't worry about girls / I guess it's about the game of patience".
The little goose shared the small luck in life: bought a bouquet of flowers to decorate the house, went home to see that it was a peony; today's dress was praised by strangers with taste...
reconciliation
The surprise was the new admin who clicked. She set up the 2022 "Today I'm Great / I Like Myself" punch card building, calling on the team members to punch in and record the moments of praising themselves and liking themselves every day.
She summed up the two states of the group members, one is to care about external evaluation, that their own problems have caused a "mother list"; the other is to experience a period of confusion, clearly define the direction of the desire, want a relationship that holds the initiative.
After many years of studying and working in a foreign country, New York, Beijing, Hangzhou, and finally this northern girl decided to settle down by the West Lake. She loves the pyrotechnic atmosphere that the city brings to her.
Usually, she devotes herself to her work, and when she is free, she goes to the nearby flower market to buy a few bouquets of flowers, goes to the vegetable market to buy vegetables, and cooks a small hot pot for one person.
On weekends, she would go to live houses and some music festivals alone, and she chased "Summer of the Band" for both seasons, and her favorite was "Nine Lives". When she doesn't go out, she curls up on the couch at home and watches a favorite movie, and as she approaches the age of 30, she describes herself as she likes herself more and more every year.
At the end of the year, she boarded hangzhou's famous 1314 bus, lifted the hem of her skirt and carefully crossed the threshold of Faxi Temple, praying to meet her ideal partner.
She envisions getting along: two sitting at opposite ends of the living room, quietly doing their own things, the cat sleeping on the carpet, and a plate of uneaten fruit on the coffee table. They would go to the supermarket together, discuss what to eat in the evening, and click to say happy birthday.
In the Douban group, she wrote: "I still look forward to love and companionship, he came to add icing on the cake, and I can live freely if he does not come." ”
The boy she once liked was described by her as a "backstage love": it was like being on a phone, maybe not running, but always in the background, remembering to come and see.
Recently, she wrote letters to people all over the world through the Internet platform, and a Shanghai boy working overseas wrote back to her, the two were very chatty, often talking until late at night, similar souls were close to each other, and the outline of love loomed.
graduate
"You see, 'motherhood' is not a flaw, maybe they know what they want earlier, they have more patience, and when true love comes, they will be more determined." 」 In the "graduated" post, someone changed the title to: Meet the right person, get off the order quickly.
In the impression of the little goose, there are two team members who got married just a few days ago.
It was Xiao Xie, who joined the "Mother Singles Mutual Aid Group" in March last year, and met a boy in the group, and she described each other: "We have only known each other for half a month, but I feel like I have known each other for a long time." ”
They were pleasantly surprised to find that the two people's interests, personalities, and values were all similar, and many times, often she only said the first half, and the boy could understand the upper and lower halves, so in May they established a relationship.
The sincerity of online communication makes the offline meeting also very smooth, on the day of the single, Xiao Xie changed the status to "graduated", and attached a sense of love: when meeting the right person, that feeling is an experience that has never been experienced since birth, what is not confident, afraid of trouble, are clouds, just go with the flow.
After 8 months of falling in love, the two got married. Xiao Xie happily posted a group photo in the post, the two kissed at the camera, and on the wall behind them, seven big words were pasted with red paper: You for the rest of your life.
Recently, Chen Yi has another "mother's single" friend who has taken off the list, and she issued a "love is really good" exclamation in the circle of friends: "A healthy emotional relationship makes me more confident, more brave, more willing to love, and more convinced that I am worthy of being loved." I'm not a person who adapts to long-term deep intimacy, but maybe the right person is the right person, and he made me understand that two people can really live better, more interesting, and more interesting than one person. ”
As Professor Liang Yong'an said, young people should have a firm single belief: "This has an advantage, you may meet a soul mate upwards, and downwards, you may also meet a kind lover." The most feared is to pin your life on others, hoping that others will bear more, everything is an expectation of others. ”
Source: SHOW, who is not gossipy at all, Qianjiang Evening News hourly news reporter Chen Xinyi
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