This is the 501st original of Dumb Dad
Dumb Daddy Parenting Contributing Author: Dododai
Two days ago, take the kids to play in the park. At the gym equipment, I saw a five- or six-year-old child playing with parallel bars, because he was not tall enough, he wanted to use his arms and feet to assist in the force, tried to climb the parallel bars, and the result was that his hand slipped and fell.
Impartially fell right on the back of his head, falling so hard that the boy cried.
A woman ran over in a hurry and criticized the child, saying:
"How many times have I told you?" This parallel bar can't be played, you have to play here, have you forgotten that in the summer, your legs are broken? Why are you so disobedient, don't let you play what you play, the other day, don't let you climb the windowsill, you don't climb, as a result, the teeth are knocked off..." As she spoke, she began to turn over the old account.
The child had been crying, but after listening to his mother's words, he gradually relented from crying and looked at his mother blankly.
He may be a little sad because he fell so hard that instead of comforting him, his mother kept saying what she had done wrong.
Many parents turn over old accounts in order to make their children "long-term memory". However, in the eyes of the child, the feeling of being turned over the old account is very bad.
01.
Turning over old accounts will expose children to "secondary harm".
There is a topic on Weibo about "What is the experience of parents turning over old accounts?" Many people's feelings are "better to live than to die."
Some netizens said that when his parents turned over old accounts, he was eager to kill himself and return his life to them...
Parents turning over old accounts will not only not let their children correct their mistakes, but will make them feel bad.
In the eyes of the child, it was originally just a mistake, but the parents suddenly remembered the previous things that were rotten in the grain, and repeatedly told the unpleasant things in the past, and that feeling was simply torment.
Parents turn over old accounts, and those bad feelings in the past will be like playing a movie and going through it again in the child's heart. The scar that has been scabbed and torn again is undoubtedly painful for the child.
Someone once did an experiment:
Have two groups of people write down the things that have made them angry in the last week in their diaries, and then let them watch some videos, one group is sad and sad, and the other group is funny and relaxed.
After reading it, let them recall the events recorded in the diary.
The results show that when people are in a good mood, the things that once made them angry were just "passing through the clouds". But when they were depressed, a very small thing in the past seemed particularly big and bad.
This incident shows that the "old account" is only one thing in the memory, and there is no good or bad distinction. However, in different moods, there will be different feelings.
Parents turning over old accounts when their children make mistakes is undoubtedly a "falling stone", which will bring a negative psychological hint to the child.
Let the child feel that I am so stupid, because I can't correct the mistakes of the past, so no matter how hard I try, it is in vain.
02.
Flipping old accounts also destroys the parent-child relationship between parents and children.
Fan Deng wrote in the book "Accompanying Children's Growth for Life": "Children's attachment to their parents is an absolutely natural emotion that is difficult to give up. ”
But turning over old accounts can easily undermine a child's trust in their parents.
Actor Wang Yan's son Qiu Qiu, who once said in a variety show, he was dissatisfied with his mother's habit of turning over old accounts, often because he made a little mistake this time, and would say it together with the previous events.
Although Qiu Qiu spends most of his time with his mother, his relationship with her mother is not very close, and he has to keep his distance from his mother even when he sits on the sofa.
This is also the consequence of my mother's love to turn over old accounts.
In fact, the child has made a mistake, and the reason why he tells his parents is that he wants to get help or emotional comfort.
But what they don't want to get is accusations, and parents also say the previous "unbearable" together, which will undoubtedly increase the psychological burden of children.
Parents want to list all the mistakes in order to let the children know the mistakes and avoid the mistakes, but where will the children open these "old accounts" to see the true intentions of the parents.
They only feel that their parents do not love themselves, and the next time they have difficulties and troubles, they will never tell their parents again.
It is a trust for children to tell their parents about the mistakes they have made. But the words they say are turned into sharp weapons by their parents and stabbed at themselves, which is the greatest harm to children.
03.
Parents are obsessed with flipping through old accounts, starting from the good of their children, hoping that they will learn a lesson and not wrestle in the same place.
But turning over old accounts is the least low way, and it will only ruin the child.
The book "Child: Challenge" writes: "'How many times have I told you...", I don't know how many times the sentence has been angrily said by many parents, this sentence has only one meaning, that is, to express the anger of parents, and has no other use." ”
When a child makes a mistake and we want to help him, what can we do?
1. We first need to deal with our emotions.
In the variety show "Growing Up Without Worries", there was a guest Pengfei who was particularly broken because his mother had the habit of turning over old accounts.
In the case of losing money, he lost money when he was 13 years old, and it turned out to be something that his mother said over and over again. As for why she turned over old accounts, the reason given by her mother was that she was very angry and wanted to let her children remember sex for a long time.
In fact, he is now in his twenties and has only lost money twice.
The expert teacher on the field sincerely reminds the mother that her old account is reminding the child that if you do not lose money, the mother will also remind you, so please lose money as soon as possible.
Turning over old accounts is off track and cannot play a role in educating children at all. It's all a way for parents to vent their emotions. Because I saw the mistakes that the child had made before and made them again, I was annoyed, so I would turn the child's "old yellow calendar" out.
At this time, we will only deepen the harm to the child.
So the more angry we are, the more we have to remind ourselves to be calm, because with emotions, the words spoken are irrational.
After calming down, we have patience and will talk to the child well. Gentle and attitude.
2. Don't hold on to mistakes.
Making mistakes is not a flood beast in the growth of children, as long as parents handle it properly, it will become a stepping stone for children's growth.
There is a "Pygmalion effect" in psychology, which refers to the fact that people will involuntarily accept the influence and suggestions of those around them.
And parents are the most trusted people in children, and the impact on children is also the greatest.
Xie Yong's "Verbal Violence" interviewed several juvenile offenders at the Shenyang Juvenile Detention Center.
One of the criminals said that he made mistakes when he was a child and was often called "pig brain", precisely because he turned over old accounts again and again and was scolded, resulting in him as an adult, he could not hear others say a word.
Later, because of gambling debts, others scolded him as a "pig brain", and in anger, he actually found a gun and killed people in the casino.
Parents keep turning over old accounts, which will only bring irreparable harm to their children, resulting in a sense of psychological repression, children will continue to pay for past mistakes, and some children will even have a broken jar and broken mentality.
3. Discuss things and solve problems.
When a child makes a mistake, the easiest and most straightforward way is to solve the problem.
Due to young age, a mistake does not allow children to learn lessons, but needs to learn repeatedly, so that they will have a "long memory".
We can use the "awakening memory method" instead of turning over old accounts and giving children tips - have you ever encountered such a problem before? How did you solve it?
Although the child may have a situation of "repeated teaching and not changing", we must not only focus on the child's mistake itself, but find the child's bright spot in the mistake, and he learned something from this mistake.
This also raises the child to be a growth mindset, believing that every mistake is an opportunity to learn, not a bad thing.
Yesterday, my son broke a bowl, and instead of blaming him, I thanked him for taking the initiative to help me clean up the bowl and clean up the debris with him. He kept wondering how the bowl had fallen.
Later, he finally found the reason, because the bowl was stacked too high.
This wasn't the first time he had broken a bowl, the last time he had run with it, he had fallen and the bowl had fallen to the ground.
This time, he didn't run, but something else happened, but he learned a new skill and couldn't stack the bowl too high.
Parents love their children and hope that they will become better people, they should respect them, only respected children will show a better side, and life will grow better in continuous self-optimization.
From today onwards, let us be a parent who does not turn over old accounts, and be a parent of "tofu mouth, tofu heart".
About author:Duoduodai, a post-80s woman. One hand of writing, one hand of life. I want to write all the beauty of the world to you.
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