In this world, there are many helpless parents, facing their own children but suddenly find strange and terrible, once very well-behaved children suddenly become fierce, parents find that when they lose control of their beloved son, love has passed, hate is not OK, talk or listen, scold useless...
When they talk about their children's questions helplessly, sometimes they often get only one sentence: "It's too late", why?
Because they miss the best time for children's psychological education.
01
A lot of psychological problems for children
All stem from the way parents raise their children before the age of 12
I often hear or see all kinds of heartbreaking and painful reports from news sources: only because of the mother's scolding of her son on the Internet, the 12-year-old son committed suicide.
Just because the teacher criticized a few words, the girl with excellent academic performance actually jumped off the building.
Children who are addicted to online games and write a lot of online diaries jump off buildings for fear of their father's scolding, and these parents may not know that their children's behavior is closely related to their way of educating.
Like a doctor looking at a patient in pain, many patients can only lament their misfortune, encountering this disease... In fact, most diseases are closely related to the patient's own lifestyle.
Despite genetic problems, despite environmental problems, intellectual lifestyles are the most important factor, and so are children's psychological problems.
In general, children have behavioral problems or psychological problems such as: truancy, lying, Internet addiction, bumping into parents, running away from home, suicide, as well as fighting injuries, participating in robbery and other "onset period" around the age of 12 to 18 years old.
However, behavioral problems and related psychological problems at this age range all originate before the age of 12. And it stems from the way parents raise their children.
Have you ever thought about the following questions before you became a parent:
01. Do you have enough time to accompany your child to grow?
If you urgently need to earn money, if your career is too important, if you do not have time to feed yourself, then you must not be suitable for the time being to have children, otherwise, it is very likely that when the career is large, the children have become strangers...
02. Do you have enough patience to spend time with your child?
If you are a person who only needs others to care about you and is not willing to care about others; if you are impatient and extremely reluctant to do such things in the trifles of life, you should consider whether to be a father or mother in the short term.
03. Do you know about the basic stages of a child's psychological development, and what you need to do at each stage to complete his "psychological upbringing"?
What comes first and what follows psychological parenting? What are the basic psychological upbringings and which are the psychological upbringings of a lifetime? If you think your child will grow up naturally and understand things naturally after birth? Then you must be disappointed.
Because, in modern society, you do not educate, television, the Internet will educate him (her), when you find that there are all kinds of "problems" in the child, you are too late to act - there is a critical period of psychological development.
Especially in the age of the only child, parents do not have an experimental period, and when you finally understand the principle of parenting, you may have missed the best education period.
02
The child is in the attachment period
What is most needed is the company of parents
Many parents often find out during their children's adolescence that their children have hatred for their own necks, and they feel fear and confusion, as if the children have not grown up in their own line of sight.
Many parents told me that after the child was born, grandma was willing to help us with it, so she handed the child to the elderly, and when the child reached school age, we would take him back.
However, he is not close to us, and he is not obedient at all... The answer is simple, the reason for the estrangement that occurs during adolescence is in the stage of attachment formation.
Psychologists once did an interesting experiment in which a newborn orangutan was placed in a large room with two iron shelves, one bare and without any decorations; the other covered with flannel, resembling a female orangutan, and food and play items on the ground.
Then, observe that the little orangutans are eating? Is it playing? Or do you want a female orangutan? It turned out that the little orangutan screamed in fear in the face of the unfamiliar room, and then climbed onto the simulated female orangutan rack and hugged it tightly.
Only when it was hungry did it come down, and after eating something, it would quickly climb up and crawl to the fluffy female orangutan who was clinging to it.
This experiment proves that although young animals need food, the subsequent need is attachment to the caregiver, and the latter needs to exceed the attraction of toys.
Within the age of one year, whenever a familiar face appears, and then embraced and caressed by a familiar caregiver, the irritable baby can immediately quiet down; this attachment and sense of security are often satisfied, and the baby will have a pleasant and relaxed feeling, on the contrary, the baby will appear irritable.
Psychological research has found that if people do not get this attachment satisfaction for a long time in the early stage of life, they are prone to dissatisfaction, resulting in irritability, sensitivity, neuroticism and other personality disorders.
Therefore, experts suggest that for infants and young children under the age of 3 (especially within 1 year old), 1-2 fixed dependents should be guaranteed, and should not always change caregivers.
In view of this, all parents need to understand: when preparing to get pregnant and preparing to raise a child, we must be mentally prepared, and no matter how hard it is in the first year after the birth of the child, we must take the child by ourselves! Don't let your child leave you, especially in the first year of life!
Of course, attachment has always existed until the child is 12 years old, and attachment phenomenon is inversely proportional to age, and the younger the age, the more important it is.
The psychological influence and psychological control of parents on their children is not how much money your parents earn, nor how much knowledge your parents have, nor how successful your parents' careers are, only how much hard you have worked for the early stages of his life; how much time you spend with him during the attachment period (referring to within the age of 12).
03
A child's speech development requires the nagging of love
Verbal expression is one of the most important abilities of a person in social activities.
People who are not good at verbal expression often behave more negatively in interpersonal relationships and social activities, and even appear to be verbal, late, inferior and so on. Such people often have barriers when they need to communicate or communicate with people.
This disorder appears in early childhood, and when people enter the period of late adolescence to marriage (usually 20 to 29 years old), they can cause more problems.
Especially men, if they have this difficulty, they will be deadlocked because they have no words when communicating with the opposite sex, they will appear tasteless because they do not know what to say, they will be nervous because they do not know how to make people happy, especially when he meets the opposite sex he likes, he will be more anxious...
In the first three years of a person's birth, in the first three years of man's most helplessness, man needs others to do all the things of survival for him: in addition to eating, drinking, and turning over, the child also needs to often see the "human face" and hear the "human voice", especially the nagging of constant love in the ear.
In fact, raising with "love" must be "nagging". Only people who truly love their children will accompany their children while nagging, even if the baby pulls a very smelly, the caregiver is also full of love, nagging diapers and cleaning.
This kind of nagging, although the baby did not react at the time... But this kind of nagging should not be underestimated, but let the child come up with words early, because all "saying" is after "listening", and the more you listen to, the more you can say.
So, if a child speaks early and is small-tongued, it is often because he or she lives mainly in the family before the age of one and a half to three (compared to children who grew up in kindergarten) and always has relatives who love him or her around.
On the contrary, when we find that when a child meets strangers at the age of 4 or 5, he does not like to open his mouth and does not like to call people, often he lacks this "nagging background" before the age of 3.
If we meet a young person or an adult who can naturally talk to people in a short period of time, love to talk, and talk well, such people often do not have the difficulties or obstacles of social interaction (that is, communication with people).
Summary: When a child is young (especially within 1 and a half years old), only material support is not enough, whether he reacts or not, whether he can understand it or not, the caregiver must also nag more when expressing love with care... Let him (her) ear leave the whisper of his mother, the low voice of his father.
Because all the nagging sounds at this time are related to the happy memories formed by you taking care of him or her and satisfying him or her. That's one of the bases on which he or she will love you and you without a reason: familiar voices...
04
Say "No!" to the child before he turns six. ”
The first step in psychological parenting is emotional parenting, but what puzzles many parents is that when the children they cultivate with emotion and all their efforts suddenly make their parents feel so strange, so hostile, so terrible...
Some children have always been honest in the eyes of their parents, how can they one day let the police come to the house and say, "He participated in the robbery"?
Some parents think they are so good to their children, but one day how did he actually commit suicide because he said a few words about him? Some of them run away from home when they are slightly dissatisfied?
I remember the mother of a runaway child who asked this question: "He still held my hand when I went out with him two days ago, how did he get to school (it was boarding school) and run away?" I really can't figure it out..." Why do they love them so much, and they still do this?"
The reason is that the child's growth needs "love", but the essence of love, the art of love, and the expression of love are not only giving, not just satisfying, not all kinds of accommodation, not letting children feel "happy" forever!
Life and death, encounter and parting, happiness and pain, have always appeared in pairs, and the growing child must also experience a "pair" education, and must let him experience a psychological pain, restraint, and patience.
This parenting begins around the age of 3, and when he is able to say what he wants, he starts saying "no" to him, and the result may be an experience that makes him cry bitterly.
If a parent says "no" to a child before the age of 6 (not more than 10 years old at the latest), he will feel pain because of your refusal: at most, it is a cry, and the more serious one is crying, crying and rolling on the ground.
But if you wait for his puberty after the age of 12-14, when you start to "say no" to him or her, he will no longer cry, choke, and roll.
He or she will run away from home, he will commit suicide by taking poison, he will threaten his parents by jumping off a building, because then he or she will have all kinds of abilities and choices to deal with you.
I replied: That's because the child only knows that you love him, he is using your love to threaten you, and he doesn't know the true meaning of death.
Therefore, the parenting love of parents should be intellectual, and do not give children a possibility of misreading.
So, how do you "say no" to young children? Here's how:
First, choose the time when the child willful in the early stages, generally between the ages of 3-5.
Before the age of 3, the child's cry is generally an expression of his physical pain, so the cry is a signal, we want to help him relieve the pain, to care for him...
However, after the child reaches the age of 3, as he grows older, his crying is sometimes no longer physical pain, but an expression of intention.
For example, if you take him to a friend's house, you will not let go of other people's good toys and take them home; You take him to the mall, you see that fun things have to be obtained, and his parents make a big fuss if they don't buy them...
When his parents find that his "do not give up until the goal" mentality appears, they must intentionally educate him to "say no".
Second, the "say no" environment should be exquisite, so that the child is alone with you, and do not let him be in front of everyone or in front of other relatives.
So, no matter where he confronts you and makes a big fuss with you, you should not be in a hurry, to take the child home, it is best to choose in the bedroom, because there are no dangerous items in the room.
You put him in the bedroom, close the door, leave him alone with you, he will feel a situational pressure, and then, tell him (her) "It's not right for you to be like this today!" Not next time!"
Third, the first time you do this, the child may continue to cry... At this time, his parents should not beat him, second, do not scold him, and third, do not give him reason at this time. Because he was still young, many words were not quite understood; Don't walk away, because let him always feel your unyielding attitude.
So, the best way is to sit in front of him and watch him cry. He's going to be sad and angry at first, and it doesn't matter. Because all he could do now was to cry, and it was a big deal that he slammed his head on the foot of the bed while crying.
But he himself must know the pain, no longer bump, and your "persistence" at this time showed him your attitude, don't be ambiguous and resolute! It's good for you and for him.
This way of "saying no" is to tell the child in the handling of an incident: If you do not do it right, I will not give in if you make trouble again, I will not be distressed, and my love for you is limited, depending on your own performance.
All children will perceive your reaction from it. As long as you are resolute, he will understand.
From now on, he will not mess with you so hard! Then you carry out counseling education, enwei and give, let him know that his parents love him, but his parents do not accommodate him - this kind of "contest" is better at the earliest.
05
Hearing and witnessing at an early age determines people's ideas
We often find that as adults in front of the same thing, the practice is very different, in real life, this kind of gap between people is often regarded as "human quality", but this is not a problem of human quality, but a problem of differences in people's concepts.
Quality generally refers to whether an individual has the ability and potential to do something. This ability or potential is mostly derived from innate attributes. The key to determining whether a person does something or not to do something lies in people's concepts.
Many adults will have a feeling of "uneasiness in the heart" after doing something bad, and this uneasiness stems from the existence of ideas in people's hearts.
Someone will say in front of something, "I can't do this kind of thing to kill me"! Once people's concepts are formed, they will make people have the behavior of "reacting unconsciously".
For example, if someone sees a child falling into the water, he immediately jumps into the water to save the child. Afterwards, some people want to write a praise draft, and often ask the rescuer, "What did you think at that time?" Many similar situations where rescuers say, "I jumped without thinking about anything." ”
He was telling the truth. Because there is no effort to think in that situation, one more second of delay will endanger the child's life. This inner motivation to "act" without "thinking" is the idea.
An idea is a human view. It's just that this view often happens at the same time as "looking" or "seeing" at the same time. It is generally believed that a child's opinion is formed after the parents have educated him or her and reasoned about him.
But most people don't know that before the child can understand the "truth", he is already forming a certain opinion. For example, when a child cries willfully, the adult does not roar, is not anxious, does not hit or scold.
Instead, he sat quietly in front of him and watched his crying with waiting eyes, and when he saw this scene, he would understand that his deliberate crying had no effect on his parents, and he would not lose his temper in front of his parents in the future.
If the child is sick when he is young, his father or mother gently approaches him, touches the child's forehead with a warm hand, gently sits next to him, tucks him tightly, accompanies him... A person who grows up in this situation takes care of others in the same way when someone around him is sick.
If one day the child goes out on the street with his mother, and a beggar reaches out to his mother for money, and the mother does not speak, silently finds some change from her body and gives it to the beggar, the child will do the same to the beggar when he grows up.
On the contrary, fathers often punch and kick their families at home, and boys who grow up in such families must have behaved in dealing with their own family conflicts; Mothers who often yell at their neighbors or are arrogant to others will also have interpersonal problems when they grow up.
We must also know that in the personal upbringing of parents, your child is copying the ideas and personalities of the parents, and the various behaviors and attitudes of those closest to him.
The most important imitators in the early years were the mother, and then the father. Generally speaking, people's appearance is mostly taken from heredity, but people's personality and people's ideas depend entirely on the words and behaviors of their parents.
Therefore, for the healthy growth of children, all parents should cultivate their own speech and behavior, show the kindness and example of their parents in the family, show elegance and prudence in conversation, and be reasonable and disciplined in handling various unexpected affairs.