Companionship is the longest confession of affection and the best gift that parents can give to their children.
Hellinger said:
"When a mother conceives in October and risks her life to bring her child into the world, she has accomplished the task. Holding the child's hand to take him to see the world, the task of connecting with the outside world is Dad's."
Today, after seeing Hellinger's words, I remembered some of my own experiences, which triggered a new thinking about family parenting.
New thinking on homeschooling
The new thinking is that dad's absence from homeschooling will make children lack good inner qualities such as bravery and self-confidence.
Without the participation of fathers in family education, when children face the outside world or encounter difficulties and setbacks, they will form a retreating and helpless thinking mode.
I personally understand this.
Growing up, I always thought my childhood was happy.
There is no trouble that peers are tightly managed by their parents, and there is no worry that peers will not be able to spend money from their parents, and every day is bathed in an atmosphere of love and freedom.
My parents never reprimanded me loudly, let alone scolded me, and I always lived unrestrained, free, and casual.
If it weren't for my children, I might still feel happy.
But as I explore my own growth, I find that beneath these explicit happiness, I still have a huge absence below the invisible "iceberg."
This lack comes from Dad's company. Of course I knew that Dad loved me, the kind of love that was hidden deep in my heart.
However, my father's absence throughout my childhood caused me to lack some of my inner qualities.
I remembered spending only a handful of days with my dad, not seeing him more than once a year.
Dad has been earning money outside for many years, and the clearest memory of childhood is that Dad often holds my hand to play at the neighbor's house when he returns home, often hugs me and sits on his lap, such a scene now feels warm in retrospect, and the days when Dad is at home are happy!
But such happy days were so short, so short that I didn't have time to understand it, and my father had already left me.
After my father left, I understood how to understand my father, and only then did I understand why I was unconsciously afraid and avoided the occurrence of contradictions, would I be a little timid, and some were not brave?
This may be an outward manifestation of people who lack the company of their father in childhood! Such an outward manifestation, when I think about the character of my family, it turns out that my family members also have it.
Without the childhood accompanied by the father, the child's growth will be incomplete
A very profound realization is that the absence of the father in the child's childhood will make the child lack bravery and self-confidence, because the father is a symbol of bravery and strength.
In life, I often have an automatic pattern that when one or many bad things strike, when I try so hard, things still don't change as I expected.
I will have the idea of giving up in my heart, I will feel discouraged, the mood will fall to the bottom in an instant, and then it will be uncontrollable to make sex, make trouble, (lose your temper with your children or husband) and then get better.
Finally, enter into a cycle, and so on.
This cycle is like a pattern of learned helplessness, allowing me to be attrition without self-awareness, and I can't break free of that negative closed loop no matter what.
I once saw such a passage in the book "Life Needs Happiness" by psychological counselor Luo Jinyue:
"How you were treated, in fact, you never forgot, and you will never forget." If you seem to have forgotten, it's just that you're remembering him in another way."
Just as I grew up, I always felt that I was very happy, that I had never been hurt in my original family, but in fact, the real feelings that were ignored by my parents were hidden in my subconscious.
Before, I never believed in what an "inner child" was, but now I believe. Because no parent is perfect, and there are never perfect parents, every child will more or less leave the harm of the original family.
Excavating the harm left in your subconscious is not to blame the original family and blame your parents, but to heal yourself, clear the obstacles for growth, and then avoid causing harm to your children.
Now that I see the "black hole" in myself, then I will not hesitate to break it, repair it, and avoid bringing it to the child.
In the book "Coaching Parents", it is said:
"Loving your child is to accompany him when he needs you the most and can't leave you the most." Let him have a happy and happy childhood, which is the best gift for the child."
Parents' education of their children is time-sensitive, after this village there is no such shop, and the child's childhood is the same, just 12 years, after a long time, they will grow up.
If parents are absent from their children's childhood companionship, especially fathers, not only will the feelings between father and son be indifferent, but also the children will lack courage and self-confidence.
Write at the end
In the book "Nourishing the Heart with the Heart", it is said:
"In a family, the father gives the family a spirit, an inner soul, which is slowly shaped by the mother through her own emotions, little by little through each meal."
The father is the "soul" of a family, and the father is no less important to the company of the child than the mother.
I sincerely hope that all fathers can actively participate in their children's lives after work, because your company is the biggest driving force for their children's growth.