Wen | condensed mother's understanding
Looking back at the parent-child relationship in 2021, there are still some problems. But I found that it is not the child who is rebellious and disobedient, but some of my practices that affect the child's mood, and it is I who need to reflect and change, not the child. Moreover, the best time to repair the parent-child relationship is when the child has problems, because then you will reflect, and the child is more likely to find your changes and seize the opportunity.
In October 2021, my son was in an unhappy mood, and he did not tell me at the first time, but confided in the teacher. Put out some unpleasant experiences in junior high school, the difficulties or confusions you face after high school, your own ideas, and so on.
The teacher learned that there was a great contrast between his inner world and his outward performance. My son likes to laugh and looks very sunny, but he is very fragile inside. My son has a robot specialty, but his grades are not top-notch. The teacher believes that a child with a special ability like his son has great potential, but because of the bad mentality, it hinders further development.
Why children are reluctant to talk to their parents, and choose to talk to the teacher, is because the teacher is good at listening and accepting the child, so that the child has no guard, after talking, the mood can be released.
The teacher pointed out that there must be some problems in our parent-child relationship, and parents need to learn, to understand the child's psychological state, and to help the child come out of bad emotions. Only when the child is in a good mood can he have the motivation to learn.
I have also made a lot of changes for my child, respecting the child, supporting the child's interest, and when he is depressed, I would rather accompany him to exercise than write his homework for him.
However, the child's needs and expectations are constantly changing, and I have not kept up with his rhythm. I haven't done enough, I need to learn, reflect and improve again. After two months of hard work, the parent-child relationship was well repaired, and many of the problems we were worried about were solved. So, just write it out now and share it with friends in need.
Multi-channel learning
Thinking about the problems encountered by children day and night, they are almost in a semi-insomnia state, and they will suddenly wake up in the middle of the night. When I wake up, I quickly go online to find out which courses and books can wake me up and solve my troubles as soon as possible.
Looking for ah, found positive psychology - Harvard happiness class, watched the introduction, watched a few episodes of video, as well as text versions and corresponding books, helped me a lot in adjusting my mentality, the following points I feel very important.
Don't strive for perfection. As a parent, I also have many shortcomings, let alone demanding high standards for children.
Those who are confident and curious will be more likely to succeed. The child is particularly curious, that is, his self-confidence is poor and he needs to help him.
Cultivate a positive mindset and focus on your strengths. Children are not useless, there are also remarkable places, to be good at discovery.
Focus on building capacity, not correcting mistakes. Don't just stare at your child's mistakes, but focus on developing the abilities your child needs.
Later, I came into contact with Professor Chu Yin's family education concept, and the harvest was also very large, poking at several pain points of mine:
Use more two-way communication, less one-way communication. I tend to instill my views and ideas in my children, without giving them the space and time to refute them, but the children almost never do it.
Affirm the child more and deny the child less. I often deny my child's practices and behaviors and have no confidence in my child.
The mother's worst problem is "apathy". Because I am not satisfied with my child, I often do not give my child a good look, do not want to talk to my child, and even if I walk side by side, it is far away.
I also listened to the concept of Jiwa, a teacher of Tsinghua Dr. Zhao Yukun, and found that many mistakes in the past led to the child's problem not being solved, but made the parent-child relationship tense.
The child's sense of autonomy is insufficient. Like to correct the child, condescending to guide the child, without paying attention to the child's inner needs.
The child's sense of competence is false. Excessive rewards and praise for children do not make children really feel that they are improving, but we unilaterally think that children are improving.
The child's sense of connection is lacking. Give the child too much without letting the child realize his own value and the meaning of his existence
In addition, I also read several books, such as "You will do it, the child will realize" and "I wish my parents had read this book".
The first book made me realize the limitations of my abilities, lack of communication skills, lack of timely use of the power of role models to encourage children, and my shortcomings limited the advancement of parent-child relationships.
The second book taught me that judging a child's performance, ignoring a child's feelings, and interfering with a child's behavior will push a child to the opposite side.
Through multi-channel learning, I deeply realized that the root cause of poor parent-child relationship is not that children are rebellious and disobedient, but the responsibility of parents, which needs to be reflected and improved.
Reflect holistically
Armed with basic theory, I thought of a lot of de facto mistakes, these mistakes, and see if you have ever made them?
My son wants to go to school, but I think of the fact that when he was in junior high school, he was always dragging and dragging, he didn't want to be mad anymore, and he wanted to spend more time taking care of Erbao, and directly refused his request. I didn't ask him to elaborate on his feelings, as well as his plans and ideas for the future. After he was rejected, he had to ask the teacher to help convince me.
I hope my son gets up at 5:30 and goes out before 6 o'clock, if my son can't do it, I will knock on the door to urge him to get up, and on the road I will complain to him" So late, the road is stuck in traffic, I can't go, tomorrow I must go early!" "I didn't hear back, and I had to ask again and again." The result was even later the next day than the previous day, from 6:00 to 6:15.
My son slept very late at night, and I was not calm, from time to time to investigate whether he slept, if he found that he did not sleep, he would knock on the door and tell him, "Go to bed early, or you can't get up tomorrow." As a result, the more I slept, the more I slept, and I didn't take my words as the wind at all.
My son's room was a mess, reminding him to "clean up the room quickly, it's so messy that I can't get off my feet." But the room was as chaotic as ever, help him clean up, he was not happy, it was useless to be anxious.
My son always buys things, so I am very angry and often warn him to "don't buy", but I find that I buy more and more things, the amount is getting bigger and bigger, and I am really wanted to cry without tears.
......
In short, in the past, I always denied the child, urged the child, ordered the child, rejected the child, managed too widely, let the child lack self-confidence, the mood was not happy, and always worked against me.
Strive to improve
Since he found out that he had made a mistake, he quickly corrected it, and his son's smile reappeared on his face. Although some problems have not been completely solved, it is also very content to see that the child has a good state.
Replace negative information with positive information. For a while I was depressed, I encountered a lot of unhappy things, such as the elderly getting sick, not working well, etc., and I would tell my children these bad news almost every day. Later, I figured it out that the child himself was already under great pressure, and he could no longer bear the pain of adulthood and increase the psychological burden.
So I changed it to trying to find something happy every day and share the joy with him. For example, the old man's illness has a glimmer of hope, a certain platform has been rewarded, the younger brother has a cute thing, and so on.
Replace negative language with positive language. Try to find the child's shining point, or look at the problem from another angle, and give him praise and encouragement in time. For example, the English teacher congratulated him on entering the ranks of the best, the Chinese teacher praised him for writing homework seriously, the physical process evaluation scored a full score, the geography teacher was very optimistic about him, the purchase of things was returned twice to explain excellence, the morning was up early, the work speed was fast, the diet began to be balanced, and so on.
Replace urging with quiet waiting. In the morning, he was no longer urged to get up early, but was ready to wait for him quietly, and he was not late in the morning. At night, he is no longer forced to sleep, but he goes to sleep at ease, and he will go to bed at 11 o'clock most of the time. When eating, he is given a separate meal to let him concentrate on doing his own things, but he hears us eating, and he will take the initiative to come out to eat.
Replace nagging with goal reminders. When I'm at home on weekends and holidays, I don't nag when I see him playing or not writing homework. It's just that when he relaxes, when he goes out to play, he will emphasize his future goals and tell him what to do to achieve them. He had his own plan, and he would start studying before going to school, and I joked, "My son has a good mentality and is efficient in learning."
Replace counting with asking, listening, and understanding. When my son buys something, I don't directly tell him that he can't buy it, but I will ask him why he bought it, and he will explain why. I told him about the current state of the economy, that he would have planning and moderation. When you really like it, you will sell things that you don't use and don't like, and then buy some new things to come back to research.
In this process, I have done the company, respect, understanding and affirmation, giving him positive energy, giving him a sense of autonomy and competence. When he does things, he is not driven by external forces, but by internal forces. Therefore, his mood has become very happy, and the parent-child relationship is no longer tense.
epilogue
In general, when there is a problem with the parent-child relationship, we should not be busy complaining and blaming the child, but first learn some theoretical knowledge, reflect on their own behavior and practices in the process of learning and learning, and then make targeted improvements, and get along in a way that we and the child feel comfortable with, the parent-child relationship will definitely be well improved, and the child's problems will be gradually solved.
I'm @Gelma Goku
Mother of two boys, more than 10 years of parenting experience
Accompany children to read, English enlightenment, science enlightenment
Share parenting insights and land parenting dry goods
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