When educating children, do you often use this method of education:
Find that the child is grinding, and then criticize and deny the child grinding, asking the child not to grind;
Find that the child's mind is wandering, and then criticize and deny the child's wandering, asking the child not to lose his mind;
Found that always play mobile phone, and then criticize and deny the child playing mobile phone, asking him to put down the mobile phone to learn;
……
Is that how you stare at your child's shortcomings and then see the problem and want to correct the child immediately?
I call this kind of education that focuses on the shortcomings of children and always wants to correct the problems of children immediately called negative education.
If you use this way of education, then you are doomed to fail to educate your children, because you look at the problem too simply, and the way to solve the problem is too simple and direct.
Why negative education cannot correct a child's mistakes
A serious mistake of negative education is to look at children's problems in isolation.
Their understanding of children is too simple, or their understanding of the world is too simple, and they look at the problem on the surface and cannot see the essence of the problem.
The problems manifested in the child are the result of the combined action of various internal factors, and when parents only look at the external results and only want to correct this result, but do not change it from a deep level, it is doomed to fail in education.
Take the problem of grinding, this is not a separate problem, there are many factors caused, such as children do not have a concept of time, and then for example, children have no motivation, this is caused by many factors, but when parents only stare at the child's performance of the grinding, and criticize and deny the child, ask the child to correct the grinding, does not touch the essence of the problem, how can the child correct the problem?
The child is not a building block, all the shortcomings or advantages are not one by one inserted into the child, but the result of interconnection and interaction, and finally show a certain shortcoming or advantage.
But when parents look at their children's problems in isolation, they take it for granted that the advantages are the advantages, the disadvantages are the disadvantages, which are all independent, and then what they want to insert into the child, what modules they want to correct, what kind of modules are cut from the child, this cognition is completely wrong.
Not recognizing this problem means that the parent's education does not touch the essence of the problem, and of course it is doomed to fail to correct the child's problem.
Not only that, but this wrong view can also lead to parents rushing to achieve quick success and lose patience with their children.
Because when parents educate their children with this educational concept, they will simplify the problem.
Also taking the grinding as an example, they look at the grinding in isolation and feel that they only need to remove the grinding module from the child. Of course, from their theoretical point of view, it is very simple to unplug a grinding module, as long as it is unplugged at once, everything will be fine, without such a grinding module, the child will certainly not ink. Therefore, parents will think that it is very simple for their children to change the grinding problem, as long as they do not ink it.
But obviously this view is wrong, the child's grinding is the result of a combination of factors, not a separate module, if you want to unplug it, you can unplug it. Therefore, to correct the grinding, it is necessary to adjust in many ways, and eventually avoid the child's grinding. It's a long process, step by step adjustment, grinding less and less, and eventually it is possible not to ink.
But parents do not recognize this, they will only feel that the child does not change, how to emphasize the child is not corrected, then it will lose patience with the child, will criticize and accuse the child.
This is the problem of the concept of negative education, looking at the child's problem in isolation, not being able to dig deep into the reasons behind the behavior, and always wanting to correct the child's problem immediately.
Summary
Children are a whole, not an independent behavior or strengths and weaknesses are spliced together, all their external behaviors are the result of the combination of internal + external factors.
Understanding this, you will naturally no longer criticize and blame the child, because you will realize that the problem is not that you can change the two sentences of criticism and accusation, but you need to help the child to make systematic changes from the inside to the outside, so that eventually the child will naturally correct the mistake.
And this is the essence of our affirmative parenting philosophy.