Can't succeed, or don't dare to succeed?

In life, there is often such a strange phenomenon, some people are usually very capable, and their learning is also very good, but they drop the chain at a critical moment. The most typical manifestation is exam anxiety. This tends to happen to children who are usually doing well academically.

In response to exams, we will more or less experience nervous anxiety, which is a common phenomenon. However, some students usually have good academic performance and master the knowledge points, but they cannot control themselves when they are about to repeat various accidents, resulting in the final examination.

One of my cousins, who studied particularly well, was a typical school bully, and was in the top three in the class. But every time he took a test above this level like the final exam, he would get a nosebleed. The most painful thing is that when he went to college, he directly overturned, everyone thought that he was the material of the key undergraduate, and as a result, his math score in the college entrance examination was the first time he failed since he was in high school.

The most I heard was that his parents said to others, "The child is just nervous, there is no way." "Before, I thought it was because he wanted to do well in the exam and caused his own nervousness. Later, I understood that this was the unconscious hypnosis of the parents. Nervousness is nothing more than the child's identification with the subconscious wishes of the parents.

Swiss psychologist Verena Castel says that important anxiety stems mostly from relationships. We sometimes feel that our child is anxious and stressed about exams because he cares about the results of the exams. In fact, it is the children who are anxious about their relationship with their parents, and what they are worried about is not getting the approval of their parents.

On the one hand, it is worried that the grades are not good and make the parents unhappy, so anxiety arises.

On the other hand, it is the child who captures the separation anxiety of the parents. Subconsciously, parents are worried that their children's grades are too good and will go far away. When children can fly far and high, parents have to face the reality of gradual separation from their children. Therefore, parents who do not deal with their own anxiety will project their inner conflicts onto their children, hoping for their children to succeed while restricting their children to success through various unconscious behaviors.

Comparing children with other people's children is one of the common manifestations of parental unconscious behavior.

The classic line is: "Everyone else can do it, why can't you do it?" "After 99 points on the test, there are still a hundred points; a hundred points, and a grade ranking; finally the child gets the first place in the grade, and don't be proud." In short, it is to let the child know that you are always not good enough.

On a conscious level, we would say in order not to make our children proud. However, the information received by the child will feel that he will never be as good as other people's children in the eyes of his parents, and the child will lack a sense of security. Just as we shop around when we buy something, comparing means that we don't want anything that's not good enough. Children who are compared will have a fear of being abandoned by their parents at any time.

Comparing children is often accompanied by negativity.

Heard a story. The son who was in elementary school handed the math test paper to his father, and the father was very happy to see the score, and the son scored 98 points. Then, the father asked his son, "How many points did the highest score in the class score score?" The son said: "This exam is not difficult, and several students in the class have scored full marks." Dad said, "Then you still mean to show me the test paper, this question is so simple how wrong." I'm not telling you to be serious about your usual problems.... The child slowly lowered his head.

A situation like this not only negates the child's current feelings, but also directly negates the child's ability to learn. There is also a mantra that we are very familiar with: "If you don't study hard, you will go to ask for food later." "This can lead to children always being in a state of fear and anxiety to learn." When the results are not ideal one day, the child will have a lot of psychological pressure, and if he does not carry it over, he will be depressed, or he will look for short-sightedness.

If you want to learn with such a state, how can the learning effect be played well? Even if the child is talented and studies hard, he will feel that he is always in a state of not being good enough. Even if he achieves excellent results, it is difficult for him to experience the joy of learning and the joy of success, because grades are just a dose of anxiety for him.

Being compared and denied for a long time will cause children to have an existential anxiety. Even if he has achieved worldly achievements, he cannot truly enjoy himself, and he needs to constantly prove his worth. Otherwise, one's own existence seems meaningless. Success, on the contrary, has become their endless hell.

However, more children may not even have the motivation to prove themselves.

Because of the fear of their children making the wrong choice, some parents never give their children the right to choose, or even make choices on behalf of their children. For example, what books to read, what classmates can be contacted, and even what clothes you want to buy and wear, you must also follow the aesthetic standards of your parents.

When the child has no choice, he will lose the ability to exercise autonomy and the opportunity to learn judgment. In the long run, children will be easy to form a personality without opinion and hesitation, which will also make children more and more unconfident and more and more inferior. From this point of view, parents have firmly tied their children to their side, children can not go to the wider world, parents do not have to face the anxiety of separation from their children.

Complaining about children is a secret way for parents to control their children. The more typical manifestations are: one of the parents in the family is absent, and the other party clings to the child, complains to the child, and complains about his life. Some parents also show self-sacrifice for their children by giving up their lives, jobs, and hobbies. All of this will make the child feel guilty.

In the end, the child becomes a "little adult", becomes the emotional caregiver of the parents, and takes on things that should not belong to them. Therefore, whenever the child wants to grow, wants to choose and try independently, the parents will create pain for themselves, carry out emotional violence against the child, make the child feel guilty, let the child automatically give up his choice, and conform to the parents' arrangement.

A mother used to say to her daughter: "You can do whatever you want, don't ask me." The hidden meaning behind this sentence is "You'd better not do that." ”

Every time the mother said this, the daughter had to honestly do what her mother wanted. Because if you don't do what your mother says, your mother will be very painful, and your mother's pain seems to be saying: My pain is all caused by you, I have endured so much pain for you, you can't give me any more trouble.

This will make the child feel heavy and do not know what to do. Even if a child is capable and talented, he does not dare to let himself go wider and farther on the road of growth.

All diseases originate from undifferentiated.

If the boundaries of parents are not clear, the child's personality will not grow. When a child will not be recognized no matter what he does, the child will not have the motivation to succeed. Or, when he wants to succeed, he will unconsciously trip himself up.

A classmate shared his story.

When he was playing with his phone at home during the holidays, his father said to him, "Why are you playing with your phone again?" When he was reading at home, his father said to him, "You still know to read!" When he stayed at home on the weekend, dad said to him, "I'm bored at home all day." When he was about to go out, Dad said to him, "I know how to go out all day long." "He felt like he was at home, and nothing was affirmed.

For a while, he studied hard and took the first place in the class in a mock exam. He took the report card home to show his father, and the father said softly, What luck have you walked?! After that, in various examinations, there were always two voices fighting in his heart. A voice said: We must try to get a good score and prove it to my father; a voice says: Forget it, no matter how hard you try, it is useless.

Therefore, as soon as the child arrives at the exam, his heart begins to conflict and fight, and when he wants to get good grades and when he wants to succeed, he begins to drop the chain. Moreover, once successful, this is still the credit of the parents, all of which are achieved under the spur of the parents, and have nothing to do with their own efforts.

If a person is in this state, he may not dare to succeed. Because success at this time is "being successful." The more successful you are, the more you lose yourself. Children may develop self-destruction and self-harm in order to find themselves.

Even if this child relies on talent and hard work to break through layers of obstacles and achieve success in the worldly sense, his sadness and powerlessness at the personality level make him unable to taste the joy of success and the beauty of life. Because his success is nothing more than the fulfillment of others with a life of only one time.

Parents want to become a dragon.

Parents do their best to achieve this goal. Sadly, we don't have the means and go farther and farther. The reason for this is both the lack of understanding of the child's growth and the lack of awareness of their own anxiety.

So, what kind of child dares to succeed?

My new book, "What Kind of Children Dare to Succeed", was published by Tsinghua University and recommended by Teacher Zeng Qifeng. I hope that the content of this book will help you understand the laws of your child's growth. Because children are at different ages, the content of psychological development is different, and the environment we want to provide for children is also different. At the same time, I hope to bring some inspiration to your awareness of yourself. Understand your own inner conflicts, reduce the bondage to your children, make yourself a relaxed parent, and let your children bloom their lives.