Positive Discipline Reading Note 12: Help children use mistakes as opportunities to learn

There is a deep-seated notion in our culture that only by being punished can we change and become better.

Positive discipline advocates that only when the child feels better, he has more internal motivation to do better.

Punishment, focusing on the past, makes the child pay for the mistakes of his or her actions.

Look for solutions to problems, focus on the future, and let the children do better in the future.

Focusing on problem solving is using mistakes as opportunities to learn, teaching children life skills, and providing opportunities for children to develop their perception of self-ability.

The main thrust of the focus on solving the problem is: What is the problem? What is the solution?

First we need to find the problem, ask the child what happened, and let them know what the problem is. Then brainstorm with your child, guide your child to come up with as many solutions as possible, and then choose one of those solutions.

The solution is for parents to let go and give their children a full opportunity to show their ability to solve problems. Instead of parents telling their children what to do.

There are four principles (3R1H) regarding problem solving:

1. Related

2. Respectful

3. Reasonable

4. Helpful

The 3R1H principle, which focuses on solving problems, is very similar to the 4 R principles of logical consequences.

The first three Rs are exactly the same and differ from the last H.

The logical consequence emphasizes that the child is known in advance what will happen if he chooses this behavior, and he emphasizes taking responsibility for his own behavior.

Focus on solving problems, with an emphasis on helping children find solutions to problems, so that they know how to respond when similar situations arise later.

Like what

The child is very good with his neighbor's child, but they play together, and there are often some conflicts, sometimes fighting.

This makes the mother very worried, one is to hope that the children will solve the problem in a civilized way, and the other is afraid that rude behavior will hurt the child.

So the mother made an agreement with the two children, if there is a conflict and hands-on behavior, they can't play together, so they go back to their respective homes.

When the children clashed, the mother kindly separated the children, took her own children to the room first, and asked the neighbor's children to sit in the living room and wait, and then called the mother of the neighbor's children to pick up the boy.

This is a very appropriate logical consequence, without any element of humiliation and disrespect, and fully in line with the 4R principle of logical consequence.

The logical consequences solve the problem of the moment very well, but in the future, when the children play together, do they learn how to solve the conflict in a civilized way?

When the conflict recurs, the children still only know the original behavior habits, and when they finally can't help it, they may still do it.

In fact, the mother can wait for her child to calm down and ask what happened at that time? What kind of situation occurred that caused the two to fight? What is the solution?

Guide your child to come up with as many solutions as possible, and then ask your child which one they would most like to use. In this way, the next time there is a conflict, the child will know how to resolve the conflict in a civilized way.

You can even wait for the neighbor's child to play again, and invite him to brainstorm the solution to the conflict

This focuses on solving problems. Of course, children may not be able to use it successfully at the first time, and it is difficult for adults to do it. At this time, what the child needs is encouragement, and he can certainly learn from the experience in the behavior.

"Logical consequences" and "focus on solving problems" are not in conflict and can sometimes be used together.