Girlfriends often find me to complain recently, her son is reading the third year of junior high school, from the second semester of junior high school, suddenly feel that a child has changed, become particularly emotional fluctuations, inexplicably irritable, do not like to talk to parents, as soon as she comes home, close the door, make her careful at home as if walking on thin ice, afraid of which sentence will step on the thunder; recently it is more staged not to go to school drama, the whole family staged "action movies", but scolding is not effective at all, in fact, the situation in my girlfriend's home is not a case, the family with adolescent children, Talking about the word adolescence, almost talking about tiger discoloration, group anxiety. How to live in harmony with adolescent children, how to understand them to support them, and to help children through this most confused and difficult period of life? I recommend her book:
The book "Decoding Adolescence" points out that children are constantly growing, and in the parent-child relationship, parents are the ones who need to grow and change the most. Written by Josie. Sip, an American emotional inspirational expert who was orphaned from childhood, was once very rebellious, and was his adoptive father Rodney, who led him to the light and became an adolescent research expert who lectured at Harvard and Cambridge. Through his own growth experience, he helps parents learn how to be a good parent-child coach, live in harmony with adolescent children, and guide them to grow up healthily. Here, I would like to share with you the code of three ways to change your thinking.
01 Transform the mindset of adolescent children who don't need companionship
Parents always think that adolescent children do not talk to us, lock the room when they go home, quarrel when they communicate, and the child does not need parents, in fact, it is not. In the book, the author tells that he grew up in an orphanage, when he grew up to a certain age, he was adopted by a foster family, and he lacked a sense of security from a young age, using repeated disasters to prove that adults do not love themselves at all, constantly testing adults' patience with doing bad things, and therefore frequently changing foster families. When he came to Rodney's house, tried a lot of "old ways" and still did not get evicted, and finally he was detained by the police before he reached the age of driving without a license, he thought that this time he would be abandoned in this place full of violence and homelessness, he called his adoptive father Rodney, he actually came, and said to him, tomorrow morning I will bail you, but tonight you need to reflect here. The next morning, Josie, who had spent the night in fear and uneasiness, waited for Rodney, who had kept his promise, and said to him lovingly, "You see yourself as a trouble, but we see you as an opportunity." Rodney's promise and words deeply touched Josie, and at the same time, this night was the responsibility he needed to take on his actions. Since then, Josie has established a relationship of trust with Rodney, and according to Rodney's guidance, step by step to the light. Every adolescent child is an opportunity for the family, would you like to be the "Rossini" of your own child? Since entering puberty, the rapid growth of the body, the fluctuation of hormone levels, physiological changes, and the germination of the opposite sex have made the children confused about these sudden changes, physiologically like an adult, but psychologically still a child, they do not know who to say to when they encounter bullying, do not know who to tell by teachers and classmates, how much they hope to have a person they can trust, no matter how they will understand them, respect them, tell them how to go when they encounter forks in the road? Their hearts desperately desire someone to truly love them, care about them, and be willing to spend time on themselves.
Therefore, the first thinking that parents want to change is that it is not that children do not need parents when they grow up, on the contrary, they need their understanding, tolerance, support and guidance more than ever.
02 Rebuild the relationship of trust with your child
Rodney and Josie's relationship of trust was re-established by "causing trouble" again and again but not being kicked out of the house, and still keeping his promise when he was detained, and did not dislike himself as a "trouble". Maybe our children are not so "bad", they are only occasionally naughty, occasionally "out of control", but the academic performance does not meet the expectations of the parents, but the parents continue to nag, criticize, blame every day, slowly, they think that I am just the learning machine of my parents, they do not really love me as a person. So how exactly do you rebuild your relationship of trust?
First of all, there is a fixed exclusive parent-child time with the child, such as a fixed Saturday is a family parent-child time day, this day, put down the mobile phone, put down the work, put down all the "big things", concentrate on accompanying the child, the boy can accompany the sports, it is best to be physical confrontation, such as basketball, football, in the confrontation to increase the opportunity of physical contact while cultivating the boy's strength and courage; girls can watch the show, go shopping and watch movies, etc.; or the whole family discusses social hotspots together, and the child hosts and looks for topics every week Respect your child's point of view, encourage them to express their ideas, and positively affirm their thinking, energy, and active participation.
Secondly, every day the child goes home, parents try not to open their mouths to talk about learning, but ask the child more about the situation in school, how the mood is, especially whether there is bullying, I believe that "Young You" everyone has seen it, and finally destroyed so many children's school violence problems, behind every family, there is a lack of parental companionship and real love for children, whether the bully or the bully, parents are more concerned about school. The above exclusive parent-child time and heartfelt attention need to be adhered to in order to dispel the child's concern that the parents are just "changing new tricks", so that the children can see that the parents are really willing to change for themselves, and are really willing to pay time and love.
I believe that through the above efforts, the parent-child relationship will be repaired, and the parents' language will become more and more weighty.
03 Change control to coaching guidance
There is an analogy in the book that when the child is young, every parent is a traffic controller, you can go here, you can't go there, this can be done, that can't be done, disobedience, is reprimanded or even fat beaten. When children do not have enough strength to resist, they can only endure. Once you enter puberty, the sudden increase in height and weight, increase a lot of "security", parents' scolding control is no longer easy to use, coupled with the previous article, we mentioned that the loss of trust in parents, it becomes "serious rebellion", at this time parents need to change the way of guidance, from traffic controllers to children's life coaches.
What do coaches usually do? Understand the characteristics of each player, develop a personalized training plan according to the characteristics of the player, and develop a team-wide combat plan. Repeated training before the game, timely review after the game, and in the game, it is fully handed over to the players, because the coach cannot replace the players in the game. Then it is also used on children. When the child has to face some unknown thing, all the parent has to do is tell the child about the problems that may occur, good and bad, and at the same time, take the child to more simulations. For example, the child needs to go to summer camp alone for a period of time, before going out, tell the child what things can not be done, which may cause danger, at the same time, work with the child in advance to make travel plans, discuss and practice who the child will ask for help when he encounters problems, etc. During the journey, it is up to the children to decide for themselves and enjoy the process of summer camp; after the children return, they review the observations and news in the summer camp with the children, and look for guidance that can give the children the direction of values and give the children the guidance of growth.
Being a coaching parent is far easier than a controlling parent, but this process requires a shift in parents from thinking to acting, and the unity of body and mind.
You can control the child, or help them grow, but you can't have both, I believe that parents who have read this book are willing to strive to become the "Rodney" of their children's vitality, become a wise coaching parent, improve the family relationship full of gunpowder, give parents a calm and elegant middle-aged life, and give their children a positive direction for life growth.