These four "invisible violence" are the root cause of children's rebellion and disobedience
Author: The main creative group
I once saw such a news and had mixed feelings.
A 16-year-old girl in Qingdao met a male netizen through a dating app.
Less than a week after the exchange, the male netizen invited her to Changzhou to play together, she didn't think about it, and she didn't even know who the other party was, so she decided to go to the appointment.
When my parents heard about it, they firmly objected.
Helplessly, the girl made up her mind, directly blackened her parents, and quietly set off alone while the night was dark.
When the police received the report and found her, she did not realize the seriousness of the problem, and she ignored her words and spoke in a cold tone.
Seeing what happened between her and her parents, it was really unimaginable:
How ruthless a girl who is about to become an adult should be determined to block her parents and choose outsiders who have never even met or understood.
Some people may jump out and accuse her of being ignorant and rebellious and disobedient.
But, is it entirely her fault?
Professor Li Meijin hit the nail on the head in "Round Table School": "Any performance of a child is basically the education level of the parents. ”
Many times, the willfulness, rebellion, and indifference exposed by adolescent children can always be glimpsed from his family education.
Children are the effect, parents are the cause.
The "rebellion" of 90% of children is nothing more than a misreading
Just imagine, a child smokes, lies, tips anchors, lets others pretend to be his father to see the teacher, fights with classmates, bullies his younger brother, is it the "rebellious" child in the mouth of his parents?
After all, he can't do everything well, and he still works against his parents, often angering his parents and not making people worry.
But what are the facts?
The hit drama "Come on! Mother", the "scholar" Xiaofu, who has been knowledgeable and well-behaved since childhood, seems to have completely changed overnight.
In the past, he listened to what his mother said, and he studied very hard.
But seeing that his parents were focusing all their attention on his frail and sickly brother, and only asked him to study well, he began to protest.
Deliberately skipped cram school, arbitrarily used the pocket money given by his mother to brush the live broadcast tip, and bumped into his mother.
The test results were not satisfactory, and he was provoked by his classmates for a few words, so angry that he threw away the other party's book directly.
He went to the bookstore to steal books, and was found by the boss and sent to the police station, the boss remembered that he was young and well-behaved, and wanted to give him a chance to rehabilitate.
And he has an arrogant look of "I just don't apologize", he just wants to spend money to solve it, and he doesn't want to admit that he is wrong.
This kind of performance makes the mother really puzzled: his son, why is it like this? It doesn't work at all, and it can't be managed.
It wasn't until Xiaofu burned family portraits at home and accidentally caused a fire that everyone realized:
It turns out that he is not a rebel, he is eager to be noticed, and he does not want his parents to only care about his younger brother, but he can also see him more.
In "Decoding Adolescence", the author combined his "rebellious" adolescent experience and wrote this sentence:
"When a child keeps pushing his parents away, provoking his parents, and constantly doing this test, he actually wants to see if his parents love him."
No matter how old a child is or what stage he is at, the most important thing for him is always whether his parents can see him.
It's just that parents are too accustomed to using their own methods and standards, using "listening or disobedience" to judge whether their children are "rebellious".
As a result, inadvertently, the child was put on a "false" hat.
"Invisible violence" without wounds is pushing away the child with his own hands
For most parents, in the matter of "loving children", they are second, and no one is first.
Everything is for the sake of the child, the child is anxious when there is a problem, as long as it can be solved with money, it will not be easily shirked.
But some education, not hitting or scolding, but bring more harm to the child, push the child farther and farther, and make the child more unwilling to get close.
A reader wrote to Professor Chen Mo for help, hoping to get a trick to "save" his rebellious son:
My son had just entered the first year of junior high school and refused to listen to anything.
Tell him to "hurry up and do your homework", he says "it has nothing to do with you";
Telling him to "put your clothes on", he said "I'm very hot";
He also closed the door tightly and hung a sign that said "Do not disturb."
Seeing that his son likes to get together, afraid that he will make bad students, remind him to "spend more time with excellent classmates", and his son does not listen.
In desperation, I had to ask my husband for help, hoping to take care of my son to make him obedient.
But when my husband came back, he beat him up, and as a result, his son's attitude became worse, and the parent-child relationship became more and more tense.
Faced with the mother's confusion and worry, Professor Chen Mo analyzed:
Adolescent children are in a period of rebellion, when education is most avoided using imperative language.
Because they instinctively want to grow up, and growing up is to decide their own business and not let others command them.
When he hears orders from others, he feels that he is suppressing his growth, and he will only resist and disgust, and even deal with parental discipline in a more negative way.
Not all "love" education can really touch the child's heart.
Some ways are already out of place in the process of children growing into "little adults" and need to be adjusted in time.
If you still regard your child as a little baby who "knows nothing and knows nothing", restricts him and controls him, the child must learn to resist.
Don't forget that the child's problems always have the necessity of his growth.
The so-called "rebellion" is just a necessary stage for him to move towards a more independent self.
If parents do not understand this, the education is wrong, which really worsens the problem and ruins the child's growth.
Rejecting these 4 "invisible violence", there is no rebellion in adolescence
The famous parenting expert Steve Vidalf wrote this story in "Raising Girls":
When the girl Genevieve was 15 years old, she received a date invitation to a boy she liked.
Because I don't know how to face it, I take the initiative to express my confusion and feelings to my mother: the other party wants to further develop and what should I do.
When my mother heard this, she did not panic or point at her, but tried to control the situation and guide her:
"It sounds like you're not ready to have sex with each other, and you don't want your relationship to go into this state yet?"
Knowing that she was a little worried and apprehensive that she always rejected the other party, her mother accompanied her to discuss how to let the other person understand her feelings and hopes.
In her mother's opinion, although she was emotionally not allowed to fall into a safe and uncontrolled situation at such a young age, she also understood her desire to maintain a friendship with the opposite sex, so she has been cautious and properly handled her troubles.
Soon after, she realized the boy's evil intentions and decisively broke up.
In this way, one of the most likely problems in adolescence in children to erupt was quietly solved.
For children, what is needed is the respect, acceptance and guidance of parents, not simple and crude self-righteousness.
If you want to help children smoothly through adolescence and reduce "rebellion", parents must constantly adjust themselves and reject these 4 "invisible violence".
1. Full of reason
It is not difficult to find out after getting along with children more, as long as parents begin to reason and nag, children will shrug their heads, look disdainful, and cover their ears and refuse to listen.
The big truth really does not play a role in adolescent children, and even causes disgust.
This is the "overrun effect" in psychology.
When the child is stimulated too much, too strongly, or for too long, he will have an extremely impatient or rebellious response and just want to escape.
So don't think about ways to nag your child, the more reason, the more likely it is to crush the child's heart.
2. Always say "It's all for you"
Once, Dr. Dong Jinyu, an expert in parent-child education, asked parents attending the lecture on the spot, and found that more than 90% had said to their children "it's all for you".
He said that when parents say such a sentence, the child's pressure will be great, and the inner guilt will be strong.
Because behind "all for you" is the parents' expectations and requirements for their children, if the child does not meet, he will blame himself, and even self-harm and suicide.
So don't use such conditions to kidnap the growth of children.
Since you love your child, please accept your child's choice, let him have more freedom and ease, do what he wants to do, and choose the path he wants to take.
3. A high-minded posture
"P.E.T Parent Effectiveness Training" says: "Parents have authority is not a problem, using authority is a problem." ”
When many parents face their children, they always feel that they eat more salt than their children, so they have more right to speak, and their children should be obedient and obedient.
However, commanding, picking, reprimanding, questioning, and completely ignoring the child's feelings will only make the child unwilling to communicate.
A good parent-child relationship should be when parents lower their posture and keep the same frequency with their children.
Equality, respect, and building relationships with children like friends can promote an emotional connection with children.
4. Get used to blowing
Fan Chengjin, a 33-year-old girl from "Psychological Interview", has been eating at home for 10 years after graduating from college and is reluctant to go out.
The cause of her problem is related to her parents' percussive education since childhood.
She likes to draw, and her parents will only criticize her, "What's the use, is it useful?" Read a book and go! ”
Accidentally putting too much water in cooking, and the parents splitting their heads and covering their faces is a blame.
The inferiority was so low that I couldn't speak, and my parents still sneered, "I'll kneel for you when you do something in the future."
Remember that crackdown is not education, and harshness does not equal harshness.
What can really bless children and bring change and renewal to children is the affirmation and encouragement of parents.
The Chinese Academy of Education has done a survey: which family factors have a greater impact on children's performance?
The results showed that the more positive the parents' emotions, the higher the proportion of children with excellent grades.
Many top school families do not "force" their children to study just by beating their children's blood.
It is more about starting with parents, constantly improving themselves, maintaining emotional peace, and setting an example for children to see.
As the famous educator Cai Yuanpei said:
"What determines a child's life is not academic performance, but sound personality cultivation.
In order to cultivate a sound personality in children, the first thing parents need to do is to change the tone and way of speaking. ”
Some words are meaningless and helpful to the child, never say to the child.
Only by constantly nourishing the child with kind, gentle, encouraging and compassionate words as he grows up can he truly benefit him for the rest of his life.
And children, in the first ten years before leaving their parents to go to the future, will love their parents, be close to their parents, and become the glory of their parents.