Many parents like to do everything for their children, believing that this is "for the good of their children", but they do not know that the most important thing in parenting is to let their children have the right to make their own decisions.
Author | First peach
Recently, my friend "asked for help" from me, saying that my 9-year-old son had become a "wooden man" and was mentally weak and listless.
I used to be very proactive in everything, but now I don't even play my favorite football.
In the final exam, I suddenly fell from the top five of the original class to the countdown.
My friend sighed vigorously:
"The plan I arranged for him every day is scientific and reasonable, and his grades should not regress!"
Indeed, friends are especially good at making to-do lists for their sons.
Once I went to her house for dinner, just for one meal, my friend arranged 3 to-do lists for my son:
15 minutes to finish dinner;
Recite words for 15 minutes while standing after meals;
After memorizing the words, prepare the blue outfit that will be worn tomorrow...
Every short while, friends remind and urge their son.
The little boy said nothing, lowered his head, and completed one task after another.
At that moment, I was distressed and stuffed.
All the time is arranged by the parents, and everything is chosen by the parents.
And the only thing the child needs to do is to complete the plan set by the parents.
Former Stanford freshman college dean Julie Leescot named this phenomenon "checklist education," which refers to parents making all decisions for their children, and children can follow them.
This kind of education seems orderly and scientifically sound, as if completing all the lists can reach the pinnacle of life.
But in fact, checklist education not only deprives children of their right to choose, but also sucks away their souls.
How many children
Live as a matchmaker for your parents
Qi Mingyue in the TV series "In the Name of the Family" is a proper "child of other people's families": excellent grades, well-behaved and courteous.
But her excellence was "manipulated" by her mother.
Since childhood, mothers have made a lot of to-do lists for their daughter's life:
Have a good relationship with the first place in the class;
Pajamas must be bought pink, not black, white and gray;
The hairstyle should be clean and neat, and you should not wear fancy hair accessories...
Once had dinner with Li Jianjian's three siblings, everyone talked about the third year of high school planning, Qi Mingyue's mother said with a smile:
"My family will be admitted to China University of Political Science and Law after tomorrow, and she wants to be a lawyer."
Li Jianjian was very surprised, and asked privately: "I didn't even know you wanted to be a lawyer!" ”
Qi Mingyue said discouraged and helpless: "I didn't even know that I wanted to be a lawyer. ”
Image source: Web
It turned out that her real dream was to become a journalist, and becoming a lawyer was just her mother's wish.
Qi Mingyue, who has been deprived of choice for a long time, has slowly grown into a person who can't even order dishes.
Guo Lingyun, a Chinese doctor at Peking University, once said:
"Behind a student who lacks choice, there is an overly inclusive parent."
It is precisely because of the excessive arrangement of parents that the child gradually lives as a doll for his parents: his parents point east, and he does not dare to go west; His parents said south, but he did not dare to go north.
A high school classmate comes to mind.
At that time, everyone was living at the school, but the classmate's mother specially helped him apply for day school.
In order to plan his son's living and eating in detail, so that he can have no distractions in his studies and go all out.
His grades are really good, but he is not very popular.
When eating lunch in the cafeteria, he always finished it in a hurry and did not chat with us, because "my mother said that she would have to read for half an hour after eating";
After physical education class, everyone met to buy soda at the commissary, but he said, "My mother said you can't drink soda, you can only drink milk." ”
In this way, everyone slowly moved away from this "good baby" who was arranged by his mother.
I once saw a sentence on the Internet:
"The child is not a matchmaking doll for his parents, he is a person with a soul and a mind."
However, many parents ask their children to follow the route planned by their parents to the destination they expect under the banner of being good for their children.
But that road is not what the child wants to take at all; And that destination is never what children want to go.
Children who are scheduled to grow up
Eventually you will lose yourself
There is a topic on Zhihu: "How sad is a life that is deprived of the right to choose by parents?" ”
There is a high-praise message in the comment area: When I became an adult, I found that I lost my choice and lost myself.
It turned out that everything that this netizen had grown up was clearly arranged by his parents - "Even 'poop once a day, eight times' was included in my mother's schedule."
After netizens graduated and joined the work, their lives began to decline.
When the leader assigns tasks, he doesn't know where to start, because he is used to having someone arrange everything for him;
Responsible for organizing team building, but before departure, he has not yet decided on accommodation and routes, because others have helped him plan before...
After two years, everyone who joined him was promoted, raised, and even became his boss, but he remained at the grassroots level and was scrutinized.
Several subsequent relationships also ended in failure, and the reasons for the ex-girlfriends to break up were nothing more than "unassertive" and "very boring".
"I'm not happy at all, I don't know who I am."
Every word, you can feel the frustration and powerlessness of netizens.
A study by the University of London in the United Kingdom found that children who are under parental control for a long time can cause lifelong damage, grow up with poor independence, strong dependence, and lower happiness regardless of the stage.
In fact, in addition to the low happiness index, children who have no choice for a long time will be like birds with folded wings, often falling into confusion.
I remember a girl in the university dormitory who came in with a high score, and I thought she was excellent in everything.
I never thought that she slept until three o'clock every day, and we always asked us to wake her up and go to class;
Every day after class, she doesn't know what to do except finish her homework.
Later, I learned that it turned out that for the past 18 years, she had "survived" in her mother's arrangement.
So after leaving home, she became very confused for a while, not knowing what her goal in life was.
There is a quote in the "respective pilgrimage roads":
The greatest sadness of people is to walk on the road in confusion and see no hope ahead.
Children who have been deprived of the right to choose by their parents are such a group of confused people who do not know what the real ideal in their hearts is, and even if they do, they cannot stride on the field of their hopes.
Children can only be confused in depression and lose themselves in confusion.
Children are wildflowers that grow wantonly
Instead of potted plants that need to be carefully pruned
The TED Talk "How to Raise Successful Children Without Over-discipline" has this idea:
Our children should be wildflowers, the unnamed kind; Not potted plants that require careful pruning by parents.
Image source: Bilibili Video
Because children need to live what they like, not what their parents want.
So, how exactly do you do it? Here are 3 tips for parents.
1. Directing potential, not prescripting direction
It has been said that the most successful parents are the parents who are the best at observation.
On the road of children's growth, what parents need to do is never to help their children show the way, but to guide them to the path that suits them best by observing their children's characteristics.
The famous cartoonist Cai Zhizhong loved to scribble on the wall when he was a child.
In that era of insufficient food, the average family had long scolded their children.
But Cai's mother did not stop it, but bought a brush with the saved living expenses.
Later, when he was in junior high school, Cai Zhizhong proposed to drop out of school and paint full-time, and Cai's mother readily agreed.
This is why there is the current master of Chinese comics Cai Zhizhong.
Darwin proposed in the theory of evolution that every life has individual differences.
What we need to do as parents is to quietly observe our children, look for traits, and channel potential.
2. Allow trial and error, not denial
I have seen a questionnaire: Why do parents like to make decisions for their children?
90% of the answers were the same: because parents are afraid that their children will choose the wrong one and delay their lives.
But sometimes, mistakes are the beginning of right.
Taiwanese educator Lai Nianhua once said in an interview:
"I'm thankful to my dad for allowing me to change, allowing me to change tracks, and that's where I am today."
Image source: Tencent Video
It turned out that Lai Nianhua initially thought that she liked art, so her father always supported her and sent her to France for further study.
After returning to China, Lai Nianhua, who became an art teacher, suddenly found that this job was not what he really liked, nor was it what he was best at.
So she began to study psychology and became a well-known contemporary educator, helping many children through expressive art therapy.
She always believed that allowing her to try and make mistakes was the best gift her father could give her.
Because only by knowing which path is wrong can you find the right way.
3. Lower expectations, not be overly anxious
Many educators have pointed out that the biggest problem of modern parents is excessive anxiety.
Because of anxiety, I want to do my best to plan everything for my child and decide everything well, so that my child can avoid detours.
But such anxiety will only bring stress to the child, and only by lowering expectations can the child grow better.
He Lingfeng is a person who does not have much requirements and expectations for children.
My daughter scored 59 points in the fourth grade and was very frustrated.
But He Lingfeng did not have the slightest reproach, but said gently to his daughter:
"When you grow up and go to work, no one will care that you have scored 59 in elementary school."
It was in this "low expectation" that the daughter grew up to be a free and happy person and now studies the manga she loves in Japan.
"No requirements" for children is the greatest wisdom of parents.
Because of the stress-free environment, children can reach their maximum potential.
Saw a sentence:
"It is the parents who make the decisions; But it is the child who bears the responsibility in the end. ”
How sad.
It is undeniable that parents who make decisions for their children must have the original intention of love, but that is shallow love.
And the deeper love is to return the choice to the child.
Everyone's path is made by themselves, not planned.
Let go and let children choose their own lives, this is the most important choice parents should make.
Finally, may every child have the right to choose and embrace a happy life.