1
When I first met Miss Su, who was in her forties, although I could feel the haggardness and anxiety on her face, it was still difficult to hide her shrewdness and ability.
She is a private entrepreneur who runs a business with an annual output value of more than 100 million yuan and an annual profit of more than 10 million yuan. He is a middle-level cadre in a public institution, and their only son, who is nineteen years old, is studying abroad at university.
After listening to the consultation settings, Ms. Su introduced the basic situation of their family to me.
Ms. Su has a bachelor's degree, grew up in a well-off family of four, and has an older brother, who is three years older than her. She and her husband were high school classmates, although they were not in the same city during college, they maintained a good relationship by telephone, communication and occasional meetings, and after graduating from university, they met to come to Guangzhou together to develop, so it was logical to get married and have children. The family of three lives a life that is not rich, but stable and peaceful.
A month ago, her husband suddenly told her that he was in love with someone else and wanted to divorce her. Although she had filed for divorce many times before when she was angry, when her husband said that she wanted a divorce, she was shocked and angry!
She had argued, cried, and made trouble, but this time everything didn't work, and he was determined to divorce her. And he moved alone to their other house and began a life of separation from her.
For more than a month, she has been entangled: I am so good, why would he fall in love with others and want to divorce me?
The purpose of her marriage and family counseling is not only to clarify this problem, but also to save her marriage.
2
Of course, she does more, and sometimes her heart is unbalanced, and she will say things like this:
This family is not mine, can't you share some?
You don't do anything in this family, you can't do anything, are you still a man?
Men are nothing remarkable, what you men can do, I can also handle, what you can't do, I can also do...
When her husband suddenly filed for divorce, she cried and asked her husband to give her an explanation, and her husband told her that his inner distress could not be vented and dispelled over the years, and he met a masseuse woman in her 30s during the massage, this woman was understanding and gave him a lot of comfort and support.
Slowly they had feelings for each other, and gradually crossed the bottom line, and he felt more and more that he was a real man only when he was with this woman, and he found himself in love with this massage woman, so he insisted on divorcing her.
With the development of marriage psychological counseling, under the guidance and combing step by step, she constantly stated the problems between them, the whole picture of marriage was gradually revealed, she began to have a more comprehensive understanding of the problem, and the negative emotions of inner fear, sadness, and anger were also effectively released, and the purpose of counseling to repair the marriage was further determined.
At the end of the first consultation, we agreed to:
1. Give Mr. due respect and appropriate space, and no longer check Mr. Qi's communications, QQ records and other personal privacy;
2. Protect the privacy of husband and wife, do not tell people other than husband and wife about the current problems between husband and wife, and save enough face for husband and wife to reconcile with each other in the future;
3. Solve problems between husband and wife, and do not find a third party in any form, so as not to complicate the relationship and contradictions;
Fourth, before the next consultation, husband and wife can care about each other in life, but do not communicate too much, let alone discuss who is right and who is wrong, so as not to fall into entanglement and quarrel and further hurt the feelings of husband and wife;
5. Temporarily maintain a state of separation and give each other room for reflection;
Sixth, this week to consider the following two questions:
1. Did you love your husband before a marital crisis? Love him for what? How do you love him?
2. Do you still love him at the moment? Love him for what? How are you going to love him? What are you going to do if you don't love him?
3
In this consultation, we once again clarified the counseling goals of saving the marriage and winning the marriage defense war.
Miss Su understands that many times marriage is one person, so no matter what you do for your marriage, you don't have to care. Let go of the imbalance of why it was he who made the mistake, but asked me to think about and change; Understand that love is action, and if there is no action of love, all love is just empty talk.
In the discussion, "Does infidelity affect marital stability, or marital problems lead to infidelity?" Later, she became more aware of the problems that existed in her past marriage.
This homework mainly made her think: What are the reasons behind the marriage crisis? What are your responsibilities in marital problems?
In the following consultation, Ms. Su recalled her upbringing and slowly understood the impact of past experiences on her present. When she was a child, she felt that her mother preferred sons to daughters and was very good to her brother, and her brother often bullied her, and she won the love of her parents by studying hard and being admitted to a key university with excellent grades, defeating her brother who had only read junior high school.
Now although she often sponsors her brother, she is also indispensable to preach and accuse on weekdays; She is filial to her parents and gives a lot for them, but she finds that she also has complaints about her parents. She feels that in an intimate relationship, she always tries to say the right thing, do the right thing, strive to do the best, always try her best to give and please others, and afterwards she is unbalanced and will complain a lot.
She felt it seemed like a habitual pattern in her intimate relationships.
As the counseling progressed, Ms. Su slowly let go of the victim mentality and was able to face up to the problems in the marriage.
She wrote a long letter to her husband, expressing her gratitude to her husband for his tolerance and care over the years, and also told her husband that through psychological counseling, she had a new understanding of herself and others, sincerely apologized for the harm caused to him by her words and deeds in the past, and said that she still loved him, his cheating hurt him very much, and hoped that he would end his extramarital affair as soon as possible and work together to rebuild a happy family.
In the letter, she also invited her husband to accompany her to counsel to help her grow and change better, and also hoped to open up each other's hearts with psychological counseling and make the future life more satisfactory.
Seeing the change in his wife, he accompanied his wife to consult soon after. In the consultation room, while using a tissue to help his wife wipe away the tears on her face, Mr. Cheng sincerely said that the marriage has come to now, in the past, he thought that the other party was too strong and domineering, and today he feels that there are many faults in him.
He said that after the marriage went wrong, he did not seek a positive solution, but suppressed, avoided, and finally destroyed the marriage through cheating.
Speaking of which, Mr. sincerely apologized to his wife. The wife also sincerely said her mistake and asked for her forgiveness. In this consultation, both couples expressed their willingness to repair their marriage.
The last time they came over, my husband said that I could now feel the warmth of my family, and I could feel my wife's respect, trust, support and love for me. The wife feels that her husband can now express her thoughts, and she is willing to listen to his opinion, and can feel his care, thoughtfulness and love for her.
She also said that since she learned about her interaction patterns with her relatives, she felt closer to her parents and sister-in-law's family. After the husband and wife communicated smoothly together, they talked to each other more, and they regained their former sweetness, and the current marriage made them feel like a second spring.
Experts in this issue
I heard that Li Jianxue, chief counselor and senior marriage counselor of the psychological counseling center
Li Jianxue
・Hear about it, chief expert of the Psychological Counseling Center
Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
Senior Marriage Counselor
Senior Family Education Instructor
Psychosexual counselor
Senior hypnotist