The word depression, I used to feel very far away from myself.
Occasionally seeing reports of teen depression on the Internet, just muttering in my heart:
Now the living conditions are so good, what do you want.
What's not to like about these kids?
Until one day, my son also because of long-term boredom, under my urging, eventually developed depression.
I have personally witnessed how a teenager is caught in the mire of emotions and how he struggles to survive.
Today, I share this painful experience to see if I can help a family in the same difficult situation as I do.
And as a parent, what can be taken as a warning.
01
It is said that my daughter is my mother's little cotton jacket, but my son is a sweet little warm man from the beginning of his understanding.
Different from the mischievous behavior of ordinary boys, the son is born with a gentle and generous personality, and is willing to think about others from an early age.
Occasionally, when I resist and write my homework well, as long as I lose my temper or show disappointment, my son will quickly obey and obediently correct it.
My personality is more strong, I like to control everything, and I am used to saying one thing at home, but I have a son with a meek personality.
Friends and family said that I had a good life and raised an "angel baby".
I am also very content with my son's performance. In the whole six years of elementary school, I hardly bothered about his studies.
Every day after school, I will study hard, review, write homework, and my academic performance has always been excellent.
I thought that my son would maintain his good character and learning in this way, so that I would always be proud.
Unexpectedly, when I went to the key junior high school, everything gradually changed.
02
At the beginning of the first semester of junior high school, he gradually became stressed and had a smile on his face.
The competitive environment of the master, the heavy academic pressure, and the new school year make the son feel difficult to cope with.
He used to say something negative to me:
Mom, the students in our school are too strong, some have already finished the content of the second year of junior high school, I think I must not be able to pass them.
Every day, just to finish the homework, it will be more than ten o'clock, the attention will not be concentrated, and the teacher will assign additional tasks!
I don't want my son to limit his potential, and I don't like to hear these pessimistic and negative emotions.
Whenever my son told me that he longed for my comfort, I would happily interrupt him:
Everyone is a head, two eyes, why can others be better than you?
Don't make excuses for yourself in advance, the test is not good, it is not as good as others, it can only show that you have not worked hard enough.
Gradually, the son did not mention these words anymore.
The midterm exam results came out, and my son ranked more than 40 in the class, compared with the primary school, it can be said that it has plummeted.
I was surprised, disappointed, incredulous, mixed with all kinds of mixed emotions, and couldn't help but accuse his son: Since I knew that the competition was fierce, why didn't I work hard, how could I get so badly?!
The son said in a low voice that he no longer had the normal ability to learn.
The more you want to do well in the exam, the more you can't learn; the harder you work, the worse your state is, and you feel that you have been depressed.
I let him "do less", he worked harder and harder, and good results on the test was the most important thing, don't think about those meaningless things.
"When is it, the exams are one after another, you don't spend your mind on studying, thinking about these all day long! I will accompany you to learn every day in the future, I don't believe you can't learn well! ”
I began to increase the intensity of urging and preaching, and tried to instill in my son the meaning of studying well.
Almost every day, I was like a non-stop alarm clock, urging and forcing my son to study, criticizing him every day for not spending his mind on studying, forcing him to return to his previous grades as soon as possible.
But then, my son's performance made me have to face up to my own behavior.
03
One night, I suddenly heard an unusual noise coming from my son's room.
I pushed the door in and looked inside, and my son was hysterically shouting out meaningless syllables.
His face was full of tears, his eyes were desperate, and he slammed the bed.
This scene frightened me, and after a sleepless night, I took my son to the hospital the next day.
The final diagnosis: anxiety + depression.
The doctor prescribed some antidepressant medication and told me not to put pressure on the child so that the condition would not worsen.
This sudden diagnosis instantly confused me and made me wake up suddenly.
The news reports about depression in adolescent children make it very clear to me that depressed people hurt themselves and go to the end of the road, often in a single thought.
The child is sick, there must be a reason, there must be something I did wrong, but how do I save the child? I decided to seek professional help to save my son.
In the process of searching for the same encounter, I began to learn and adjust myself, and I finally figured out the real reason for my son's transition from sensible and considerate to school-weary and depressed.
As an outstanding student in the key class of the key junior high school, the son has always been in an academic and stressful environment.
However, successive failed exams increased his son's mental pressure and caused him to have self-doubt.
Due to hormonal influences, the emotional ups and downs of adolescent children are relatively large.
Under the pressure of study and the failure of the exam, the child has accumulated a lot of negative emotions.
But when he confided in me, not only did I not perceive the depression and helplessness in his heart, but instead used the great truth to teach, urge him in various ways, and blindly ask him to work hard.
When learning becomes the sole focus of parents, parent-child communication is like chicken and duck talk.
Children do not feel the love of their parents for themselves, but are only wrapped up in the requirements of their parents.
It seems to be a compromise, but in fact, the heart is full of grievances and despair.
He couldn't do it, but his obedient personality made him feel that everything was his fault, so he felt more and more guilty.
In the long run, I finally got depression.
In fact, looking back now, my son had already shown depressive symptoms before he was diagnosed.
But it didn't catch me in, and I didn't think about that at all.
After all, all the way is obedient and sensible, who would have thought that such a child would suffer from depression!
Now, what can I do to turn it all around?
The teacher told me that the deep cause of the problem is that the child is asking for help, but the parents are asking for help.
Then, on the contrary, in the face of adolescent children, parents should first start from demanding themselves and changing themselves, create a warm and loving family, and then influence and drive children to adjust together and get back on track.
04
1. Change the mode of communication and improve the tolerance of children
Learning to communicate respectfully and rationally is a key step in dealing with adolescent children.
Adolescent children, self-conscious, but also highly sensitive, face-loving.
Therefore, when communicating, parents should abandon habitual nagging, preaching and accusations.
This is the most resistant thing in the hearts of adolescent children.
If you still treat them as children, reprimand them incessantly, and even aggressively belittle the children and force them to admit their mistakes, this is tantamount to giving the child ten thousand points of critical blows inside.
Control your emotions and talk to the point.
I remembered my daily conversation pattern with my son.
He confided, and I was not accustomed to it, and began to preach and accuse; he defended, and I was even more angry, and intensified the reprimand.
Over time, my son not only closed his heart to me, but also despaired of seeking support and encouragement.
Such a child, who has no opportunity to express his inner emotions at all, how can he maintain mental health and be positive?
2. Understand the child and become his firm supporter
In the process of constant reflection, I remembered one thing.
It was one of the few, fierce clashes between my son and I over our studies.
Under my step-by-step and harsh accusations, he angrily tore up the test paper, and the psychological defense line completely collapsed.
Although later, my son, who calmed down, quickly apologized to me, and I accepted his apology "calmly".
In my eyes, staring at my son writing homework and opening my mouth to discipline him a few words is "deserved".
Because I was "for his good".
But I couldn't see, at that moment, that my son's inner inferiority and grievances.
The stress of adolescent children is multifaceted, but we tend to ignore those factors outside of learning and grades.
Therefore, as parents, we should let go of the condescending nurturer and giver mentality.
You must be able to see the inner turmoil in your children and become their staunch supporters.
In this way, in the process of continuous learning, I reflect on my own way of education, and I also subtly change my influence on my son.
And the change of my son made me find that in fact, adolescent children do not want much.
As long as their emotions can be respected and their ideas can be heard, they will be satisfied!
Being accepted and affirmed unconditionally is the most important thing for adolescent children.
I began to try to listen to my son and express my appreciation and affection for him.
In the in-depth communication again and again, I heard the true voice of my son, and also saw the pain he endured behind his understanding and obedience.
The son said that since he was a child, he hoped that he could satisfy his parents, so he has been working hard to live as his parents like.
But the new environment and the huge pressure made him gradually overwhelmed.
"It was a kind of torture, every morning when I got up, I thought that if I didn't improve my grades, I would fail my parents' expectations, but my state was poor, my psychological pressure was high, I couldn't learn, and my grades were a mess."
He tried to force himself to cheer himself up, but made himself more depressed.
Therefore, every night is very difficult for her, after all, when she wakes up, she has to face a situation that he cannot solve.
It wasn't until that night that I discovered the scene of his collapse.
In this way, I re-established a sincere and harmonious parent-child relationship with my son, I continued to learn, grow and improve, and my son got better day by day.
The heart is redeemed, the emotions are understood, and the son gradually regains the motivation to learn and devotes himself to a serious and positive state of learning.
But what was different from before was that this time, he was not forced to work hard under my urging, but after being understood and respected, he was enterprising from the heart.
In this process, the teacher of the training camp used his profound psychological skills and parent-child education knowledge to give me tailor-made guidance.
In the process of learning and growing up, I am deeply aware that parents who understand psychology and pedagogy are likely to change their children's lives.
Finally, please pay attention to me, I will continue to share the educational stories and dry goods knowledge of adolescent children