Author | Maple
Recently, I saw the experience of psychology professor He Lingfeng being called a parent, and I was deeply touched.
His daughter made a math problem wrong 4 times, and the teacher called him to the school to criticize:
"Is it all about education to our school teachers?" "Did you check your homework before signing?" "Check it and you can make mistakes 4 times, how do you do parents!"
A psychology professor, but he was trained like a primary school student, and He Lingfeng was in a very bad mood.
But when he got home, he did not get angry, did not accuse, but calmly finished eating, and then slowly communicated with his daughter.
Why not train your daughter?
He Lingfeng explains:
The most important thing as a parent is to maintain a good parent-child relationship, and I can't destroy my relationship with my daughter for a math problem.
His daughter scored 59 points, and he patiently taught; when his daughter got into trouble, he never blushed; his daughter liked to play games, so he went to buy some cards.
The father and daughter are like good friends, and there are endless topics to talk about every day.
"The most important thing for me is to maintain a relationship with my daughter," he said. ”
Yes, the key and core of raising a daughter is to establish a good parent-child relationship with the daughter.
As the book Raising Girls points out:
In the journey of your daughter's growth, how you relate to your children is much more important than what you do to your children.
The parent-child relationship is not good,
All education equals zero
Not long ago, the daughter's class held a parent-teacher meeting and talked about various issues in education:
Children don't love to learn, indulge in games all day, keep their mobile phones in hand, become more rebellious the more they manage, lie and skip class, and can't say three words to their parents every day...
The inability to educate makes me think deeply: Why do we give everything but still can't teach children?
Psychological counselor Liu Na once pointed out:
A child's various manifestations are projections of his inner world.
A child's inner world is a reflection of his relationship.
The relationship in which a child is located is mainly his relationship with his parents.
In other words, behind the problem of children's behavior, there is a high probability that it is a problem of parent-child relationship.
When the parent-child relationship is broken and the child's emotions have nowhere to be placed, even if the parents are reasonable and the education is appropriate, the child will only listen to the inner feelings.
Especially for girls, because the girl's brain is more focused on communication and interpersonal communication, the most important and favorite information for girls is the relational category.
Coupled with the early development of the pillow lobe responsible for receiving and processing sensory information, the girl's emotions are delicate and sensitive, and it is easy to pay attention to the words and deeds of her parents, and it is also easier to produce small emotions.
Remembering Xinyan in "The Boy Who Opened Her Heart", she was left in her hometown when she was 1 year old, and was not taken back to live with her parents until she was 8 years old.
She was bullied at school and would rather suffer alone than turn to her parents;
Her mother wants her to lose weight and have a healthy body, but she feels that her mother hates her;
Her parents tried their best to accompany her, but she thought that her parents only cared about her studies;
Her mother's bitter words, she can't listen to a word, she only thinks that her mother is annoying and manages too much.
On the one hand, there are parents who are trying to educate, and on the other hand, there is a daughter who is eager for psychological companionship, and the lack of relationships has separated them into two worlds.
In fact, education is the impact.
Without smoothing out the "relationship", all efforts are in vain.
Your relationship with your daughter,
It determines her relationship with the whole world
Psychology once compared the relationship between parents and children to a spider's web, a solid web can hold up a spider,
Let it not be afraid of the wind and rain of the world.
But if the net is unstable, the child's world will also fluctuate with the wind and rain.
The growth of the daughter is even more so, the father is the daughter's lifelong strength, and the mother is the daughter's fate in life.
The relationship between parents and daughters will be projected onto the way daughters get along with the world, affecting their daughters' behavior habits, thinking patterns, and emotional processing, and finally manifested in three aspects:
1, the temperature of interpersonal communication
In "Young You", Wei Lai's father, because she failed the college entrance examination, did not speak to her for a whole year.
The mother, on the other hand, is an exquisite egoist, focusing only on whether she can bring glory.
In order to vent his dissatisfaction with his parents, Wei Lai projected his inner evil onto his classmates.
She was coldly violent at home, and at school she was coldly violent to others.
How parents treat their daughters today, how they treat others tomorrow.
The attitude of parents towards their daughters is the temperature of their daughter's future world.
2, the direction of character development
Pianist Kong Xiangdong divorced when his daughter was 4 years old, and for a long time, the father and daughter were separated.
Although he could not accompany his daughter, he sent emails every day and recorded some videos of himself to her.
Later, he studied medicine for his daughter; in seven or eight years, he browsed and studied hundreds of thousands of apps, just to have more common language with his daughter.
Also because of his attentive companionship, the father-daughter relationship is deep, the daughter has never been inferior because of a single-parent family, and has grown up to be particularly confident and cheerful, and generous.
The personality patterns of girls when they grow up are all reproductions of the interaction with their parents when they are young.
You give her sunshine, she will be positive in the future, you give her a blow, she will be passive and sensitive in the future.
3. The health of intimate relationships in the future
Teacher Fan Deng once told a case, the girl's conditions are very good in all aspects, but her feelings are always caught in a love triangle, which makes her very painful.
It turned out that when she was a child, her mother always accused, criticized, and even yelled at her: "Why don't you die?" ”
When a girl grows up without deeply experiencing happiness, ease, and pampering, she will take the familiar, difficult path.
If you don't want your daughter to take a detour in the future, you must give her a little more "sweetness" and let her taste the most beautiful love in the world.
When she grows up, she will not be touched by the little kindness of others to her.
Good parent-child relationship,
It is the daughter's most solid backing
Recently revisited the book "Raising Daughters", the story of Cathy and Gina in the book is a lament.
They were all smart and good, confident and sunny. But after middle school, I embarked on two different paths.
When Cathy was 14 years old, she was violated by her senior in an accident.
She was angry and helpless, but in order to cover up her vulnerability, she gave herself up, promiscuous, and drunk, and her grades were at the bottom.
For 3 years, she endured all the pain, helplessness, and suffering alone, but she was always reluctant to ask her parents for help.
Gina fell in love at the age of 15, but her boyfriend obviously only wanted to develop further with her.
Tangled, she turned to her mother for help.
Mom was shocked, but she didn't criticize or preach.
Instead, she quietly limits where and how her daughter can go out, and helps her explore what she should pursue in the moment.
In the end, Gina ended the relationship and focused on learning.
On the surface, the two girls' different life trends lie in whether they communicate with their parents in time, but in fact, the key problem lies in the relationship.
Cathy's parents had been absent from her growth for a long time, and the estrangement from each other made her accustomed to digesting everything on her own.
And Gina's mother is understanding, which makes Gina willing to reveal her heart to her.
The temperature of the parent-child relationship often affects the degree to which the daughter is open to her parents.
Educator Qian Zhiliang once said that a good parent-child relationship requires:
Parents provide high-quality companionship, emotional support to children, attention and help in life and learning, and then respect, trust, and appreciation.
Wanting her daughter to unreservedly confide and rely on herself is by no means enough to simply say "find your parents when things happen".
Only by establishing a channel of emotional communication with their daughters for a long time can parents become the strong backing of their daughters.
Time Magazine once summarized that the five most memorable moments in a child's life for their parents are:
Make your child feel safe
Give your child the moment of full attention
Affirm or criticize the child's moments
Moments with your significant other
Traditional moments inherent in the family
Regardless of money and social status, it is these small and ordinary moments that lay the foundation for our relationship with our daughters.
It determines whether she has enough security and belonging, whether she will heal her childhood all her life, or whether she will be cured by childhood...
From today on, spend more time with your daughter and listen to your daughter!
Give your daughter a little more respect and acceptance, and accompany her daughter to grow up with love for life.
—— End ——
Author: Maple, a multi-platform contracted author, with one hand writing, the other hand parenting, growing up with children. Some of the pictures are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.