Research provides insights on how to encourage true confidence.
Many of the strategies that parents usually use to build their children's self-esteem may encourage narcissism.
Narcissistic children tend to show unrealistic views of themselves, a desire for superiority, and increased sensitivity.
Parents can use several evidence-based strategies to build their child's self-esteem without encouraging narcissism.
Almost every parent wants to raise a child with strong self-esteem and grow up to be a capable and confident adult. However, recent research suggests that some of the ways in which most parents want to raise children with high self-esteem can lead to narcissistic personality traits.
Narcissism is not an official diagnosis of children, but rather personality traits associated with anxiety, depression, and aggression. Narcissistic children can appear to be outgoing, self-absorbed, bold, or shy and withdrawn. Both types of narcissism stem from the fact that children feel particularly important and entitled. Some children who show narcissism in childhood may be diagnosed as adults with narcissistic personality disorder, a disorder characterized by inflated self-awareness, lack of empathy, and interpersonal problems. Research shows that narcissism is not just excessive self-esteem, but a completely different concept.
Understand children's high self-esteem and narcissism
What are the manifestations of narcissism in children? How do parents distinguish between a child's high self-esteem and narcissism?
1. Unrealistic views of yourself. Narcissistic children may not have a clear understanding of themselves. One study found that narcissistic children reported that they were able to complete the puzzle well even if they didn't. On the other hand, children with high self-esteem have a more positive and realistic view of themselves.
2. Desire for superiority. Studies have shown that narcissistic children may want to know that they are better than others. They often compare themselves to others and tend to think they are superior. The study also found that children with high self-esteem seemed more interested in their own achievements and progress than in comparison with others.
3. Sensitivity. Narcissistic children may believe that both their successes and failures are attributed to their own behavior. As a result, when they fail, they often feel ashamed, angry, and aggressive. Children with high self-esteem are able to maintain a positive view of themselves even when they experience failure.
Tips for parents
How can parents cultivate their children's self-esteem without encouraging narcissism?
1. Maintain a realistic view of your child's strengths and weaknesses. Be careful not to overestimate or underestimate their abilities. Parents may promote narcissism by overestimating their children. Studies have shown that parents with narcissistic children think their children are smarter than other children, even if their intelligence levels are average.
2. Be sincere when praising your child and avoid excessive praise. Parents of narcissistic children often use something called "bombasticism," meaning they exaggerate ("This is the prettiest painting I've ever seen!"). Instead of a more honest compliment ("Looks like you're really trying on that painting"). Studies have found that children can tell when their parents overstated or underestimated them, and when they received sincere praise, they were at lower risk of depression and had higher grades.
3. Avoid comparing your child with other children. The study found that parents of narcissistic children tend to be more concerned about their children's social status and may be able to convey better information to their children than others. Instead of comparing your child to other children, compare your child's performance to their own past performance, as research shows that this approach may increase your child's self-esteem without encouraging them to feel superior to others.
4. Focus on effort, effort, and strategy, and see mistakes as learning opportunities. Studies have found that praising children for their hard work, effort, and strategies tends to increase self-esteem and helps make children's self-esteem less dependent on performance fluctuations. In addition, research shows that when parents see mistakes as learning opportunities, children are more likely to believe they have the ability to grow and progress. For these reasons, parents should praise their children based on effort, effort, and strategy ("process praise") and avoid praise associated with fixed traits ("human praise"), such as "You're so smart."
5. Express your unconditional love. Studies have shown that children who exhibit more narcissistic traits are more likely to experience "conditional love" from their parents, meaning they feel that their parents' love depends on whether they are doing what their parents want them to do, while research shows that parents with high children's self-esteem are more likely to express their "unconditional love," meaning they experience stable love that does not change as a result of their child's behavior. Narcissistic children may feel that they are only worthy of their parents' love if they meet their parents' expectations or are "special" .
Unconditional love can also help children reduce feelings of shame after failure. So how do you express unconditional love to your child? When you correct your child's behavior, continue to be warm and loving to them as a person. Regardless of their behavior or performance in school or sports, tell and tell your child that you love and accept them.
It is a natural desire for parents to want to build their children's self-esteem, and parents should not feel guilty for trying to do so. However, by following these evidence-based strategies, parents can encourage their child's self-esteem without encouraging narcissism.