On the morning of February 26, Wei Tianhua (pseudonym), a 21-year-old high school repeat student, texted his mother saying,
I really want to study hard, go to a good university, I hope this wish, the next life can be realized, I love you, the next life, don't be my mother, too tired.
The mother immediately replied that you will always be my good son, you are the pillar of the mother, and I will do my best to support you.
After a few minutes, the mother texted again:
"Mom is honored because you were admitted to the foreign high school, I hope you will also strive to sensationalize a few students around The teacher said, if you study hard, no problem, you are a smart doll."
However, a minute after the text message was sent, the mother received a call from her son's mobile phone, and the police at the police station told her to go for a trip, and the surveillance video showed that Wei Tianhua put her mobile phone and school bag on the Yellow River Bridge of the Qili River and jumped head down into the Yellow River.
Wei Tianhua is the only son in the family, and when his parents divorced in his first year of high school, he lived with his mother. In the face of this tragedy, I believe that my mother is the saddest person in the world.
She must have paid a lot for her son, and the son will say in his last words that he is lucky to meet such a mother, say your kindness, and repay such words in the next life.
She must also love her son very much, and will reply to the words that you will always be my good son after feeling that her son has different emotions.
However, a mother and son who care about each other and love each other deeply are separated forever.
Going back and combing through this conversation, you will find that the problem is not in loving children or not loving children, but in the channels that communicate with each other.
In the child's words, every word is to ask the mother for help, he hopes that the mother can hear his stress, his exhaustion, his vulnerability and his helplessness.
But his mother's words are hoping that he will be motivated and spur him to succeed... These words became the last straw that crushed him.
When the mother ties her ideals to the child's future, does not allow the child to choose, does not tolerate mistakes, and cannot fail the mother, sometimes points to a future that must be sad, because repression will eat the child.
However, the wrong sentence pattern of the mother of the jumping river boy is not uncommon in life.
The mother said that her son was her "pillar" and was "honored" because her son was admitted to the foreign high school. We can't speculate whether this has something to do with her divorce from her husband, such as giving birth to such a thought: I just want to fight for breath, without you, I can also cultivate my son into a talent. Living better is the best revenge for the ex. In the mother's case, the measure of a better life is likely to be fixed on whether the son is "angry" enough.
If a person is too attached to one thing, the advantage is that he will work hard and give it all, but it is also likely to cause a single value and goal. In the eyes of the mother, there is no other possibility, and this pressure not only forces herself, but also makes her son feel oppressed.
Just like Wu Xieyu, a boy in the case of the bully mother of North University that caused a sensation in the country a while ago, although the motive for killing the mother was not finally confirmed, from the information revealed so far, most of them tended to be related to his mother's parenting style, Xie Mother's expectations for her son were very high, the parenting methods and evaluation standards adopted were relatively single, and the mothers were extremely self-disciplined people, resulting in people around them, especially children living under great pressure.
Judging from the final communication between the mother and son of the boy who jumped into the river, the mother has always insisted on "encouragement" and "support". The usual encouragement methods for mothers are to tie their "interests" together, "you are the pillar of the mother", "the mother is honored for you", all of which are from the perspective of the mother, and the child's feelings are completely ignored.
But she may not know that inappropriate encouragement may well be the last straw that overwhelms the child.
Before the child died, he repeatedly said, "It's all my fault, I shouldn't live in this world", in fact, it is this self-denial to alleviate the unbearable pressure.
If someone has told him: No, it is not your fault that the test is not good, not everything can be done by hard work and intentions, and there are many other possibilities in life.
Maybe the tragedy won't happen.
Someone said: "Communicating with people is an eternal theme, and communicating with your own children is a problem." "Especially now that the big exam is approaching, students and parents have entered the first level of combat readiness, the string in their hearts is in a tight state, and they can't find a balance point, which has led to a series of communication problems, and parents and children are miserable."
Parents should not touch these "minefields" when communicating with their children. After a big data survey, the following 10 sentences are often said by parents, but they are "disliked" by test takers. Parents should pay attention!
In addition to the above, there are some words that will also cause your child to be disgusted to a large extent, and see if you often say to your child:
Come on! This is a crucial opportunity for you to do well in the exam.
Don't forget what you say, success is at hand.
Your mock exam is always excellent, everyone is waiting for you to go to Tsinghua Peking University!
This is the turning point of your life, you must grasp it!
Our family is poor, parents are willing to smash pots and sell iron for you to go to college, this time we must fight!
In fact, it is not so difficult to communicate with children, just grasp the two principles.
1. Don't pass on your emotions to your child
Parents should not worry about the sky and bring their own panic to their children. Many parents think of the "middle school entrance examination, college entrance examination", and their hearts are full of anger. Some children originally had very good grades, and they were also full of confidence, but parents were always worried that there would be an accident, and always reminded their children not to "drop the chain at a critical moment", which made the children nervous, resulting in real psychological problems.
In addition, parents should not say absolutely when making requests to their children, leave a way back for their children, do not give pressure, and do not let the children feel that the college entrance examination is a thing that will collapse if the sky is not good.
2. Don't talk about your grades all day
In many families, the child's grade is the "family barometer", and the grade rises in the family is peaceful, but a slight difference will usher in the "rainy day", which undoubtedly increases the psychological pressure of the child.
In fact, the child's performance can not be used as a standard to measure the child, because when the child takes a good test, it may be that the learning state is better in the near future, the review focus is more comprehensive, and the exam mentality is more correct; the exam may be uncomfortable during the exam, the foundation is not solid, and the questions are difficult...
When the child's single subject score declines significantly, parents should communicate with the child in a timely manner, find external reasons and internal factors, motivate the child, rather than reprimand the child, and prevent the child from being bored with school.
I hope that parents can make communication return to nature - "love", you can know more about children, pay more attention to their mood, physical condition, you can also talk about ideals, talk about life, or have time to simply take your children to eat a delicious meal, do not talk about grades, unless they are willing to take the initiative to talk to you, learn things, trust them.
Next, let's take a look at how celebrities communicate with their children.
At that time, Liang Qichao's daughter Liang Sizhuang had just studied abroad, but she could not adapt for a while and failed to enter the university. He wrote a letter to encourage his daughter: "If you fail to enter the university, what is the point, seeking learning is not seeking a diploma, you always have to build the thicker the foundation of the wall, the better." "Examinations are a way to test academic achievements, and in case of setbacks, you just have to keep up and do not have to deny your value.
As parents, the greatest wish for their children is not to have them enter the best universities and achieve great achievements, but to hope that they will live happily and in good health.
Liang Qichao quoted this sentence of Zeng Guofan to teach children to focus on the present, not to think of returns, and to cultivate their own piece of the world, which will naturally have good results.
Fu Cong told his father about the bitterness of studying, and Fu Lei said that it is normal for people to spend their whole lives in highs and lows, but only mediocre people live like stagnant water. Therefore, there is nothing to be ashamed of confiding in parents, children do not spoil their parents, who else can they spoil? Only parents are the harbor for unconditional care and tolerance of them.
I hope that when every child is vulnerable and helpless, he can find care and tolerance in his parents, especially at the key node of the upcoming middle school entrance examination and college entrance examination.
When our parents accept the imperfect and failed child, the child can accept the imperfect and failed self and take the first step to change himself.
When he faces the twists and turns of life, large and small dissatisfaction, thinking that his parents are his way out, and his home is a harbor that can be relied on at any time, he can add a courage in his heart.
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