First, children who can't afford to lose are not beautiful to win
On weekend afternoons, a family of three played "Monopoly", who expected to start happily, but failed.
After lunch, my son complained with some dissatisfaction: "Mom and Dad, why do you like to play with me more and more as I grow up?" ”
The son's soul asked questions, which made us a little ashamed. Indeed, as he grew older, "playing with him" gradually became a "rare thing".
At the moment, my husband and I decided to play a game of Monopoly with our children.
The son was excited and happy, but not long after the start, his mood took a sharp turn. Because of his bad luck, he missed buying urban land, but he kept stepping into the positions of others, losing money again and again, and soon lost bankruptcy.
"This rule is not right!"
"That's not how I play with my classmates!"
The son muttered, and couldn't help but blush, tears swirling in his eyes.
Seeing the state of his son, the husband was very dissatisfied: how old is the child, playing a game can not afford to lose, really useless!
At first, I thought my husband was making a big fuss, but gradually I found that such a thing was not accidental:
Playing poker with grandma, the son used to pick out the big cards in advance, play a round to win a round, win a giggle;
Playing chess with his grandfather, as soon as his son saw that he was about to fall into a situation of losing, he began to play a game of abandonment;
However, when encountering a father who refused to give in at all, his son did not move, and every time he played and lost, almost every time he "started happily and ended unhappily."
I sometimes think that a competitive child is not bad, which shows that he is willing to achieve a good self. But seeing more of his chagrin, regret, sadness, and even anger because of his defeat made me vaguely uneasy.
I later consciously checked books on child psychology, but found that a child who can't afford to lose is often misled by the unintentional education of his parents.
Second, these 3 sentences, parents must not say
The child can't afford to lose, without him, only because he values the result too much. This state of mind, consciously or unconsciously, stems from the influence of parents on their children in their lives.
When the child loses, these 3 sentences, parents must not say. Not only does it not play a comforting role, but it is easy to arouse the child's utilitarian gain and loss of heart, so that the child cannot bear the pain of failure.
1) "No big deal"
"No big deal", parents intend to guide their children to look down on the results, but in fact, this sentence pokes at the child's heart: parents can never understand how important every game is to their children.
I remember once, my son's class organized a paper airplane flying competition.
In order to achieve good results, the son rummaged through the boxes and cabinets to find the origami book, and then looked for a video in the iPad, he folded a lot of paper airplanes of different shapes, test flights, time and time again, and recorded the results again and again. Before the game, he was full of confidence in himself to win.
However, when he came home from school that day, his son was depressed and told me that his paper plane did not even enter the rematch. During the test flight, because he did not master the strength, the paper plane did not fly out much, and immediately fell to the ground. He later competed privately with his classmates who entered the final and won the other side, but the teacher did not agree to let him test fly again.
"It's not fair!" The son was frustrated.
"Isn't it just a paper airplane race, it's not a big deal!" I didn't think so, and pretended to comfort him easily.
This is actually an incorrect sentence.
Looking back today, during that time, my son was trapped in the "mood of the paper airplane" for several days, and whenever a plane flew out of the results, he always couldn't help but run to "report" to me: Mom, this plane can fly longer than our classmate's paper plane!
For the child, the game is not about the size, as long as he pays attention to it, it is very important.
2) "It's all right, next time you will definitely win!" ”
Seeing that children are sad because of failure, parents often give their children encouragement and hope that their children will come out of the emotional trough as soon as possible.
"Don't be sad, next time you will definitely win!"
"You're so good, the champion must be you!"
However, whether it is the parents' unintentional words, or the parents really want their children to be able to reinvigorate, this sentence full of positive energy is tantamount to digging a big hole for the child.
Without actual experience, who can guarantee that the child will win next time? Moreover, this sentence stimulates the child's desire to win even more subconsciously.
3) "It's not your problem, it's really too hard!" ”
Whether it is an exam, a competition, or a game, when the child loses, if the difficulty does exceed the child's current ability, parents must not say when comforting the child and enlightening the child: "This is not your problem, this is indeed too difficult." ”
This comforting word from parents is actually helping children to set aside their responsibilities: failure is not your problem.
Over time, children are accustomed to shirking responsibility, and once they do not achieve satisfactory results, they will only blame the outside world for the reason.
It is worth noting that do not artificially create a challenge for the child beyond ability, when the child suffers too much frustration, his ability to bear will be worse.
Third, how to help children to win beautifully?
Educator Sukhomlinsky once said:
"In a certain moment, when you see the child, you see yourself; you educate the child, that is, you educate yourself and test your personality."
The child is a mirror of the parents, reflecting the level of education of the parents.
How to help children to win beautifully, first of all, parents should adjust their mentality.
In the final analysis, the child's inability to lose is a symptom of parents' excessive attention to the results.
Give rewards when your child is first, give encouragement when your child wins... Parents pay attention to rewards and punishments, and children are accustomed to accepting a reality: that is, to use their own achievements to please parents.
Although the result is very important, parents should pay more attention to the process of children's efforts, guide children to focus on their own level of progress, children feel the joy of hard work, in order to slowly look down on the results of the game.
Second, parents should help their children straighten out their emotions when they fail.
No one in this world has ever liked to accept failure, adults, and children even more so.
When a child fails, if they are sullen and unhappy, if they lose their temper because of failure, parents, please understand the child's mood. Don't force your child not to cry because you feel like you can't afford to lose, and let them hold their emotions back.
This kind of suppression will only make the child more unable to get out of his depressed mood, thinking that his own failure has led to his parents not loving himself.
At this moment, what parents should do is to help their children understand their emotions, guide their children to vent their emotions reasonably, and tell their children in an empathetic way that in fact, parents understand you.
At this moment, or give the child a hug, it can calm their sad hearts, inject confidence and strength into their hearts, and let the children have greater courage to face the greater challenges in the future.
Again, let the child lose a few more times.
Children can't afford to lose, and in essence, their willpower is not strong enough, and they experience too few failures.
Although I don't approve of artificially frustrating my children, there is a good way to take my children to sports competitions.
There are rules in sports events that can stimulate children's resilience in the form of sports. Parents should not worry, children are already very fragile, and they will be even more unbearable in sports competitions.
The variety show "Don't Underestimate Me" once invited 12 ordinary families, 12 pampered urban children and children of the same age in martial arts schools to exercise PK.
There is no doubt that all those present felt that honest children would lose and cry. Even the parents of these children, before the game began, they were already vaguely worried.
There is a father who worries that his son will blame himself for failing, and there is no need for his child to experience setbacks prematurely.
In fact, the child's performance surprised the parents.
In the game that outsiders seemed to be a must-lose game, the petite babes in these cities showed performances that surprised all experts.
The little boy, who was so worried about his father, tripped as soon as he appeared in the relay race. But instead of crying, he immediately got up and continued to rush forward. In the end, he maintained a slim lead to win.
Even, in the 2nd round of the circle attack, this child was obviously not an opponent and was pushed out of the circle several times. But even so, the child still did not give up, and his strong tenacity surprised the father at the scene.
Although the child eventually lost, the child was a little sad, but he did not fail to lose. Sport has inspired him to experience confrontation and then inspire the unknown other side! They are becoming more and more resistant and stronger!
Children are not as fragile as parents think, and sportsmanship will allow children to find ways to face wins and losses and relieve stress.
Sometimes you lose, sometimes you win, sometimes you sow, sometimes you reap. The child is like that seed, and the parents cultivate it with love, waiting for the flower to finally bloom.
I am a Nuo mom, focusing on parent-child growth research, talking about parenting dry goods, writing parenting tips, paying attention to me, growing up together and improving ah~