Recently delayed the brushing of the drama, and watched the divine drama "The Beginning" in one breath.
Although the plot is very exciting, when I saw Ludy and her mother appear, a suffocating breath came over me.
In the play, Ludy is a child who is controlled by his mother and has never been respected.
Because of asthma, his mother did not allow him to keep cats.
Every time he found him playing with cats, he scolded him and secretly read his diary to find out his whereabouts.
Finally, one day, Ludy broke out:
"Growing up, I listened to doctors, insisted on taking medicine, and didn't participate in strenuous exercise." "Growing up to now, I don't have a single friend!" "You keep me in the house every day!"
Think about this kind of parent-child relationship, it is strange that it is so good.
In fact, this is also a true portrayal of many Chinese families.
Parents who do it themselves have broken their hearts for their children.
But often this kind of love without a sense of boundaries pushes the child farther and farther away.
This reminds me of a video.
In a violin class, a little girl skillfully plays the violin, but the teacher always feels that something is wrong.
It turned out that the little girl was very nervous and restrained the whole time.
Allowing the teacher to do everything in her power to tease her, the little girl could not squeeze out a smile from beginning to end.
After the performance, the teacher realized that everything was because the girl's mother had been watching her anxiously offstage.
So the teacher walked over to the mother and said:
The more anxious the mother's gaze, the greater the burden felt on the child, and it is easy to be afraid of hands and feet.
These children, who are "overly concerned" by their parents, are afraid of the disappointed eyes of others from an early age, and they live too heavy to become themselves lightly.
When they are separated from their parents, they choose to hide or suffer in silence no matter what they encounter.
It may even affect the work, and it will be due to the excessive pursuit of so-called "perfection" and not to disappoint others, and the thinking is afraid of the hands and feet, and finally it will evolve into procrastination.
Morally, such an adult child will feel that he should be grateful, but he cannot completely ignore his heart, coupled with the aura of "good parents" on the outside world, and may be troubled by it for the rest of his life.
In this self-contradiction, they will not deny their parents, but will only turn to self-aggression. 、
They will label themselves and deny their abilities more easily than other peers.
They can't even be themselves.
So, are parents wrong to care about their children?
Apparently not.
In fact, this kind of so-called "care" is a projection of parents' anxiety about their children's future.
We always hope that our children will find a specialty that will make them stand out among all sentient beings.
We want our children to stay behind at every critical point in their lives, because we have changed our fate or have some regrets.
But an anxious parent is difficult to love to fill the child.
Because, man, you can't give something you don't have.
The excessive expectations and anxieties conveyed by parents will spread rapidly like a virus in the child's body, and eventually the child will "get sick".
Teacher Yin Jianli once said: "On the bottom line of safety, we must allow children to do everything he wants to do, give him the greatest space for activities, and the most opportunities to explore." ”
But it is not to let parents ignore their children, compared to the children's limited life experience, the handling of problems is inevitably biased.
Let's try the following two points:
First, don't overstate the importance of success.
When they see that their children are gifted in some way, many parents like to set certain goals for their children, but in fact, this will only increase the pressure on their children. It's best to send some words of encouragement and not to exaggerate the importance of success.
Let the child know: as long as you love what you love and do your best, you can have a clear conscience. Take the initiative to unload the burden on the children, so that they can lighten up on the battlefield of life.
Second, when children encounter problems, what is needed is to soothe their emotions.
When your child encounters a problem, don't blame it or expand it. Real care is to consider the other person's feelings, find a way to take care of each other's feelings to make the other party feel better, and this should be more true for children.
Only when the child's negative emotions are dissolved in you can you have the motivation to continue to connect with us, so that our love with the child can be positively circulated.
Finally, I would like to send a passage from Lu Xun that the meaning of the existence of parents is not to give children a comfortable and prosperous life. But when you think of your parents, your heart will be full of strength, you will feel warm, so that you have the courage and ability to overcome difficulties, and thus get the true joy and freedom of life. Above all, encouraged together.