Roar, it could be reincarnation. Family reincarnation.
Children who grow up in roaring when they are young will also yell at their own children when they grow up.
Just as we feel that our parents are stubborn, we are stubbornly carrying out the verbal violence we received as children against the next generation.
Awareness of the past, stepping out of the past, and changing the way of education in the present can be ended.
1
There is a mother who shares in the circle of friends: "The biological is the biological!" One second I was just murdered by me, and the next second I was calling my mother in my arms. ”
Children always forgive their parents so easily.
If you murder a colleague or other relative, it will not take a while, it will definitely be a bad relationship.
Some have turned against each other because of this.
Maybe it's because it's so easy to get forgiveness from your child. Therefore, many parents feel that it is okay to yell at their children.
But if you know what the child is thinking after being yelled at, then you must be able to control yourself before the next outbreak, because although a roar can make the child quiet down immediately, the harm caused to the child is beyond imagination.
My girlfriend's child had just started the second grade of elementary school, and she told me that since the child went to school, she felt that her temper was much worse:
The child lay in bed in the morning, urged twice to get up, and then roared; the child did homework slowly, made mistakes, and had poor test scores, and couldn't help but roar.
Because there was no learning pressure before, no matter whether the child was slow or lazy, he didn't care too much, but after going to school, the pressure was great, and he didn't urge it.
But every time A roar, looking at the child's shy, pitiful look is painful, and the roar is more, the child will bow his head and cry and do not speak, and the girlfriend finds that the child and his relationship is gradually estranged, there is nothing to say to himself, the previous intimate little cotton jacket is gone, the girlfriend is very panicked.
One day, because of the toy, she yelled at the child again, and the child was very aggrieved and slipped into the arms of the grandmother, crying and saying, "I don't like this mother anymore, you take me away." ”
The child's words stung her like a needle!
The child's growth must have such and such problems, but the impatient self has deeply hurt the child with "roar", and the child is not stupid, not lazy, not naughty, but sometimes has his own ideas of one kind or another, why use "roar" to solve it?
2
Yelling at children, although it is a matter of one or two sentences, will make children feel that they have made a big mistake, will seriously hit the enthusiasm of children, and will hurt the harmonious parent-child relationship. And the more serious problems are not those on the surface, but in the future, lurking in the child's heart.
A friend who does child counseling said to me:
The child's personality and psychological trauma basically come from childhood, but more from the parents, from the discordant parent-child relationship.
Searching for the keyword "verbal violence of parents" on Zhihu, I found that many self-narrators who grew up in their parents' "roaring" education environment either harbored fear and did not know what crazy actions their parents would make next; or they were afraid of their heads and tails, and they could not be interested in anything.
Some self-narrators write:
"I know that my mother's language violence is terrible, but what is even more terrible is that I find that I have subtly learned her language habits, and when I am unconscious, I will also bring emotions into words, and every word is hurting people. I knew that going on like this would only push my loved one farther and farther away, but I couldn't control myself. ”
So I gradually closed the window in my heart, tried to comfort myself when I was sad, wrote a diary, shopped, and rewarded myself with good food.
I began to be silent in front of my family, trying to escape to a place outside of home, and remembering that if I was lucky enough to start a family in the future, I had to take care of him and not let the same sadness happen to my own children. ”
"It's normal to look outside, to be grumpy at home, and they can never speak in a gentle tone.
Inferiority and sensitivity, others can stab me with every word, moody, very defensive about others, as long as the people who have hurt me, never want to approach me again. ”
Obviously, it is the yelling and scolding of parents that makes the parent-child relationship almost irreparable.
Words are not a light wind, it is powerful, it has temperature.
It can make the child feel the warmth of spring, and it can also put the child in the bone-chilling winter, like a knife hurting the child, and the roar is the knife.
For parents, yelling may only be a matter of 1 minute, but for children, the harm can last a lifetime. Dr. Montessori said that every character defect is caused by some kind of mistreatment experienced in early childhood. Psychology also believes that any kind of mental illness, tracing back to the source, is a childhood trauma.
Children who have been living under the "roar" education for a long time are like the little penguin in the classic German picture book "The Mother Who Yells When You Are Angry".
It is frightened by the roar of its parents, and its heart is full of fear and insecurity, although it wants to open its mouth to express its voice and needs, but it is worried that no one will listen.
Over time, you can only avoid harm by "not talking".
Those children who do not speak after being yelled at are prone to form these kinds of personalities:
Indecisive and unconfident;
Cowardly, unsinkable;
Withdrawn personality, not good at communicating and handling interpersonal relationships.
More importantly, these children are generally insecure, have an instinctive rejection of family affection, and do not know how to get along with their families in the parent-child relationship.
3
The depth of love, the depth of responsibility. No parent can avoid yelling at the child, if the child "does not cry and scold", we should be vigilant.
What should be done to "rescue" the injured child?
Put down your body and go to comfort the frightened child
Although we all say that we should be a loving mother and love each other with our children, in parent-child education, if we are not careful, we will be in a plastic mother-child (mother-daughter) relationship.
Once we've yelled out your child, remember to give yourself a few minutes to ease up, and when your mood has calmed down, crouch down, try to hug your child, and tell him:
"Although your mother yelled at you, your mother's love for you did not diminish at all, and next time, your mother will try to control her emotions." 」
Guide your child to express emotions
Emotions are energetic, parents yell at their children, what is passed on to their children is negative energy, and the child is projected by negative energy, feels fear, and resists this energy with "not speaking".
But in fact, many children do not have the ability to digest negative energy, and not speaking for a long time will only let negative energy accumulate in their hearts.
When the injury is formed, parents must remedy it afterwards.
Calmly guide the child to say the true thoughts in his heart, teach the child to learn to express emotions, dispel emotions, and solemnly guarantee to the child that this is just an emotional exchange, not a correction of right and wrong.
Accept your own imperfections, and accept your child's imperfections
Everyone has a "perfect child" living in their hearts, and we try to educate our children according to this standard, so that he can live and grow up the way he thinks he is. Yelling at children is actually a kind of disapproval of parents towards themselves.
In fact, every child is unique, he can only be himself, not our copy, and it is impossible to grow into what his parents want.
No matter who it is, it is difficult to deal with other unpleasant things when you are emotionally irritable, and when you are in a bad mood and face your child's "unruliness", parents will inevitably deal with the problem simply and rudely.
But parents should be aware that it is inevitable to encounter unpleasantness in work and life, and it is necessary to find a suitable outlet for this unpleasantness, and do not let innocent children bear your negative emotions. Accept the imperfect self, and accept the imperfection of the child.
Here are some specific suggestions:
1, before going home every day, say your negative emotions, and realize that these negative emotions are the first step to controlling your temper.
2, if you encounter a child doing something wrong, you must present your own psychological activities. For example: "Baby, you deliberately broke the cup, and Mom/Dad is angry right now."
Because you have to spend money on cups later, your behavior causes extra expenses in the family, so Mom/Dad thinks it's wrong for you to do it. And so on, both to calm down during the narrative process and to communicate with the child.
3. Try to find an outlet and solution for these negative emotions.
Adults usually feel better after venting their emotions. Therefore, when we recognize that we have negative emotions, we can vent them in a healthy way such as running and doing housework, and when sanity returns, we can consider how to deal with it.
4. When you are very angry, count 30 seconds in your mind before you start speaking.
If your emotions have not been dealt with to solve the child's problem, you can be honest but try to gently tell the child that "I am in a bad mood now, may scold you and make you sad, I don't want this to happen, so let's be quiet for 10 minutes together." ”
There is a word in psychology called the "South Wind Effect":
North wind and south wind than might,
See who can take off their coats from pedestrians.
The north wind blew out a biting cold wind,
Pedestrians are afraid of the cold, so they wrap their coats tightly;
And the south wind blew out a soft breeze,
The pedestrian felt very warm and unbuttoned his coat.
The same is true for educating children: please use the gentleness of spring wind and rain to moisten things in silence!
Give him love, give him strength, give him confidence, and you will find that although the south wind is soft and weak, it can turn into soft fingers and let the child dance in the wind!
Disclaimer: [We respect originality. Text and picture material, the copyright belongs to the original author. Some articles can not be contacted with the original author for various reasons when pushing, if it involves copyright issues, please contact the original author to delete it, we only share it, not for commercial purposes. 】