Teach children to manage their emotions, life will be gentle to them, and they can be good stewards of their lives.
Author | Coke Mom
Some time ago, the old man told us to go home for dinner.
Originally it was a family reunion day, but the cousin was blue in the face and sat alone on the balcony weeping.
It turned out that since the little nephew went to junior high school, he had become more and more rebellious, and just now his cousin told him not to sit and play with his mobile phone all the time and talk to everyone.
I didn't expect a simple sentence, but suddenly let my nephew explode.
After impatiently saying "you leave me alone," he slammed the door in front of the family and left.
Seeing me coming, my cousin cried to me emotionally:
"This kid really hasn't been saved.
Three days of two ends in the school fight, last week in the physical education class a classmate accidentally bumped into him, he actually beat people out of the concussion, the school said to expel him, I begged how many people changed to stay in school probation.
But you see, does he have a little bit of the way he knows he's wrong? ”
Unexpectedly, at this time, the cousin loudly reprimanded the cousin:
"Do you mean to nag?"
How many times have I told you that it is useless to reason with this bunny cub.
He just fought less, you see how I went home today to clean him up! ”
My cousin could only shake her head at me helplessly:
"Look at these two grandfathers, a mold carved out of the violent temper ..."
At that moment, i suddenly thought of a word:
heredity.
In fact, the most important thing a child inherits from his parents is never the appearance or iq, but the ability to manage emotions.
Some time ago, I saw a group of photos:
A father was about to punch his young child when the child reached out in fear to block it.
Years later, however, the child who waited for the slap to fall became another violent father.
A little girl accidentally knocked something over.
When her mother saw this, she immediately yelled at her, frightening her so much that she could only cover her ears with her hands.
But later, when the girl became a mother and saw that the child had made a mistake, her first reaction was to roar.
In the bedroom, a father was looking at his son coldly.
In the face of his father's cold violence, the boy shrunk himself into a ball, clutching the quilt tightly, revealing only two frightened eyes.
At this moment, the boy could not have expected that he would grow into the most hated appearance of his own.
Every photo is like a "reincarnation."
As the American psychologist Bandura said:
"When parents are out of control, it is also the time when children's ability to imitate is the strongest."
Many times, the parents' horrific expressions and out-of-control actions will turn into a knife.
Little by little, violence and impulsiveness are carved into the child's genes.
And these imprints will accompany the child to grow up, in the subtle, let the child become another emotional person.
I once read a self-report of a juvenile offender:
The juvenile offender's name is Li Liang, and in his memory, his father has always been very good to himself, even if he saves money and thrift, he must let himself eat well and dress well.
The only problem was that my father's temper was not very good.
Often, when he didn't agree, he shouted at his family.
Sometimes, Li Liang said the wrong word, and his father would be furious.
Looking at his father's roaring look, Li Liang can always think of the monsters on TV...
When he was a child, Li Liang was very afraid of his father getting angry.
But as he grew older, his father became more and more angry, the more rebellious he became, and he even roared back.
After entering junior high school, Li Liang began to indulge in the Internet.
Once, he was playing a game with a friend and was scolded by a friend.
This moment evoked the painful memories of Li Liang being scolded by his father when he was a child, and he grabbed the knife in a rage, stabbed his friend several times, and stabbed the other party into a serious injury.
Studies have shown that:
Parents who are prone to emotional loss of control will often put their children in a high-pressure state of "fighting back at any time", but whenever there is a little wind and grass around, it will make the child act aggressively.
After venting their emotions on their children and partners, parents may soon calm down.
But for the child, the storm in his heart can never be calmed.
I was struck by one piece of news like this:
In Datian County, Fujian Province, a 13-year-old boy was criticized by his father for playing with his mobile phone while studying.
In a fit of rage, he actually jumped from the 5th floor.
But fortunately, the boy fell on the roof downstairs, which only ended up causing abrasions and fractures.
But who knows that after a while, the boy's grandfather also fell from the upper floor and unfortunately died.
It turned out that the grandfather heard that his grandson had jumped off the building, and he chased after the roof to check it out, but he accidentally fell down.
I really can't imagine how much regret and sadness a boy should have had when he learned that his impulsiveness had led to the death of the person he loved most.
A child who has not learned emotional management is like a flat boat driving in the wind and waves.
If you are not careful, you will be completely swallowed up.
And a child who lacks control and endurance is always destined to endure more storms in life.
Remember the girl who committed suicide by poisoning for 3100 yuan at the end of last year?
Through an intermediary, the girl rented a house in the new city of Xi'an City, and the owner of the house was an old man surnamed Ren.
Because of the early withdrawal of rent, the girl and the landlord had a dispute over how much money should be refunded, and when they were ashamed and angry, the girl ordered two bottles of "Enemy Grass Fast" from the Internet.
Subsequently, the girl asked the landlord again to return the money, but the landlord insulted her.
This also completely angered the girl, and after editing the text message, she drank the "enemy grass fast".
Although it took a day and a night of rescue, the girl closed her eyes forever.
Originally just an ordinary quarrel, it ended up paying the price of life.
I can't help but think of a sentence said by the writer Zhang Xiaoxian:
"Things don't go well in life because of temper.
Having a temper, suffering others, and harming yourself even more. ”
Most of the sufferings of life are poisoned by emotions.
Managing emotions well is an indispensable ability in a child's life.
Orator Anthony Robin said:
"The secret of a great life is to know how to control the power of emotion, not to be countered by this force."
However, to raise a child who knows how to control emotions is by no means to forbid children from losing their temper.
As a parent, be sure to pay attention to the following points:
1. Lead by example and be a peaceful parent
Do you know Beyond's lead singer and guitarist Huang Guanzhong?
Huang Guanzhong's father is a grumpy person, often a displeased, he is angry with his wife and children, and once chased Huang Guanzhong's mother with a kitchen knife.
Huang Guanzhong, who grew up in this environment, became a replica of his father when he was fourteen or fifteen years old:
Irritable, violent, and messy all day long.
However, when he married the goddess Zhu Yin and gave birth to a lovely daughter, he realized that the best revenge against his father was to become a very different person from him.
To this end, he gave all his love and patience to his daughter Debbie.
When participating in "Think Of Your Own, Daddy", almost all dads had moments when their emotions were out of control, and only Huang Guanzhong had never been angry with Debbie.
Because of this, Debbie was particularly gentle and caring at a young age.
In the book "Parents' Emotions Affect a Child's Life", it is written:
"The good mood of parents can make children feel happy and confident, and is a booster for children's progress."
On the contrary, the parents' bad mood will make the child feel depressed and inferior, which is the fuse that prompts the child to be depressed and stagnant in his studies. ”
Parents are a mirror of their children.
Only when the parents are emotionally stable can the child maintain inner peace.
2. Give the right medicine to help your child identify emotions
Marc Brackett, a professor at Yale's Children's Research Center, has spent more than 20 years studying emotions and has written his research into the book Emotional Unlock.
He writes in the book that many children lose their temper because they cannot accurately describe their feelings.
To this end, he recommends that parents first ask guided questions to their children:
"What happened to make you feel that way?"
"What were you doing before you just had this feeling?" With whom? ”
"What makes you feel that way?"
"Before this incident, was there anything related?"
"What do you need now?" What can I do for you? ”
Through your child's answers, help them describe their feelings in clear and accurate language.
The left brain of a person is responsible for language, reasoning, and calculation, also known as the "rational brain", and the process of using language to describe feelings is the process of guiding children to suppress emotions with reason.
A question and an answer can quickly cool down the child's emotions.
In addition, we can also take children to read picture books that identify emotions, for example: "Rainbow Bridge: Good Emotions and Good Habits"
3. Timely counseling to find an outlet for your child's emotions
In The Neglected Child, it is argued that:
"A child's emotions are like flowing water, and the source is his heart.
If an obstacle is placed before the water, the water either bypasses the obstacle and changes the direction of flow;
Either it has to flow back to the source, which also means that the child will impose emotions on himself and hurt himself. ”
Once emotions are generated, light suppression is useless, and more importantly, it is still taught to children to release emotions reasonably.
Like what:
Run and play ball with your child, so that your child's brain secretes a "endorphin" that can make people feel happy;
Copying books with children, sorting clothes, etc., mechanical work can also make negative emotions have an outlet;
Or encourage children to write, let children comb through the process of things through words, and vent their emotions...
In short, do not regard the child's temper and anger as a flood beast, the child can get along with emotions and gradually learn to manage emotions.
Writer Bi Shumin wrote in "Family Questions":
"A flower is a world, a family is a universe, the baby comes into the world, and the home is the pupa shell that wraps around him."
If the house is full of healthy love pollen, he will suck it and use the word love to build his own hearing, smell, and perception, and gradually brew a small candied fruit in his heart. ”
A child, if he sees the vicious and grumpy faces of his parents every day, has never heard a soft whisper.
Naturally, he would not know how to become a gentle and calm person.
But if parents can cultivate themselves, patiently guide their children to express their emotions every time they lose their temper and every time they lose control, and allow him to release their emotions, he will always find the key to emotional management.
May our children learn to control their emotions and live this life calmly and happily.