The American master of family therapy Satya said:
"A person's personality characteristics, three views of life, spiritual character, way of thinking, and living habits are deeply influenced by his original family. In all our thoughts and actions as adults, we can see the same face as our parents. ”
How much does the family of origin affect the child?
It not only affects children's work, schoolwork, and even a lifetime of emotional life. Some people are cured by childhood all their lives, and some people are cured of childhood all their lives.
Sometimes parents blame their children for not working hard, but often forget to reflect on their own education.
Wanting to give them the best love, but under the act of being hasty, it becomes a huge pressure on the child.
Sometimes parents want to make far-reaching plans for their children, but in fact, they are unconsciously "hollowing out" their future, and the specific performance has the following 3 points.
1
Crying poor parents are the root of children's inferiority
Have you found that in the first dozen episodes of "An Jia", Fang Xiangjin almost did not laugh much?
She works hard and makes money desperately, in fact, because she feels that only by making more and more money will she feel safe.
In "In the Name of the People," Director Zhao, who accepted bribes of more than 200 million yuan, said:
"I didn't spend a penny, our family has been farmers for generations, and we are poor and afraid."
Why do some people have good conditions in your home, but they are still tired and tired every day and desperately trying to make money?
Why does someone always reject the object of his affection again and again?
Why do some children feel that they are a burden to their parents and should not even come into this world?
Because the family concept they have been instilled since childhood is:
"My family was poor, I put a huge financial burden on my parents, every penny I spent was filled with deep guilt, I felt inferior and I didn't deserve it."
When parents show their sense of powerlessness in life and fear of poverty in front of their children in the form of complaints and complaints, they will also make the child's heart become lacking and powerless.
What is even more frightening is that once such ideas are formed, they will focus more on the interests they have gained in their hands, never dare to think about the long-term development of the future, and as a result, they will do nothing for the rest of their lives.
I have a friend who, because he didn't want to owe his parents anything anymore, gave up graduate school and wanted to make himself financially independent sooner.
Recently, I heard that he gave up the opportunity provided by his unit to study abroad because he wanted to work overtime and work hard to make money.
The people who joined the company with him now have an official and a half-job, the house is complete, and he is still just a small clerk, sharing a small apartment with others.
Edgar Bledsoe said: "A child from an early age thinks of himself as a poor person, and he will be a poor person for the rest of his life. ”
There may be people who work hard to make money and own millions of dollars in property.
But that kind of "poor man's thinking" has always been deeply rooted in his heart, except for running for money, he will not be happy in his life.
Perhaps the purpose of the initial parents crying poverty is just to tell the child about their hardships and want to make the child more obedient and sensible, but in fact, many parents have never ignored the helplessness of their children.
Originally born in this world, you can't help but choose your child, and your efforts and hardships are not what your children ask you to do.
But the poor parents let them suppress their material needs, carry responsibilities that were not theirs, not only do not get any understanding, but also forced to learn to be grateful.
Wu Zhihong wrote in "Why Home Hurts People": "Love only leads to results and does not lead to harm, and what causes harm must not be love." ”
If the scolding hurts the child's body, then the parents cry poorly, which is to leave an eternal scar on the child's heart.
If the possibility of a good life is denied at the beginning, no matter how hard and tired you are, you will not have the meaning of life.
2
Parents who like to compare themselves and make their children overwhelmed
Wang Shengnan in "Young Pi" always likes to compare his daughter Lin Miaomiao with his neighbor Qian Sanyi, who is both good at character and learning.
Put your face and vanity on your child's grades, and once your grades decline, don't ask why, it's a scolding.
In fact, such scenes are not uncommon in life:
I listened to xx's mother say that the child took the first exam again, why don't you study with others?
You look at people XX, help adults do housework every day, the results are good, and then look at you...
Susan Foward said in "Emotional Blackmail": "If the other party only wants to meet their own needs and completely ignores you, they are already facing the dilemma of emotional blackmail." ”
In fact, when parents compare their children with others, the focus is not on the development of the children themselves, but on comparing the value created by the children.
It is not that one should not be a valuable person, but some parents have to be beautiful when they "objectify" their children and worry about their children's future.
There are too many excellent people in this world, and some children are even born to exceed the achievements of others in a lifetime.
Is the perseverance of the comparison the inadequacy of the child, or the greed and vanity of the adult?
The previous hit movie "The Starting Line" is about a wealthy couple in India who do everything they can to get their children to the best aristocratic schools in the region. However, the most profound thing about the whole movie is the vanity of the parents.
Using children to fill their inner anxiety and inferiority is often the root of parents' love of comparison.
Such parents, more often in their own childhood, have unmade up shortcomings, so they want to transfer their wishes that they have no chance to realize to their children.
It is normal for parents to have expectations for their children, but if they only blindly compare with better ones, they will ignore the progress and growth of their children.
If the child does not receive affirmation and praise for a long time, he will begin to doubt himself, and then lose confidence and begin to be decadent.
Psychology expert Jennifer has pointed out the source of children's self-confidence through research: children feel the love and acceptance of their parents, which will make children realize their own value and have more positive emotions and behaviors.
In the Thai short film "A Little Harder Every Day", a child who originally did not have the potential of football eventually grew into a qualified little footballer.
This is not only the result of his hard work and hard work, but also the encouragement of his mother behind it:
"Boy, you work hard", "Try a little harder", "Try harder than the person in front of you", "Try to surpass yourself a little bit"...
The encouragement of this voice is not only to give the child the courage to face the wind and rain, but also to give the child the confidence to resist the wind and rain.
3
Parents who confess their lives, the miracle of destroying their children
The BBC documentary "Seven Years of Life" began in 1964 with 14 children from different classes, from their age of 7 to the age of 56.
More than half a century of tracking, cruelly explaining how hard it is to break down class barriers:
Children from wealthy families who grew up reading the Financial Times will still embark on the road of elites when they grow up, monopolizing the high-quality resources in society, and children from poor families will still repeat the same mistakes and do their best to survive.
There is a saying that says: "A person's pattern determines his whole life." ”
In fact, the pattern of parents will also affect the child's life.
We grew up, we must have heard something like this:
"Can I learn to paint as a meal?"
"Do your own thing, we can't compare with other people's homes."
"The most important thing for a girl is to marry a good person, and no matter how many books you read, you still have to marry!"
Japanese writer Kotaro Isaka said: "The thought of being a parent without exams makes me feel terrible. ”
There was a documentary called "Chu Lu" before, and one of the protagonists was Ma Baijuan from Huining County, Baiyin City, Gansu Province.
"You have to work to go to school, you have to work if you don't go to school, why go to school?" This is what the girl's father said at the beginning of the film.
Ma Baijuan began to share various things with her family at a very young age, and was not allowed to go to school until she was 10 years old, but three years later, she dropped out of school.
After working outside for a few years without success, he finally had no choice but to return to his hometown, and at the age of 16, he married his cousin.
"There is no other way out but to marry." Father talked about her future, and she was silent on the sidelines.
In the countryside, many people think that it is useless for girls to read more books, and anyway, "the water spilled by the daughter who marries out" cannot provide for the parents to live for the elderly.
But also in this kind of feudal ideological environment, Li Anzhou and his wife in Niuwei Village, Driving Township, Honghe County, still insist on sending 3 children to study, even if they borrow money everywhere and work odd jobs outside for many years.
With the encouragement and support of her father, in September 2016, the eldest daughter Li Feihua, who put down her ideological baggage, was admitted to Dehong Teacher's College. In 2019, the second daughter was admitted to Chuxiong Normal College with 526 points, fulfilling her college dream.
"No matter how poor you are, you have to provide for your children to go to school", the persistence of this Hani man changed the life of the whole family.
There is a saying in the book "What is Education": the essence of education means that a tree shakes a tree, a cloud pushes a cloud, and a soul awakens a soul.
In this era when various social resources are gradually becoming monopolized, it is not a theorem that is difficult to produce a noble son in the cold door, but a magic spell, which deeply imprisons some "weak people of fate".
More often, it is not the harsh reality that kills miracles, but the beliefs that are crushed by reality.
4
Educating children is also allowing parents to grow
The great educator Sukhomlinsky said:
"Every moment, when you see the child, you see yourself, and when you educate the child, you are also educating yourself and testing your personality."
Deeply. The child is a blank piece of paper, the parents are the ones who paint; the child is a mirror, illuminating the parents' life pattern and ideological realm.
So, when you find that something is wrong with your child, reflect on yourself first.
Grades and grades are important, as are money and value, but if a child's mind is broken, no matter how many things are outside the body, they will eventually have a big hole in their heart that they will have to fill with a lifetime.
This is as parenting expert Adele Farber said:
It is more important for the child to become a flesh-and-blood child and an emotionally authentic person than to let him continue to be a "good child of the mother".
Nice. Poor parents in the world, but the results of love are not necessarily all good.
May all parents in the world be able to accompany their children to grow up and grow up on their own.
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