Text | Eleven sisters
01
Some time ago I was writing in a café, and a mother and son came in and sat right next to me. The son Yomo is in the upper grades of elementary school.
The cause of the matter was a very small thing, the mother wanted her son to go to the table to get a cup. But at that moment, the son did not know why, and he did not want to go anyway.
Mom reacted quite a bit and said:
"You're such an adult, why are you embarrassed to do such a small thing?"
The son's voice also grew louder: "Who said I was embarrassed to do it?" ”
Mom said, "Then go get it!" ”
The son said, "I don't want to go!" ”
Mom said, "Then you still say you're not embarrassed?" How can it be so big and so timid? ”
Mom's voice was quite loud, and I noticed that my son immediately looked around with his eyes to see if everyone was looking at him.
The mother and son went back and forth several times. One didn't want to go, one forced to go.
In the struggle, the son suddenly thought of a question and said, "You forgot to bring the cup, you should go and get it." ”
Mom was suddenly even more angry: "Can't I take it if I forgot to take it?" I usually do so many things for you, can't you help me take it..."
The voice became louder and louder, many people looked over to this side, and the son's face was flushed, and he shouted in a hoarse voice: "I just don't want to take it now, can't I?" ”
I felt like he was a man forced into a corner.
At that moment, I thought of a book title called Immature Parents.
I think this mother may still think that she has a reason, for the good of the child: you should not be so timid, you should do something for the parents...
She may not be aware of her immature emotional patterns, unaware of her own compulsion and control, and unaware of her inability to empathize with her son's embarrassment and collapse because she "wants to win".
The biggest problem in the world may be the problem of unconsciousness.
So today is a reflection bureau, I want to list the characteristics of immature parents, let's see if there are any immature places.
02
The author of The Immature Parents is Lindsay Gibson, a well-known psychotherapist in the United States. Through her own clinical observations, she summarized several immature parents.
The first type is called emotional.
It's emotionally unstable, prone to eruptions or breakdowns, magnifying small things and magnifying a little frustration to the point of the end of the world.
However, paradoxically, although this type of parent has a very strong emotional reaction, they always avoid their deep emotions, unwilling to speak out their real needs and feelings, but hide in a defensive shell.
Therefore, this type of parent also has a behavioral characteristic: to communicate with people through emotional infection.
What does that mean?
It is that there are ideas and needs not to say directly, but to make people guess why they are unhappy, and often create a low-pressure atmosphere for their families to their children.
Or usually refuse to communicate, and then suddenly erupt, all the problems can only be solved through quarrels.
The second type is called the drive type.
It is very pursuit of perfection, and all interactions with children are goal-oriented.
It doesn't matter if the child is happy or not, the only important thing is to take the first few places.
If the child is not perfect, or is not successful enough, the driven parent will feel that his face is dull. So, they will force the child to follow the path of success they envision, regardless of what the child is really interested in.
I saw a child complain on Zhihu, he said:
When I was a child, I took the third place in the class, and when I came home, my dad said: Why are there 2 in front of me?
The third is called the compulsive type.
It is to force children or other members of the family to do things according to their own ideas and habits.
I've heard a quote that makes a lot of sense:
In a happy family, there is not a single compulsive person.
It is difficult for any family to be happy as long as there is a person with a compulsive personality.
The fourth type is called the negative type.
It is to evade responsibility and not to care for children at all.
This type of parent may love their children, but they cannot be the child's dependence.
Even when the family is in crisis and the child is hurt, negative parents often turn a blind eye.
For example, if a father abuses a child and a child runs to his mother, a negative mother will say, "Your father only occasionally has a bad temper." ”
Extreme negative parents who find that they can live happier elsewhere will not hesitate to abandon their families and children.
The fifth type is called the rejection type.
It is to refuse to have any emotional communication with children or people in the family, as if there is a wall around them.
If the family insists on an emotional response, the rejecting parents may become angry or even violent.
Children who live around such parents will feel that if they do not exist, their parents will also be doing well, and they will feel as if they are a burden to the family.
03
So, if a child has an immature parent, how might they feel?
The most common feeling is emotional loneliness.
In Immature Parents, a child named David describes his feelings this way:
"I was really very lonely, I felt like I was completely isolated. But for me it was normal, I got used to it.
In high school, I often had a picture in my mind: I was floating alone on the sea, without a single person around me. That's how I feel at home. ”