Author: Su Mianmian Source: Accompany you for a long time
There is always one person in this world who is your exception
Accompany you through the long years~
Some time ago, a friend fell in love, and when she talked about it recently, she was not so happy, but still a little anxious.
I asked her what was going on, and she began to list the details of how we got along, big and small, and the core theme was only one, which was to argue whether the boy loved her or not, and whether he loved her more.
I couldn't laugh or cry, this is still the period of love, why did I start to grasp the clues for reading comprehension.
The friend sighed: "I'm not worried, they all say that the one who loves more in the relationship will be pinched, I don't want to be led by the other party, how humble." ”
Indeed, many emotional theories will say that the person who is tempted first loses, the person who loves more loses, and you lose if you care too much about the other person...... It's as if as long as your sincerity is a little heavier, the subject will use it as a pigtail to take advantage of you.
Most people are not afraid of financial losses, they are not only worried about emotional damage, but also afraid that they will lose the initiative in the negotiation between the two parties because they love too much and become the weak person in the intimate relationship.
But this idea is biased in direction.
It is not the person who loves a lot that is weak, but the person who is not calm enough is the weak.
In the past, when I was in love, I always liked to show that I didn't care.
For example, I don't reply to each other's messages in seconds, and I don't take things with each other as the first priority, I insist that two people must keep their distance from each other, and I never show much intimate dependence.
I firmly believe that this is a healthy state of communication, and I also feel that this is the only way to avoid falling behind in the relationship.
On the other hand, my best friend, chatting non-stop 24 hours a day, reporting and checking the post is the same, and I want to meet with boys whenever I am free.
I was dismissive of her attitude at the time, and secretly felt in my heart that it wouldn't be long before the boy would reveal his true nature and start to change his attitude towards her.
But the truth is, they got along well, but it was me, and it ended miserably after a few quarrels.
I was very unconvinced when I saw her happy appearance every day, so I told her not to love her too much and observe more details, otherwise she would be hurt sooner or later.
My girlfriend laughed at me mercilessly: "Look at you for yourself, your theory is not realistic at all." ”
Yes, indeed.
Later, I realized that people's emotional concentration is difficult to adjust through reason, even if it is barely possible, you are calculating the degree of love of the other person every day, and then adjusting yourself, in fact, it is a kind of excessive attention.
When you put so much time into competing against each other, your attention is occupied and your time and energy are consumed. You still say you don't love that much? It's obviously super love.
And my friend is like this, according to his own heart, not to over-analyze the other party's thoughts, only talk about the love he wants to talk about, but grasp the initiative.
I've heard a debater answer the question, "Do you want to find someone who loves you or someone you love?", and I took it for granted that it must be the people who love me who will make me strong in a relationship.
And her answer was-
"I choose what I love, because I love him is equivalent to feeding him with a spoon, and when to stop, the decision is up to me."
The same is true of this matter.
It is my friend's ability to focus only on her own needs, not to crave love, and not to analyze it anxiously, that makes her love resilient and healthy.
She won't suffer from gains and losses, nor will she dwell on whether she performs well or not, and she won't struggle with insomnia because she wants to move forward or backward.
Her slack allows her to better manage the relationship, she enjoys everything that happens in the relationship calmly, and she is better able to judge her feelings.
Therefore, she can live a sweet and sweet life during the period of love; And once you smell the smell of emotional deterioration, you can also firmly retreat with your whole body.
Pretending not to care will only make people care more and more, don't pay attention to the degree of love, don't argue about the details of love. Only by focusing on your own state will you gain true emotional freedom.
When you have more freedom in the relationship than the other person, you may still not be able to control the other person, but at least you can control yourself more clearly, and this is the biggest love winner.
Looking back now, it was really unrealistic to ask yourself not to love in a serious relationship.
If you don't like him enough, how can you two be together?
We can't gauge the emotions of others, we can only manage our own. When you care too much about the outcome of "whether you can be together", an imbalance in your mindset will inevitably lead to deformation in your behavior.
Be generous, with the mentality of "it's okay if you're not together, you and I are free", to love boldly, and boldly face not love.
No parting doesn't bring pain, but if you're able to accept any possibility of an ending, you won't be haunted when the parting comes.
To love calmly, and not to love calmly.
A truly strong person is not always loved, but that you are fearless even if you are not loved.
-END-AUTHOR | Su Mian Noodle first public account | Accompany you for a long time