"If the child doesn't do things the way you expect them to, will you interfere with him?"
Regarding this soul torture, most parents will answer: "Of course not."
When the problem becomes:
Three- or four-year-old children, when you see people without saying hello, will you intervene?
Children procrastinate and rub things, will you intervene?
Children only like to read comic books, other books are not interested, will you intervene?
Kids play mobile phones, video games all day long, will you intervene?
I believe that many parents' answers are not so crisp, and even affirmatively say, "Must intervene."
Especially the last one, children play mobile phones and video games, which is a big problem for parents today.
Preaching, scolding, threatening, limiting time... Various approaches have been used, and we hope to nip this problem in the cradle.
The following mother has done the opposite, thoroughly implementing the principle of "no intervention, no control", which makes us see another possibility.
Her third-grade son, Little Q, has enjoyed electronics time freedom since he was four and a half years old.
Seeing the child, we found that Little Q is smart and agile, imaginative, independent, responsive, and most importantly, the relationship with his mother is intimate and talks about everything.
In an interview, the mother told us about her extreme anxiety about electronic products, to fight with her children, and then to the unrestricted and non-interference of the mental journey.
Before Xiao Q was 3 years old, this mother, like many parents, regarded electronic products as a "flood beast" and basically swept electronic products away from the child's world. Thereafter, it is stipulated that it shall not exceed 15 minutes per day, and shall not exceed 5 minutes at a time, and shall be strictly enforced.
But as Little Q grew up, his sense of autonomy increased, and he began to have many confrontations and conflicts with his mother in order to look at the mobile phone. It has affected the parent-child relationship.
Little Q even hated his mother a little, and often said in his mouth, "Bad mother, I want to kill my mother". Although it is a child's word, it also makes my mother very sad.
Through reflection, the mom began to realize:
The child will one day leave the parents, out of the control of the parents, can he take care of himself?
Control and restriction are not the best solution. What children really need is how to use electronic products rationally, and then learn how to control their desires and manage their lives.
So, when the child was four and a half years old, she made a crazy, adventurous decision not to control Little Q's playing with the iPad.
The process was horrible, and the kids started playing with revenge, staying at home on Saturdays and Sundays, basically holding iPads except for sleeping. The first thing I did when I came back from school was to play games.
This makes the mother begin to question whether her choice is wrong, and whether she will hurt the child because of her stupid decision.
Entanglement and self-doubt have caused this mother to suffer. After that, she surrendered, returned to her previous control, forced the child to put down the iPad, and simply confiscated it if she did not listen.
Under such a stalemate, this mother reflected on herself again, and she realized:
In fact, I just want to get a child who learns to manage iPads, and when he finds that his wishes have failed, he is beaten back to the prototype of anxiety.
He didn't really look at the child's point of view of what interested him. She doesn't know what games her children play every day, what animations she watches, and why does her son like these?
In her eyes, these games are "garbage".
As for why she has such a big prejudice against the game, she can't say it clearly, it seems to be hearsay, and she hasn't really understood it.
So she began to care about what the child watched, what played, where the game was fun, why did the child like it?
The child saw the change in his mother's attitude and was actually interested in the game he played, which made him excited, and invited his mother to join the game, at this time, the mother found that her IQ and reaction could not keep up with her son at all.
From the game, she also saw the social needs of children. And found that some games are actually very artistic.
With the in-depth understanding, she found that the child actually gained a lot in the game, such as layout, planning, collaboration, strong reaction ability, adaptability, flexibility and so on.
In addition, through the "Wukong Literacy" on the iPad, the child also taught himself a lot of words, and the amount of literacy has been very large.
Because of the pursuit of the drama "Douluo Continent", the 8-year-old child has already chewed 20 copies of "Douluo Continent", each of which is nearly 300 pages. The amount of reading crushes many adults.
Today's little Q can manage his time very well, although he will play iPad for the first time when he comes back from school, he will also take the initiative to complete his homework and never let his mother supervise. Because he knows that playing games and doing homework are his own business.
Due to his mother's understanding and respect, the relationship between Xiao Q and his mother was closer than before, and the advice his mother gave him was more willing to accept. For example, control the iPad time, go out to exercise more, eat more dark vegetables, etc.
After listening to this mother's story, I can't help but sigh that in the face of electronic products, it is not only the children who need to cultivate, but also ourselves.
We need to let go of our fears and anxieties, let go of worldly evaluations, and really see the world from the perspective of our children. So that we can see the real child.
Rogers said: True love is deep understanding and acceptance.
Education is never a process of control, intervention, planning, and shaping, but a process that allows children to grow up according to their own nature and rhythm.
Many parents worry that as soon as they let go, their children will fall from then on. In fact, we forget that every child's nature is upward, which can be seen from their perseverance in learning to crawl and walk.
Adler's philosophy holds that people have the need to try to escape from powerlessness and constantly pursue progress.
What parents need to do is make room for them to explore and experiment on their own. In this way, the child has the opportunity to live out himself, rather than live as an extension of you.
After all, the ultimate purpose of man's life is only to become himself.
Of course, the situation of each family and child is different, and the premise of giving space to the child is that you and the child have a good parent-child relationship, and the child will consider your suggestions.
At the same time, parents are not completely indifferent to their children's affairs, laissez-faire, we need to give children the help they deserve when necessary, and this help is out of respect and understanding, not control.
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