I don't know if you've ever encountered a situation where you don't want to tell your parents about help when you have a problem.
My visitor, Ms. Q, is like that.
Recently, Ms. Q told me about the double dilemma she encountered in marriage and work.
In addition, all along, she felt that she was a helpless person, there was no one to ask for help, and she felt very weak in the face of all the pressures of life.
I asked her: Do your parents know these things? Will they care about you?
Hearing my question, her mood suddenly changed from sadness to vigilance and panic, and she quickly said, "No, no, no! This must not be let them know!"
Why are some people so afraid of being cared for by their parents?
After learning about Ms. Q's upbringing, I finally understood the reason behind her panic.
Ms. Q is the eldest of the 3 siblings in the family, from childhood to adulthood, her parents have told her to study seriously, be obedient and sensible, and be an example for her younger siblings.
In fact, her parents are not the kind of strong, aggressive personality, in ms. Q's words, they are very "loving" her, very "concerned" about the various things in her life.
She shared a detail from elementary school —
One day she took the math test first in the class, came home from school, took the test paper to show her parents, and the family was very happy.
At this time, Xiao Q said that his table results did not pass.
After hearing this sentence, the smile of the parents disappeared inside, and then a worried face told Xiao Q: You should pay attention to it, play less with her, don't be damaged by her, affect the grades.
Growing up, she often heard similar "concerns":
You are all this age, what can you do if you can't get married, we are very worried about you!
There is a small couple in our neighborhood who quarreled and divorced last week, and you and your husband must live a good life.
Now the epidemic is difficult to find a job, you must not make any mistakes in your work, and lose your job!
These words are taken out separately to see, as if each sentence is a normal but unspeakable concern of parents, but over time, Ms. Q always has an unspeakable discomfort.
We may wish to try to read these words of Ms. Q's parents several times, and we can feel the emotions hidden behind the words.
anxiety.
Parents are constantly worried that things will get worse, and they themselves are not able to digest this emotion, and by "caring" for Ms. Q, they leave the anxiety intact, and even throw it to Q in a big way.
In the face of such "care", people will not feel half comforted at all, but will also become anxious.
Perhaps there will be partners wondering, then what kind of care is transmitting anxiety, what kind of care is the real care?
In fact, the way to distinguish is very simple -
Go see whose feelings are behind this.
Under normal circumstances, we care about others, we are thinking about each other's feelings, trying to find ways to take care of each other's feelings, and make them feel better.
The "transmission of anxiety" type of care is ostensibly concerned about the other party, but in fact, it is concerned with one's own feelings.
For example, my parents once said to Q, "If you quit such a good job, what can you do in the future?"
In fact, Q is very happy and relaxed when he voluntarily resigns.
And the real anxiety about this is the parents, and the real meaning behind this sentence of their expression of concern is that -
After you quit your job, we will be very anxious and uncomfortable, and you have to think of a way to make us not feel so bad.
Ms. Q is covered under a blanket of boundless anxiety under the guise of "care", and it is naturally easy to feel breathless.
Ms. Q's story reminds me of a video I saw earlier.
In a violin class, a teacher leads a little girl to play.
The little girl's skillful performance was affirmed by the teacher, but the teacher found a problem, the girl was too restrained throughout the whole process, and there was no smile on her face.
So the teacher danced and led her to jump up and jump, trying to make her play more relaxed and let her practice smiling.
Despite the teacher's efforts, it is still difficult to squeeze out a smile on the child's face.
After the performance, the teacher noticed the problem - it turned out that the girl's mother had been watching her anxiously offstage.
So the teacher went straight down and asked the mother what she thought of the child.
Do you think she's pretty? Do you think she plays the violin well?
The mother shook her head, she did not think her daughter was beautiful, nor did she think that her daughter's violin was playing well.
Despite the teacher's repeated statements that the child was great, the mother's attitude was still very reluctant.
The teacher tried to change the perspective and discuss with the mother:
There is a funny saying in psychology: problems are solved.
This may be contrary to everyone's common sense, we generally encounter problems, the first reaction is to find a way to solve these problems.
For example, if the grades are not good, we will find ways to improve our grades, and if the feelings are not smooth, we will find more reasons to solve them.
There are even people who start worrying ahead of time when the problem doesn't arise.
But if a person is overly worried about problems and tries to solve all problems perfectly from the beginning, it is easy to get more and more worried, and the ability to cope will continue to decline - all the energy is used to worry.
As a result, more problems erupted.
The mother and daughter in the video are exactly like that.
The mother worries that her daughter is not good enough, and she just throws an anxious look at the child, which is enough to make the child afraid.
From Ms. Q and the video mother and daughter, it is not difficult to see that anxiety can be "contagious" to those around them, and this process may be transmitted through language or only through "silent gaze" like in the video.
The child lives next to the anxious mother every day, even if the mother does not speak, she can feel that the mother does not approve of all aspects of herself, or even dislike.
Moreover, even if the child has a small success or successfully gets out of the predicament, it will not make the parents re-recognize the child, and the parents are always worried about the bad things that may happen in the future.
When parents repeatedly express their fears about their children's future deterioration, the children behind them feel another 4 meanings:
1. You only like me who is excellent in learning, smooth work, and happy in love, and if I can't do it, I will be rejected by you;
2. I am not able to face the situation that arises in my life;
3. No matter how good my life is at this moment, any disturbance may make it all disappear;
4. If I don't take even a small step as planned, my life is over.
Therefore, these children who are "cared for" and grow up will always constantly doubt themselves, always be cautious in everything they do, and have no vision for the future.
Lu Xun once said:
The meaning of the existence of parents,
It is not to give children a comfortable and affluent life.
It's when you think of your parents,
Your heart will be full of strength, you will feel warm,
Thus having the courage and ability to overcome difficulties,
Thus gain the true joy and freedom of life.
Unfortunately, many of the clients I met in the consultation were basically the opposite at home.
When they encounter difficulties, they think of their parents, but they become more worried.
Just fighting the anxiety from the parents has already consumed most of the energy, so any small setback on the road of life may make them fall into the quagmire of anxiety.
If, like Ms. Q, you are kidnapped by the anxiety of your parents, deeply distressed and confused.
Here, I would like to give you 2 points of advice:
1. Return anxiety to parents;
2. Explain to parents with reality: the sky will not fall.
Both approaches need to be done in stages.
Stage 1: Return the anxiety to the parents
For example, in Ms. Q's story, when her parents are worried about various situations in her life, she can respond like this:
Yes, these things you said can indeed happen, and life is like this.
In the early days, Q insisted on responding to his parents in the middle of the way, which also had two benefits.
On the one hand, Q can refuse to drop some of the anxiety and make himself more relaxed.
On the other hand, it is also an opportunity for parents to face their anxieties.
When this is said, parents are usually uncomfortable, but it doesn't matter, allowing them to stay with this bad feeling for a while, thus cultivating their ability to live with anxiety.
At this stage, many children who have become accustomed to "reporting good news and not worrying to their parents" will be a little unbearable.
But what I want to tell you is that this is the fact that all parents have to face —
Your child's life is likely to have a variety of situations, and 100% will be different from what you imagined. Every child in life will definitely disappoint their parents.
This is not poisonous chicken soup, but it is a normal thing under the heavens.
Sooner or later, all parents will have to recognize this truth.
There is no need for children to break their teeth and swallow in their stomachs, hide the unbearableness of their own lives, and maintain the bubble-like dream of "a perfect life for children" in their parents' minds.
Stage 2:
Explain to parents with reality: the sky will not fall
After parents have been with anxiety for a while, explain to them with facts that even if an exam is broken, a job is lost, or a quarrel with a lover, life will not end.
Because, if you find the reason, you can do well next time, you can find a job again, quarrel with your lover, and you can also reconcile.
If life is likened to a voyage, the anxious concern of parents is like the fear of a child falling off the boat.
At this time, what the child has to do is not to convince the parents that they will never fall into the water, but to let the parents see that even if they fall, they can swim and climb back to the boat.
Finally, I would like to say a few words to the parents of anxious children:
Take a hard look at how your child faces a difficult situation, rather than staring at the imperfections in their lives.
Parents who are accustomed to anxiety usually have a characteristic: they often look at their children with a static gaze.
Even if the child has been able to live independently or start a family, in the eyes of the parents themselves, they are still the ones who do not understand things and will not take good care of themselves.
At this time, parents need to focus on the experience of how their children have overcome difficulties on their own to overcome adversity along the way.
Go see how the child thinks, how to persevere, how to try...
Because only by looking at these things can we truly feel the power radiating from them, and can we have confidence in them from the bottom of our hearts.
Each generation is destined to face its own unique dilemmas in this era.
As a parent, I hope you will one day be able to say something like this to your child from the bottom of your heart:
Although I don't know what kind of difficulties you will encounter in the future, I also understand that your future will definitely have difficulties that we can't do, even if we are confused, struggling, stagnant, and have no answers for a while.
But I know that you will eventually be able to live the past in your own way.