Recently, the topic of the hit drama "Human World" has been continuous, and it has been frequently searched.
I also followed a few episodes, the plot is really quite good, worthy of being adapted from Liang Xiaosheng's famous book.
This drama mainly revolves around the story of the Zhou family, and the biggest protagonist is Zhou Bingkun, the second son played by Lei Jiayin.
Zhou Bingkun is the most unproductive child of the Zhou family, but he is also the most honest and kind child.
Maybe it is precisely because he is like every ordinary person in all sentient beings, so the story that happened to him is particularly poignant in people's hearts.
You can always see your own shadow in his story and get some kind of resonance.
01
How terrible is a relationship without a sense of boundaries?
Zhou Bingkun finally opened a restaurant through his own efforts, made some money, and bought a big house.
The whole family moved into the big house, and the old house was vacant.
It just so happened that Zhou Bingkun's good brothers Xiao Guoqing and Wu Qian, who were laid off and had no income, still had to rent a house.
Zhou Bingkun felt that the old house was empty and empty, so he lent them to live and did not charge a penny.
He also introduced Wu Qian to a bookstore job, which can be described as a dedication to helping them.
It was meant to be a good thing, but kindness does not necessarily get a good reward.
Years later, Zhou Bingkun found that the big house he bought had been cheated on, and the real homeowners came back and asked them to move out immediately.
Zhou Bingkun's family had no place to live, so they had to go to Xiao Guoqing to return to the old house.
He also deliberately brought a lot of things with him, and he was embarrassed to say: "We are going to move back to live." ”
When Wu Qian listened, she was still holding something and smiling at her one second ago, and this second she was immediately angry: "The combination is to shake us away!" ”
While taking the child out of anger, she pointed at Sang Huai, as if she had become a "victim" and turned Zhou Bingkun into a bad person.
In the end, she even put forward the condition that she could move, so that Zhou Bingkun must find a job for Xiao Guoqing, otherwise she would be forced to die.
You say, isn't that angry?
Obviously, Zhou Bingkun helped them, but Wu Qian not only did not know gratitude, but also beat a rake, but it was Zhou Bingkun who owed her.
In the end, in fact, Zhou Bingkun should not have helped this in the beginning, letting them live in this old house for free.
Although he and Xiao Guoqing are good brothers, there is still a certain truth to the saying: "Saving the emergency does not save the poor".
It is precisely because Zhou Bingkun began to help people without setting clear boundaries, which led to Wu Qian's lack of boundary sense of their relationship later.
The book Boundaries writes: "In a relationship without boundaries, neither partner can achieve healthy self-care. In fact, most people who lack healthy boundaries always think that it seems as if once they lose their help, the other person's life will become a mess. In this type of relationship, one partner plays the role of the other party's helper. ”
Zhou Bingkun will feel guilty because he can't continue to help them, and even be embarrassed to let them move out, just feel as if they can't live without their own help.
But in fact, everyone is an adult, should be responsible for their own life, and no one has the obligation to help anyone.
No matter how good the relationship, what to help and what not to help, must have clear boundaries. The so-called "Sheng Mi Hate Mien" is also this truth.
A relationship without boundaries is unequal from the start and usually ends in failure.
Because one party has been giving, the other party has been taking, and over time taking the other party's payment for granted.
It's like Wu Qian feels that Zhou Bingkun should help them, and she must always help them in order to maintain this relationship.
But one day, because of the blurred boundaries, the giver will be overwhelmed, physically and mentally exhausted, and even have no time to take care of their own needs, and fall into a sense of frustration.
Once this unbalanced relationship is broken, the benefactor is likely to become the enemy.
Therefore, it is better to set boundaries on each other's relationship from the beginning.
02
Why don't you dare set boundaries?
Zhou Bingkun had blurred boundaries except for Xiao Guoqing.
In fact, he has always lacked a sense of boundaries in his relationship with other friends.
He has always been righteous, his sister-in-law Hao Dongmei is the daughter of the governor, and his brother Zhou Bingyi and sister Zhou Rong are very prominent.
Therefore, these few incomplete buddies of photon films like to find Zhou Bingkun to help as soon as they have a little thing. And Zhou Bingkun has always been able to help, never refused, and became a well-known "good old man".
Zhou Bingkun's "good old man" trait also has a lot to do with his growth experience.
Since he was a child, he has not been as good as his brothers and sisters, and his parents have always praised two children in front of outsiders, and Zhou Bingkun who stays around is often silent and unconsciously ignores him emotionally.
Emotional neglect refers to a person growing up without getting enough emotional attention from a parent or guardian.
Most people who have experienced emotional neglect do not know how to consider their own feelings, and always put the needs of others first, which can easily lead to blurred boundaries in a relationship.
Zhou Bingkun has also been in the position of a giver in the family, helping to raise her sister's children, taking on the responsibility of taking care of her parents on her own early and taking care of her parents instead of her brother and sister.
He gave too much to the family, and it often hurt people.
There are actually many good old people like Zhou Bingkun in our lives.
Psychotherapist Nedra, who hosts a weekly online counseling session, found that 85% of netizens ask questions about boundaries:
"My brother always borrows money from me, and I can't refuse every time, what should I do?"
"When I go out with a bunch of friends every week, they're all drunk and I don't feel well, what should I do?"
The issue of boundaries has plagued many people. Myself included.
Since my friends around me know that I am very good at writing, I will always come to me from time to time to do me a favor.
Someone wants to run an essay contest, she wants to participate, but her writing ability is not good, come to me to help her write. The name is: "I know you are very good at writing, help me write it, I will definitely win the grand prize." 」 ”
Someone also asked me to show her the child's essay, let me give some advice, and help teach it.
Someone else sent a manuscript directly to me and asked me to revise it.
At first, I was embarrassed to reject others, thinking that others came to me and recognized me, and if I could help, I would help.
However, later I found out that because I helped them delay my time a lot, I didn't have time to do things, and I often stayed up late to write manuscripts, which made me physically and mentally exhausted.
And the first time you help someone else, some people will come back to you, as if taking your labor for granted, saying thank you is finished.
They simply don't think about how long this thing will delay you or what bothers you. Because you don't say it, a lot of people will think you're happy to help him.
So why don't you dare set your own boundaries?
Some potential causes are analyzed in the book Boundaries:
You're afraid of being looked down upon, labeled "calculating," afraid of tearing your face, always thinking about the worst outcome.
You always want to please others, care too much about other people's opinions, and want to realize your own value by helping others.
You feel anxious about setting boundaries about your interactions, feel awkward, and project your feelings of rejection onto others.
You are afraid to accept psychological discomfort. For example, guilt, sadness, betrayal, etc.
You will feel overwhelmed and don't know how to refuse.
So, if you want to set boundaries, you have to know why you are afraid to set boundaries, break the old fixed thinking patterns, and build new cognitions.
03
How do you guard your boundaries?
You know, in this world, no one owes anyone anything, and no one is anyone's savior.
You are not obligated to take responsibility for the lives of others, and the premise of helping others is that you first consider your own feelings and needs.
If in a relationship, you always play the role of a giver, bearing too much burden and psychological baggage, it is likely that your relationship has long been blurred.
Many problems in the relationship between people are actually due to blurred boundaries.
A good relationship requires a sense of boundaries, and a relationship without a sense of boundaries is often a disaster.
Setting the necessary boundaries will make you more comfortable with each other and easier to maintain a long-term balanced relationship.
Since boundaries are so important, how do we express our boundaries?
Specific advice is also given in the book Boundaries:
The healthiest mode of communication is to express your boundaries firmly and confidently. With a firm and confident attitude, you can accurately and unmistakably speak your views to the other party.
To successfully express your boundaries. You can walk in three steps:
Step 1: Be clearly informed
You want to be as straightforward as possible about your needs. Pay attention to the treatment of tone and tone, neither hoarse exhaustion, nor do you have to whisper.
The wording is as simple and straightforward as possible, and ensure that the words are used accurately, so as not to miss the point.
You can express it in ways that begin with "I," such as "I need to..." "I hope..." and "My feeling is...".
In this way, what you say is related to yourself, expressing your own purpose, and being able to keep your own boundaries and not offend the boundaries of others.
Step 2: Speak up
You can't just euphemistically state what you don't like, you must explain what you need. Be sure to articulate your expectations or firmly reject each other's conditions.
Step Three: Eliminate inner insecurity
Dealing with the bad emotions that arise after the setting of limits has always been the biggest obstacle to setting limits.
In fact, whether you feel guilty, worried, remorseful, or embarrassed afterwards, it is a normal reaction.
These feelings, like any other, have a process from generation to disappearance.
You don't have to feel sorry for your boundaries because you can't please everyone and you don't have to empathize with others all the time.
04
Write at the end
Schopenhauer said: "People are like hedgehogs in the cold winter, they lean too close to each other, they feel stinging; too far away from each other, they feel cold." ”
People get along with each other, only by setting reasonable boundaries, can they not be familiar with each other and have a degree of closeness.
There is a saying that goes well: if you have boundaries, others will not cross them.
No matter who you get along with, you must let the other person know what your boundaries are, and when the other party violates your boundaries, never be soft-hearted, and never be a bad person again.
Your good is most valuable only if you set clear boundaries.
A person who is truly worthy of engagement will definitely know how to respect your boundaries.
Your boundaries will help you leave the most worthy people to associate with, and will also allow you to have a more free and comfortable relationship.
Author: Lili Hepburn, a contracted author.