Author | Fan Deng Reading · alpaca
Anchor | Fan Deng Reading · Enjoy the new sunshine
"Cai Gen Tan" has a saying: "Character is done to the extreme, just just right." ”
In life, there is no shortage of such people:
Habitual accommodation, in exchange for sincerity, but wronged themselves;
Always thinking of humility, in exchange for respect, but hurt himself;
I promised everything in exchange for gratitude, but I was disgusted and did not do well enough.
Thinking about people everywhere may not necessarily be exchanged for the care of others; everything is considered for people, and it is not necessarily possible to get the sincerity of others.
Therefore, never be too nice to one person.
Only by learning to have reservations can we grasp the initiative of turning around.
I've heard a quote like this:
"If one day, I go from enthusiasm to indifference, from not counting returns to being calculating.
Please don't say I've changed, I just learned to protect myself. ”
In this world, the coldest thing is the human heart, and the one that cannot withstand the test is also the human heart.
Many people are used to getting it, they forget to be grateful, get used to having it, and feel that it should be so.
A netizen @ good luck to share a piece of their own experience.
He has a good friend he has been dating for over 20 years.
Once, a friend found him and said that he wanted to start a business, but the funds could not be turned over, and he wanted to borrow some money from him.
Without saying a word, he borrowed hundreds of thousands of dollars from his friends and helped him contract a small factory.
Because there was no material or technology at the time, he went around again, providing materials, technology, and even customer relations to help with his friends.
With his help, friends' company achieved a profit of more than 400,000 yuan in ten months.
However, the friend is not only not grateful, but also thinks every day whether he has another plan and goes to each client to investigate whether he has a commission.
When the supply was tight, he more than once secretly robbed his customers and supplies.
In the end, he learned that he was extremely sad and vowed to cut off contact with his friends and never contact him again.
This reminds me of a scene from the hit drama "The World" some time ago.
The protagonist, Zhou Bingkun, moves into a newly purchased house.
Knowing that his friend Xiao Guoqing's family of three did not have a house to live in, he lent them the house built by his father for free, and also helped Wu Qian find a job.
But later because he was cheated of buying a house, Zhou Bingkun could only move back to the old house with his whole family.
He felt embarrassed, in order to talk to Xiao Guoqing about this matter, he also specially mentioned gifts, but as soon as he opened his mouth, Wu Qian exploded.
She thinks that Zhou Bingkun is picking them up, not only is she not grateful, but she also blames Zhou Bingkun for not thinking about their family, and she is the only one in the family to earn money, just enough to make a living.
Not only that, but he also took the opportunity to ask Zhou Bingkun to find a job for Xiao Guoqing, otherwise they would have no place to move and no money to rent a house.
In the end, the two sides were full of contradictions and tensions.
But as the saying goes, "Freezing three feet is not a day's cold." ”
Treat a person well without asking for anything in return, and he will take your good for granted.
And your goodwill becomes weakness, and your generosity becomes impotence.
Someone said:
"Desire is like a seed, constantly satisfied, only to make it grow more rapidly."
Being too good to one person is easy to add to each other's troubles.
Just the right kindness is the best nourishment for a relationship.
In economics, there is a concept called the "marginal effect of gratitude."
That is, when people are first favored, they usually thank zero; but as the number of times increases, it gradually becomes taken for granted.
In this world, not everyone has kindness, and not everyone knows how to be grateful.
Oliver Cook is a well-known British philanthropist.
From the age of 16 until her death, she has been doing good deeds in her best for more than 70 years.
For decades, he has been selling plastic flowers, not only raising money for the Royal Veterans Association, but also donating to more than two dozen charities to put his entire pension into it.
Such an old man with great love should have lived a happy and healthy life, but he did not expect to die in such a decisive way.
Every month, Oliver Cook receives more than 200 emails and countless phone calls, not thanks, but asking her to donate.
The men hollowed out all her savings and blamed her for giving too little.
She once said: "I have given too much and can't come up with more." ”
But the outside world did not let her go, and her donation was not a good deed for those people, but an obligation that must be fulfilled.
The letters and phone calls weighed her breathlessly, and when the £250 she sent to her son mysteriously disappeared, she finally couldn't trust anyone anymore.
The old man was utterly desperate, and she jumped down from the bridge and ended her life.
I send you charcoal in the snow, and you wish my family scattered and dead.
It was no one else who had forced Old Man Oliver Cook to death, but the poor and helpless people she had helped.
"Dig out your heart and lungs for a person, either get a lifelong confidant, or exchange it for a lifetime of lessons."
If you dare to retreat again and again without a bottom line, he will dare to blatantly advance;
If you dare to pluck out your heart and lungs without restraint, he will dare to intensify endlessly.
Keigo Higashino wrote in White Night:
There are two things in the world that cannot be looked at directly, one is the sun, and the other is the human heart.
We all know that one thing can be exchanged for one thing, but sometimes, the human heart cannot be exchanged for the human heart.
Everything is measured, pay too much, it is inevitable that it will be hurt.
By holding our own bottom line, we can move forward and backward freely and not be hurt.
In the "Chronicle of the Marquis of Huaiyin", it is written: "Small grace raises nobles, and great grace raises enemies."
When Han Xin, the prince of the Western Han Dynasty, was young, his family was poor and could not afford to eat.
The local pavilion chief was kind and often asked him to go to his house for dinner.
After a long time, the wife of the pavilion chief was not happy.
One day, she deliberately let her family eat in advance and did not leave a little food for Han Xin.
When Han Xin came, there was only an empty dinner table waiting for him, and he turned his head and left in anger, never going to the pavilion chief's house again.
Han Xin had no food to eat, and an old woman sympathized with him and gave him a bowl of rice.
Later, Han Xin developed, remembering the old woman's kindness of a meal, returning her a thousand taels of gold, and the pavilion chief who helped him for a long time only ended up with the evaluation of a "villain".
It is said that drinking six points drunk, eating seven points full, good for a person, but also to stop.
During the Southern Song Dynasty, there was a member of the family who was very wealthy, he was kind and measured, and he was very good to every tenant in his family.
One day, a good friend of the staff who had been friends for many years came to visit, said that the family had suddenly changed, and asked the staff to take him in.
He immediately arranged a place for him and gave his friend some land for farming, but at the same rent as the tenant.
After the bystanders learned, they accused the outside of the staff of being too stingy, and since the relationship was so good, why should they be so clearly divided.
The staff explained:
"If I let him stay at home and eat and drink well, in the long run, he will not only lose the ability to make a living, but also feel that my help to him is deserved."
The ancients said: Raise rice to raise grace, and fight rice to raise revenge. I not only hurt him, but also myself.
Moreover, I myself am also very burdened, I can't provide for the idler, give him a few fields, let him work on his own, and we will take what we need, so why not enjoy it? ”
Sure enough, a few years later, the friends outside the staff worked their own, saved some savings, and lived a prosperous life.
The relationship between the two is also closer than before.
Endless giving, may be exchanged for others' pickiness, blame, appropriate giving, in order to gain the respect and gratitude of others.
I like a poem by Du Fu: "Good rain knows the season, when spring is happening." ”
Spring rain is considerate, knows the season, and floats in when people are in urgent need of it, prompting the opportunity.
As the saying goes: "Help the poor not help the lazy, save the emergency does not save the poor." ”
Help the poor and save the emergency, others will miss your good; help the lazy to save the poor, others will only want to fill in the gap.
You know, your efforts are not worthless, and your good is not worth everyone.
Sincerely help others, others return to the heart, in order to last; in times of crisis to help, others know how to be grateful, so as not to be disappointed.
Psychologist Homans once proposed that the interaction between people is essentially an equivalent exchange.
Regardless of which party, as long as the excessive giving and taking, will lead to an imbalance in the balance of the relationship.
Therefore, setting your own sense of boundaries and striving to create a balance between income and expenditure, which seems indifferent, is actually the way to operate for a long time.
Cognitive Breakout writes:
"A good person who has no sense of boundaries often thinks what others think, is anxious about what others are anxious about, and finally wastes his own attention, and it is easy to provoke people to be disgusted."
In a relationship, if only one party pays, it is often laborious and not long-lasting.
The most comfortable state of getting along with people is never to please and force, but to be appropriate and just right.
Click "Watching", for the rest of your life, may you treat people for seven points well, and the remaining three points to love yourself.
Author | Alpaca, an ordinary person who wants to warm the world with words.
Editor-in-Chief | A doctor
Typography | Zheng to the north
Music | "Summer Breeze"