Author | The heart is a lonely hunter
Before you start reading this article, I would like to ask you to vote:
If most of these options meet, you may need to set more boundaries for yourself in your relationships.
Boundaries are self-protection when overburdened, a way to express reasonable expectations to others, and the key to helping you experience safety and comfort in your interpersonal interactions.
Tawab, the author of Boundaries, has 14 years of experience as a psychotherapist, and she found that most people who come to psychotherapy are unaware of the existence of boundary problems. Boundary issues abound in their lives, such as lack of self-care, flattering personality, avoidant attachment, excessive intimacy as a social tool, easy to be manipulated by emotions and moral kidnapping, difficulty managing time, and emotional susceptibility to social media.
In life, there are people who please others but have no time to take care of themselves, and are deeply involved in the pain of resentment, anger and frustration, but do not know that it is caused by unclear boundaries.
Common boundaries in life
Physical boundaries
"Physical boundaries" refer to a person's personal space and the degree of physical contact he is able to accept. Everyone has a certain understanding of their own body, knows what kind of environment can make them feel comfortable, and the need for physical space is also different.
Since physical boundaries change with the environment in which we live, the closeness of the relationship and the comfort of the relationship, we should explain to each other in a timely manner our requirements for personal space and the restrictions on physical contact. For example, you can tell the other person explicitly what kind of physical contact will make you feel uncomfortable.
Emotional boundaries
The reason why we share our feelings with others is, of course, in the hope of gaining the support and recognition of each other. However, this reasonable demand is not easy for some people to come by. These people's emotions are not valued, their feelings are often ignored, and it is even difficult to confide in others after that.
This situation is the responsibility of both the speaker and the listener.
First of all, a person with healthy emotional boundaries is measured when expressing their feelings and sharing personal information, and will not unreservedly spit it out. That is to say, the person who knows how to share will only share at the right time and will carefully choose who to share.
Moreover, listeners sometimes cross the line, hastily define and even interfere with the problems and feelings expressed by the other party, not knowing that sometimes the other party just needs an audience and a support.
Time limits
Time boundaries involve not only how one manages one's own time, but also how one allows others to take up one's own time, how one handles other people's requests, and how one arranges one's own free time.
Sacrificing one's time to do things for others is the most prominent manifestation of violating the boundaries of time. If a person doesn't have time to do what he wants to do, it shows that he lacks healthy time limits.
Changing this can start with the simplest step – you can confirm that your schedule is too full before you grant someone else's request.
Transgressive behavior and manifestations
There is a difference between size and size across the line. Cross-border situations usually occur between two unfamiliar people or are simply an occasional event in life. To give you an example of a smaller line: at a party, a stranger takes the initiative to chat with you, he is constantly talking about his own affairs, and you even feel that you know enough about him to write a book.
The greater the boundary is the taboo in interpersonal relationships, it is equivalent to a disease in a relationship, which affects the health of this relationship for a long time. If such problems occur frequently, the relationship will inevitably change qualitatively.
To give an example of a larger boundary in a relationship: in the early days of a relationship, you are eager to be together for 24 hours. Gradually, each other's hobbies have become your hobbies, and past friends and lives have been replaced by today's you and me.
There is no concept of "individual" in an overly intimate relationship, a relationship that is extremely devoid of personal space, both emotionally and physically, and certainly less likely to allow boundaries.
But in fact, no matter how intimate the relationship, you need to leave a certain amount of personal space, leaving the other party and yourself the opportunity to relax in the relationship. When "I" become "us" completely, it only makes each other unable to "breathe."
Neither in the name of love nor in the will to "be good to you" can be used as a reason to cross the line. For the boundaries set by a person, even if you don't understand or approve of it, please respect it.
Set boundaries firmly and confidently
There is no healthier mode of interaction than to express one's boundaries firmly and confidently. Firm self-confidence is to boldly disclose your own ideas without hurting the other person's feelings. It is not an unreasonable demand, but a requirement that the other person understand and accept your ideas.
To successfully express your boundaries, first be firm and confident in your attitude, and then easily take three steps.
Step 1: Be clearly informed
Be as straightforward as possible about your needs. The wording is as simple and straightforward as possible to prevent the other party from missing the point.
Step 2: Speak up
You can't just euphemistically state what you don't like, but also what you need or want. Be sure to articulate your expectations or firmly reject each other's conditions.
For example, when a friend invites you to a party, but you are tired of socializing and do not want to go, instead of using reasons such as "unwell" to prevaricate, it is better to frankly express that you "need some time alone."
Step Three: Eliminate inner insecurity
Dealing with the bad emotions generated after the setting of the limit has always been the most difficult link in solving the boundary problem, and it is also the problem that everyone wants to avoid the most. In fact, whether you feel guilty, worried, sad, remorseful, or embarrassed afterwards, these emotions are normal reactions.
You can try to tell yourself that expressing your demands clearly will also help the other party understand themselves better, so that the relationship can develop in a healthier and self-interested direction.
epilogue
Setting healthy and beneficial boundaries will make you feel safe and calm, feeling loved and respected. Boundaries can define not only the role others play in your life, but also your place in the lives of others.
The essence of boundaries is the recognition of ownership, crossing boundaries, requiring the consent of the other party; not interfering with others, is the real cultivation and maturity.
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Academy Jun
The length is pleasant: ★★★★★
Fun readability: ★★★★
Scientific rigor: ★★★★
Boundaries provides readers with a concise set of methods to help readers judge whether they have boundary problems, explore the degree of demand for boundaries, teach readers to set and implement their own boundaries step by step, without feeling guilty, clarifying relationships with others, and having the courage to engage in healthy interpersonal interactions. There are also cases based on true stories, as well as specific coping suggestions, allowing readers to practice their own expressions.
Book donation activities
Which boundaries are common in life that you value the most? Tell us in the comments section that as of 12:00 noon on Wednesday, March 9, 2022, the University Hall Editorial Office will select the best 3 comments among the top 8 comments with the highest number of comments, and each reviewer can receive the book "Boundaries: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom" provided by Light Dust Publishing.
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