Chatting with a friend during the winter vacation, mentioning parent-child education, he once complained to me about the education expert: "The method sounds very reasonable, and the theory is not applicable!" ”
Here's the thing: during the holidays, I listened to several live broadcasts of family education experts on Douyin, which talked about "How to Solve the Problem of Children's Homework Procrastination".
I listened very carefully and took notes, and then followed the 5-step method of the expert,
Trying to change the problem of the second grade child's homework in my family,
As a result, there was not much improvement in the end of the week, and I wanted to yell at him and even want to beat him! What do you mean?
I said: These problems you Baidu, there are dozens of ways to solve the problem of homework procrastination, everyone must be reasonable, but if you do not change your temper, have a stable mood, I am afraid that any expert method will not work. He listened very dazedly, but then listened to my explanation and expressed his approval.
So why do we take the methods and techniques of experts and do it obediently but it doesn't work?
We say that parents are originals, families are photocopiers, and children are photocopiers. Children are the future of their parents, and parents are the future of their children. The problems that exist in the child are the projection of the parents' problems.
In parent-child education, in order to solve the problems of children, we must first solve our own problems.
This is to solve the problem at the root.
Without a problematic parent, there is not a problematic child. Just as a tree-grown flower has a problem, we usually have to go deep into the roots to heal it, not just stay in the flower itself.
For a family, parents are the roots of the tree and children are the flowers. If there is a problem with the flowers, most of the tree roots also have problems.
Parents often "see" the child's problem, in fact, his own problem in the child's "blossom".
The child is your projection screen, and when you see a problem in the child, it is the external projection of your own problem. Therefore, it is impossible for parents to change if they do not change their children.
So, in what ways should parents change?
First, change your bad temper and have a stable mood.
Parents have bad temper, emotional instability, easy to be impulsive, manage children roughly, either use force, often beat and scold, or language violence, casually derogatory and sarcastic, then, children will have two results: one is to counter violence with violence and copy the parents' behavior. Know that bad tempers are inherited, parents scold, in the ear, children may be affected, in the same way to treat others, or treat their own offspring. The second is that children are cowardly and timid. Under long-term suppression and self-suggestion, children do not dare to resist, lack self-confidence, will break the jar and break, cowardly and timid.
Second, have the ability to appreciate children.
In today's society, most children can be satisfied in the material aspect, and under the condition of no lack of material, spiritual satisfaction is what they need. Eager to receive attention and appreciation from others, especially their closest parents. Children who are often praised by their parents are usually more self-identified, believe in their abilities more than children who are rarely appreciated, and are more enthusiastic about doing things later. If parents lack the vision of appreciating children, often with the psychology of picking mistakes, with a picky attitude to treat children, then, the child in the heart of the parents is a person full of bad diseases, parents mouth to denigrate the child, the child will eventually become the parents of the mouth of the like.
Third, a state of good self-growth.
Parents are children's role models, if parents are full of positive energy every day, then positive behavior will subtly affect the child, so that the child's healthy and happy growth.
How can parents change their bad temper and have a stable mood?
1. Self-reflection, deep analysis, recognize the harm of bad temper, do a good job of objective self-knowledge, so as to learn self-restraint.
Customize the rules for yourself, no matter how bad your temper is, you must restrain yourself from having a seizure.
If you want to vent your emotions, you must avoid the child and wait until the temper is vented before standing in front of the child.
2. Slow down and slow down the rate of tantrums.
When you can't help but lose your temper, try not to lose your temper right away, be sure to give yourself 10 minutes of stay buffer time, and at the same time meditate in your heart: The child is my own and biological.
Don't make any statements and actions, wait until you are calm and rational before getting along with your child.
3. Read more parenting books, understand parenting knowledge, and improve the ability to solve children's problems.
You know, all the tantrums you want to lose are not because the child gives you anger and has little to do with the child, but when you face the child's bad situation, your powerless shame becomes angry.
Knowing the strategies for dealing with your child's various problems, there is no need to lose your temper.
4. Take a deep breath and change your mind.
When you find that your child's bad condition is about to lose your temper, take a few deep breaths first, calm your emotions and then deal with it.
At the same time, from the child's point of view, from the child's point of view, the same as the child's feelings, and then guide the child to understand the serious consequences of continuing, and then lead the child out of the misunderstanding, this is "first follow the law".
5. Participate in sports and entertainment activities with colleagues and partners.
On the one hand, it can vent bad emotions in sports and entertainment activities,
On the other hand, with their own behavior, they can get the recognition and acceptance of colleagues and partners, so that their bad emotions can be dissolved in interpersonal harmony.
How to develop the ability to appreciate children?
Appreciating children means seeing their strengths and praising them more, which is also one of the high-level needs of human nature. Appreciation is essential for a person's development, especially for children.
We may wish to focus on the following three points:
First of all, we must change the psychology of picking mistakes and establish positive thinking.
If we often stare at the child's shortcomings and mistakes, it is constantly reinforcing the wrong impression, and the wrong information in the child's mind continues to solidify, and the mistakes will be more and more.
On the contrary, parents pay more attention to their children's strengths and achievements, and children will work hard in a positive direction, and eventually they will become excellent in the mouth of parents.
Second, appreciate the advantages and strengths of the child, and give the child the opportunity to show his own strengths.
Parents' appreciation will invisibly become the child's code of conduct, affect the child's psychology, change the child's view of himself, and become the driving force for the child to move forward.
Appreciate the child's advantages and strengths, let the child have the opportunity to play their own strengths and strengths, subtly affect the child, restrain the child's bad behavior, and change the child's shortcomings.
When others kindly point out the child's shortcomings, we may also wish to say the child's strengths, such as "Although the child is very naughty, the child knows politeness;
Although the child's learning is not very good, the child has been working very hard; although the child is a little introverted and timid, the child has a gentle personality and often helps others..." In this way, the child will slowly change his shortcomings while feeling praise and affirmation.
Third, learn to praise your child correctly
Four processes for praising your child:
1. State the facts.
What the child has done right, we must clearly tell the child what he is doing right, what behavior is affirmed and appreciated.
The result is that the child knows what he is being praised for and that he can continue to do it next time.
2. Confirm the value of the facts.
We want our children to know the real reason for being praised, the value of his doing so,
Thus having a correct assessment of one's own behavior and generating a sense of pride.
3. Express feelings.
We must express the emotion of being happy for the child. This feeling of being happy for your child to achieve results is a huge push that keeps things going.
4. Body language. We can also use body language, such as hugging the child, to reinforce the child's inner feelings.
Experimental experiments have shown that body language brings the strongest feelings to children.
Finally, parents change their third point: show their children a good state of self-growth.
Children are a mirror of their parents' self-growth status, and being a good parent begins with self-growth.
Parents are the best role models for children, and usually, what kind of parents will have what kind of children.
Parents do not influence the child with a certain part, but as a whole, shaping the child's present and future in the interaction with the child, so it is crucial for parents to maintain a positive and upward growth state at all times.
Jia Rongtao said in "Change Children First Change Yourself": "I will blame myself, I will not blame my children." As long as parents can really keep their hearts, the child's heart will not go far.
Any problems that occur in family education can be found in the parents, which are caused by the parents' lack of morality, lack of wisdom, and low art of speaking.
As long as parents truly understand their children and treat them well, children will repay their parents with understanding and progress. ”
In short, the transformation of parents is the key to solving children's problems, and only by changing themselves can they change their children.
Today, when the Family Education Promotion Law has just been promulgated and implemented, I hope that all of us parents will strengthen the learning of their own parent-child education, and strive to improve their ability to appreciate their children's abilities and self-growth while stabilizing their emotions, and resonate with their children and make progress together.
Author | Zheng Xinqi
Edit | Chen Yuanlong
Image | Chai Haohong
Check the | Dawn moon