Raising children is not necessarily a process of drifting away, but may be able to condense the affection of a lifetime.
I gave up on you, you can do whatever you want, I don't interfere, I have a new child, only when I didn't give birth to you.
Here are the words parents said to a 12-year-old boy.
The parents, who lived next door to my parents' house, were busy with business every morning and evening, and rarely saw the house open fire. 12-year-olds play games at home all day and do not go to school, often hearing verbal abuse from their parents at night.
Once a boy came to my house and asked, "Do you have an old mother in your house?"
My mom said: What's wrong, haven't you eaten?
The boy was a little embarrassed, saying that as long as the old mother, scooped a few spoons and said thank you, he left.
Did I say his family doesn't give money to the kids?
My mother said why not give, his family is not bad money, his mother said that he used the money to buy game equipment, so now only give the day's meal money every time. Play games day and night all day, and sometimes shout there at night.
Within a few days, his family made a big fuss, dragged the child outside the door, and said to the child: Play games every day, don't do anything, you can, I give up on you now, you can do whatever you want, I don't interfere, I have a new child, only when I didn't give birth to you.
The parents slammed the door shut, leaving only the child outside the door.
Later, I didn't see the child, and my mother said that his family had found a closed school similar to military management and sent the child according to the child.
I was wondering why the relationship between children and their parents had fallen to such a point, and if I had children, I wouldn't have done so.
As a result, although the face was late, I arrived late, and when I had the child, I also felt that the child was too rebellious to send him away, and I felt that he had come to collect a debt from me in this life, and this debt was still endless.
Every time you brush your teeth, you have to urge many times before you are willing to come over, and when you communicate with him, he never says a word, behaves rudely, contradicts his words, and completely disobeys discipline.
Sometimes I wonder if this is still the one who just smiles at me and likes to stick to my child, why can't I see through him now?
Fortunately, I found someone with the same disease, and Mike Berry, the author of "Growing Up Together: How to Win the Heart of a Child," has also encountered such difficulties, and he has now adopted twenty-three children, including a girl who wants to commit suicide because she can't stand the repetitive and unusual family environment, a girl who is abandoned without marriage, and even a boy who is caught stealing.
He also didn't understand why he, as an expert, couldn't solve his family's problems. Later, through personal practice, trial and error correction, he re-established the heart-to-heart communication between himself and the child, and established a close relationship with the child.
Mike Berry wrote his parenting experience in the book "Companion growth: how to win the heart of the child", he believes that only when you and the child to establish trust and communication, you can have an impact on them, he summarized the three core educational principles and nine parenting skills, can maximize the connection between parents and children, and through a large number of practical advice and real-life common problems and interesting stories, to help parents establish the right concept, get rid of the wrong parenting patterns, Easier and happier to accompany and communicate with children.
Many parenting books make parents and children friends, and as a result, children become more and more rebellious, and the reason is because parents lack influence and a sense of boundaries in their children's hearts. Let's take a look at what parenting mistakes we have and how we can remedy them.
First, love needs care, but also needs boundaries
I have seen a hot search on Zhihu before, because of the problem of room allocation, the little daughter destroyed all the clothes, toys, quilts, etc. in her sister's room, and her parents did not say anything, and even ran away from home.
Many people say that the younger daughter is not psychologically ill, but I think that the love of parents has no boundaries. The so-called "what is not obtained is always in turmoil, and the favored are fearless", only the favored child is ignorant and fearless, because she knows that her parents have no boundaries in their love for themselves, and they will not punish her.
Many times parents are bound by strict rules because of their own growth, so they are unwilling to say "no" to their children from an early age, nor are they willing to punish their children, for fear that their children will have resentment against themselves, and when the children enter the adolescence, they immediately ask them to be sensible, if they deviate from the right track, they immediately force suppression and roughly implement the boundaries they have set.
You say that children can not rebel, with a lyric is "I gave you freedom over the fire", you think that the child will one day be moved and understand, the result is that the child is more and more rebellious.
In this society, there are boundaries everywhere, you have to obey the traffic lights when driving, you have to take the sidewalk when you walk, and if there is no border, the whole society is chaotic, so the boundary does not mean that it is a constraint, it is also a protection mechanism.
Including children, each of us needs a sense of boundaries, so is it only possible to strictly practice border awareness and impose punishment? Of course not, the author believes that setting boundaries with love is the most effective.
First, put into action, right now. Many parents feel that there are no boundaries set when their children are young, and it is not too late. In fact, it is not too late, it is nothing more than encountering a little more challenges, requiring a little more patience, to know that if you do not set boundaries in time, as you grow older, the probability of children deviating from the right track will only increase.
Second, explain why. Many parents like to be dictators, just like the holy will to set a boundary, when the child asks the reason, will only use "said you do not understand, anyway is for your own good" perfunctory past. The child is not involved and does not know the reason, naturally procrastinating, once punished, there will certainly be many complaints.
We may wish to sit down with the child to communicate the content of the boundary, the reasons for its formulation and the consequences of the violation, through words and actions to let the child recognize from the heart that the parents set this boundary for his own good, so that there will naturally be no rebellious emotions in the implementation process.
Third, put it into practice and persevere. Once the boundary is set, it should be implemented unremittingly, otherwise it is a disguised way to tell the child that this boundary does not matter. In addition, in the child's execution process, it is impossible to comply with it every time, this time to communicate with the child about your expectations of him, and then through continuous positive feedback on the correct behavior to motivate the child to abide by the boundary.
Of course, when a child violates the boundary, he must abide by the previous agreement to punish, sometimes severe love is also a kind of love, and a healthy way of education also needs this kind of love.
Children need loving care, but also need healthy and beneficial border protection, healthy and beneficial boundaries can make children a free individual, but also keep them away from danger, to ensure their safety.
Second, pay equal attention to generosity and refuse to be friends
If our parents of the previous generation are dictators and like to be commanders, then our generation of parents prefer to be friends with their children, and even many parenting books encourage parents to be friends with their children, do not care about the child's attitude, words, behavior, etc., always maintain a good mood and the child is friendly, the child is happy is the most important.
But this kind of thinking ignores that our first principle as parents is to be a parent, and it is necessary to set a good example for children in life, to ensure their safety, to instill good character in them, and to guide them to the right path. And you can't use the relationship of friends to sacrifice all boundary awareness and guidance, just for the child's happiness.
When we make friends with our children, it means giving up our own authoritative identity, we can create an authoritative figure in the family that exists in real life, and let the child adapt to the setbacks in society in advance, but now there is none, which will make the child form an unrealistic expectation that everyone can become friends. In the real world, no matter where you are, there is an authoritative figure around you, or a boss, or a teacher, they cannot be friends with their children, and once the children encounter setbacks in the outside world, they will be heartbroken and decadent.
Lu Xun has a very classic saying, the meaning of the existence of parents is not to give children a comfortable and rich life, but when you dislike your parents, your heart is full of strength, you will feel warm, so that you have the courage and ability to overcome difficulties! Thus gain the true joy and freedom of life.
The highest state of love is to allow us to be friends with our children, but we must not forget our primary duty as parents.
Third, grasp the end of the time and give children unconditional love
You wash a dish, the husband says I love you so much, you wash a dress, the husband also says I love you so much, once you don't do housework, the husband doesn't say he loves you, at this time you will not suspect that the husband is because you do housework to say I love you, to put it bluntly, his love is not simple, with conditions.
Similarly, when a child scores high, the parents will say "You are awesome, your mother loves you too much", and once the score is low or makes a mistake, it will be degraded in various ways. In this case, the child will also feel that your love for it is conditional, and only when it performs well will you love it, and once it is not good, the love will disappear.
Some people say that when a child makes a mistake, I also express that I love it, which will only make it worse, and even use this unconditional love as an exoneration gold medal.
Is this really the case?
One of the children mike Berry adopted had fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, and one day the other children were sleeping, and he still didn't sleep, and he had to eat and drink, and by ten o'clock, the parents were no longer providing food. The child got angry and ripped off the souvenir ornaments on the Christmas tree, and prepared to get the heirloom ornaments that his parents had passed down for five generations.
Mike Berry was about to be unable to sit still, he felt the anger of a volcano and was about to get up to reprimand the child when his wife sent him an email:
Don't respond to this behavior. He breaks everything, we can all replace, everything doesn't matter.
Well said, I thought so, what about those grandma's heirloom jewelry
We have to be indifferent to his actions, he wants us to react, but we are not.
When they don't react at all, the child stops, and Mike Berry tells the child that he can choose to stop and have a seizure, and we're happy, and then cash in on the consequences and let the child clean everything up.
Later, they reflected on this matter and found that the parents' tone, reaction, and words would determine whether the child's behavior deteriorated or returned to calm, and would also affect the way the child treated himself, and they believed that the trick of "staying calm and firm" was suitable for all parents.
The way we deal with our children's mistakes is actually to send them a message, that is, how we see them, and our reactions when children are struggling with humanity, will also leave a mark on the children and accompany them until adulthood.
When parents correct their children's mistakes and guide them to admonish, words and actions, wind and rain, loving affirmations, children feel your affirmation and love for them, and naturally respond accordingly.
So when your child is not performing well, you try to ask yourself if you care for it and are willing to accept it no matter what happens.
Of course, want to let the child understand that you have always loved him, it is not an easy thing, we often want to complete the work quickly to concentrate on a period of time to accompany the child, it turns out that the work still occupies our leisure time, especially now that the information is developed, many people are basically 24 hours off the line.
Jonah and Newow in the book "Raising Children Beyond Reach" said: As a family, long time together, or good times are not what you want, and accumulating good times is the right way.
It is good to have a long holiday with children, but the end of life in daily life is also indispensable, when we gather countless micro-time, accompany children, listen to their hearts, children can naturally feel the love of parents in this long stream of life.
For example, sending your child to school in the morning, or going with your child to pick up a courier. These small things may be frequently talked about when the child grows up, which is comparable to those major events in life.
Adler said that happy people use childhood to heal a lifetime, and unfortunate people use a lifetime to heal childhood. Grasping the last days of daily life to accompany children, interact with children, give them unconditional love, and grow up in this environment that does not lack love, is the luck of children's lives.
If you have failed in the past, please do not blame yourself, because educating your children is always learning lessons, and it is endless, what you have to do is to focus on the present, praise the results of the child, praise the child for coming out of failure, seek the child's understanding, show them how to understand others, tell them the meaning of doing so, this is a powerful measure for parents to influence the child.
Some people say that raising children is a process of gradual distancing, but in the book "Companionship Growth: How to Win the Heart of the Child", through the author's hands-on practice, parents tell parents that winning the heart of the child through companionship is not necessarily the process of gradually drifting away, and perhaps establishing a positive relationship with the child for a lifetime, and this relationship is the best legacy you leave to the child.