Tip 1 Listen intently to what your child is saying
Tip 2 Use words such as "Oh", "um", "I know" to identify with your child's feelings
Tip 3 Express your child's feelings in appropriate words
Tip 4 Satisfy your child's wishes with the help of imagination
Considerations for applying tips
1. Children usually resent adults for repeating their words unchanged.
For example:
The child said: I don't like David now.
Parents say: You don't like David now.
The child said: This is what I just said.
The child may be more likely to hear less parrot-like responses, such as:
What's wrong with David that makes you unhappy?
or:
It sounds like you're disgusted with David.
2. Some children don't like to talk to others when they are unhappy. For such a child, having parents around is enough comfort.
A mother told us about one time when she walked into the living room and saw her ten-year-old daughter lying on the couch with tears on her face. The mother sat down beside her, put her hands around her, and said softly: What happened? Then sat quietly with her for 5 minutes, and finally, her daughter sighed and said: Thank you Mom, I am much better. The mother never knew what had happened, but she knew that the wordless comfort she had brought to her daughter must have helped, because an hour later she heard her humming a little song in her room.
3. When children express their strong feelings to their parents, if the parents' reaction is silent at this time, some children will feel very disgusted.
A teenage girl in our parent seminar told us that one afternoon she came home very angry because one of her best friends had betrayed her and revealed a very private secret to her. She told her mom about it, but her mom just commented, "You're angry." The girl said she couldn't help but sneer back: "You know." ”
We asked her what she wanted her mom to say to her? She thought for a moment and replied, "It's not about what you say, it's about how you say it." My mom seemed to be talking about the feelings of someone she didn't care about at all, and I think I wanted her to show me that she fully understood me. If she said something like, 'Oh, Cindy, you must have hated her to death,' then I would have felt her understanding. ”
4. If the parent's reaction is too strong, beyond the child's level of feeling, it is not good.
example:
The teenager said: Steve made me wait at the intersection for half an hour, and then made up a nonsense.
Mother said: This is so bad! How could he do such a thing to you? He is completely unconsidered and irresponsible. You'll never want to see him again.
Perhaps the teenager had never imagined to treat his friends so fiercely, or to take such a strong measure of revenge. As for his disgust at his friend's behavior, it might be enough for his mother to snort or nod to show her understanding and sympathy for him. His mother's strong reaction only increased his burden, and he still has to deal with his mother's problems!
5) Children sometimes say they are "stupid" or "not pretty", but parents should not repeat these words.
If a child tells you that they are "stupid" or "not pretty" or "too fat," parents should not respond by saying, "Oh, you think you're stupid," or "Oh, you really don't think you're pretty." "When a child belittles himself, we can't follow him and repeat his views. We can accept our child's pain without repeating these derogatory words.
The child said: The teacher said that we only need to spend 15 minutes every night doing math homework, but I spent a whole hour, I must be very stupid.
Parents say: Sometimes it takes longer than we expected to get a job done, which can be disappointing.
The child said: I must be ugly when I laugh, and the braces are all exposed. I'm not pretty at all.
Parents say: I know you don't like the way you wear braces. I know it may not work for me to say anything, but I still want you to know that with or without braces, you're just as cute to me!
By this point, you may have realized that dealing with your child's emotions is an art, not a science. Based on years of observation, we believe that through continuous experimentation, parents can master this art. Depending on your child's specific situation, slowly you will figure out what will help him and what will not help him. With practice, you will soon learn what will disgust your child and what will bring comfort to your child; what will create estrangement and what will enhance understanding; what will leave scars and what will heal the wounds. Remember: nothing can replace a sensitive heart.
Parents and friends, let's do a feeling exercise
Now that you know that there are four techniques for dealing with your child's noise, you have mastered the precautions in use. But more important than words is our attitude. If it is not out of true feelings, then no matter what we say, the child feels only hypocrisy and control. Only when our words are filled with genuine compassion can our words touch the hearts of children.
Among the four techniques introduced earlier, the most difficult is probably to listen carefully to the child's venting, and then express the child's feelings in appropriate words. To accurately understand how the child feels, we must first have a clear understanding of what the child is saying, and then guess the true meaning behind these words on this basis, which can only be done through a lot of practice and a high degree of concentration. At the same time, it is important that we give our children a vocabulary list of their inner worlds. When they can express their inner feelings in words, they can start helping themselves.
Here are 6 sentences that a child may say to his parents, please read each sentence and complete the following work: (Leave 30 seconds for each space to think and fill in)
1. Write one or two words to describe how your child feels at this time.
2. Write down a sentence you might say to your child to show that you understand his feelings.
For example:
The kid said, "The driver yelled at me and everybody laughed at me."
Child's feelings: loss of face, embarrassment.
Your feelings and reactions: That must be a shame. (Or: Sounds like a disgrace.) )
Question 1: The child said, "I really want to punch Mike in the nose!"
How the child feels: ________
Your feelings and reactions: ______
Question 2. The child said, "Just because of the little rain, our teacher said we couldn't go on an outing." She's so stupid. ”
3． The child said, "Mary invited me to her party, but I don't know..."
4． The child said, "I really don't understand why the teacher has to leave us so much homework on weekends!"
5． The kid said, "We're practicing basketball today, but I didn't throw a single ball."
6． The kid said, "Jenny is moving away, she's my best friend."
Have you noticed? If you want your child to know how you understand his feelings at this time, how much thought you have to put into it, how much effort you have to put in! The following words are the reference answers to the 6 exercises just now. For most people, these words may feel unnatural:
"Oh, you sound so angry!"
"Then you must be disappointed, right?"
"Well, as for whether to go to that party or not, you seem to be a little hesitant."
"It sounds like you're really disgusted with so much homework."
"Alas, that must have been very frustrating!"
"It's really sad that a good friend moved away."
However, only such words can bring comfort to the child, can the child calm down, and then begin to face their problems. (By the way, don't worry about using words that are too esoteric.) The best way to learn a new word is to listen to others use it. )
Parents and friends, let's repeat the previous exercises,
See if you've improved
Kid: I hate my birthday party (and you've done everything you can to make it a happy day)
Parents: (Accepting this feeling) ______
Child: I don't want to wear braces anymore, it hurts me. I don't care what the dentist says!
Child: me! Just because I was two minutes late, the teacher threw me out of the gymnastics team.