Hello everyone, I'm Mommy.
The other day I saw a video that made people's blood pressure soar.
One mother said that because her daughter turned off a piece of heating, the child's father threw beef on the ground for her daughter to eat.
I don't know what dad is doing this for. For education? To vent your anger? Or is it just to trample on the dignity of your daughter?
But from any point of view, I can't agree.
What's even more heart-wrenching is that many parents have done similar things.
When children make mistakes, or even if they are not mistakes at all, they must be educated by their parents with dignity.
How can such an undisguised approach to education succeed?
01
I've seen too many parents who don't treat their children as "people".
This kind of parent loves their children and really treats their children well.
But there is only one thing: in their eyes, children have no self and do not need to be respected.
I know that there is a topic on the topic that a friend brings a child to the house as a guest, and when he leaves, he takes a few toys, and my child resists and keeps crying, how to enlighten?
One of the high praise answers is particularly wonderful, and it is a good illustration of the mentality of this type of parent.
The answerer's name was Lulu.
When he was a child, his father bought Lu Lu a set of the world's top ten series of books, with pictures and texts, and Lu Lu especially liked it.
Once Lu Lu's mother's friend brought her baby to her home as a guest, Lu Lu took out her favorite set of books and took the child to read it together.
As a result, when the child wanted to leave, he directly took the book and asked Lulu's mother: "Auntie, can I take this book back to see?" ”
The next thing, I think everyone can guess.
That's right.
The mother did not ask Lu Lu's opinion at all, and directly replied: "Yes, it is given to you." ”
By the time LuLu reacted, the person was already out.
Seeing that her favorite things were given away by her mother in vain, Lu Lu broke down and cried.
As a result, her mother said to her disapprovingly: "What are you crying, you don't still have so many books, give her a copy, she opened her mouth to me." ”
Hearing this sentence, Lu Lu did not grievance alone, but directly ran to the balcony and threw downstairs a pot of flowers that her mother loved the most (now it is illegal to throw objects at high altitude, don't imitate it).
"Don't you still have so many potted flowers, what's wrong with throwing one?" Now you know what it's like, right? ”
Seeing LuLu's fierce resistance, her mother was stunned.
Later, in order to understand the hatred, Lu Lu also ran to the aunt's house to copy the contents of the back of the book, although the aunt repeatedly wanted to return the book to Lu Lu, but she did not want it, but just copied the book by herself.
In the end, the aunt was completely out of the way, and called Lulu's mother and asked her to take her daughter home.
But that's all a story.
In short, after this incident, my mother never took matters into her own hands anymore, and casually gave LuLu's things to others.
Because of her daughter's words and deeds, she realized that although children are young, they have their own needs and ideas like adults.
Many parents do not deliberately live with their children, but they are born not to treat their children as an equal person. So there is no sense of respect for the child, just like Lulu's mother at the beginning.
It's just that When Lu Lu was a child, she had a wild nature and knew how to resist, which won the respect of her parents.
How many grievances have those children who dare to be angry, dare not speak out, or even dare not be angry at all, endure? How much do parents know?
02
Psychological research has found that children who are not respected by their parents will become more and more inferior, and they will also become a sensitive and suspicious person.
Growing up surrounded by inferiority and doubt, it is easy to have psychological problems.
The other day I went to the hospital to visit a friend, her name is Xiao Xue, who recently suffered from bipolar disorder , a common mental disorder that combines manic episodes with depressive episodes (typical features). Treatment is currently being received.
Among outsiders, Xiao Xue is a "excellent" girl in all aspects, and people are also obedient and sensible.
She graduated with a master's degree in 985, work has a preparation, and soon after graduation, she married the blind date arranged by her parents, the two families were right, and her husband was also very good to her.
With a stable career, a happy family, and humility, Xiao Xue can be said to be a "winner in life" who will not make people jealous.
So after learning that she was ill, many friends around her were puzzled, her life was so smooth and beautiful, why did she still have mental problems?
I think of one of our previous conversations, when she told me that she had been in pain.
From childhood to adulthood, Xiao Xue lived according to the opinions of his parents.
Good academic performance, work to test the teacher, marriage to get married early, children to have two... Xiao Xue's parents kept setting the trajectory of her life and never paid attention to Xiao Xue's thoughts.
The big things in the family, Xiao Xue has never had the right to speak. Because Xiao Xue "is a child and doesn't understand anything."
Xiao Xue occasionally contradicted his parents, but they were all silenced by the sentence "You were born and raised by me, will I harm you?"
"Growing up, I felt like an unimportant person, and I couldn't do anything."
"It's useless to resist, so I learned to be obedient, and my parents were right about anything."
"I hate my current self, I feel so tired to live because I don't know what I want."
……
That day, Xiao Xue said a lot and shed a lot of tears.
I was particularly distressed by her.
Children are not the "possessions" of their parents, they have thoughts and are more self-sufficient.
Parents think clearly about this, and children will not be as painful as Xiao Xue.
Comedian Lai Mingjia is a girl who grew up with the respect of her parents.
In the "Interview with Beijing Youth x Liangzi", Lai Mingjia introduced that from childhood to adulthood, he made many decisions that his parents did not approve of.
However, her parents only gave her detailed advice each time and did not ask her what to do.
What is more valuable is that when parents plan to do something, they will also seek Lai Mingjia's opinion, discuss and vote within the family before making a decision.
Lai Mingjia, who is respected by her parents, has understood from an early age that she needs to bravely express her views and fight for the right to speak.
As she grew, she became more confident and sober.
When the director "suggested" to go for plastic surgery more than once, Although Lai Mingjia understood the director's ideas, she did not obey.
There is no appearance anxiety and arrogance.
Instead, it's turning to comedy markets that don't need beauty actresses, and show off their talents as well.
When others say that "girls can find a boyfriend if they are virtuous" and "girls should find a boyfriend to rely on early", Lai Mingjia directly said that she would not cater to others, let alone rely on others.
Because she is independent enough and strong enough.
It can be seen that children who are respected by their parents will not easily lose themselves.
Children who are respected by their parents can not only learn to respect others, but also learn to respect themselves.
03
The word respect is simple to say, but if it is put on children, many people may not grasp the scale well.
As parents, how can we respect our children?
It's not that hard. Just think of the child as an equal, thoughtful person.
If you want to talk about respect in a little more detail, you may wish to look at a letter written by Huang Yi to her 10-year-old daughter.
The words not only convey the mother's most sincere love for the child, but also explain the best respect of parents for their children.
(Swipe up and down on the image to see the full content)
From the perspective of her mother, Huang Yixian blessed her daughter's growth, and told her that the more she grew up, the more responsibilities she had, and hoped that her daughter could take on the responsibility of her own life.
It is respectful of the child's growth.
Next, Huang Yi told her daughter that her mother could not experience the bittersweet and bittersweet of life for her, but could only give her more security and confidence.
It is to respect the personality of the child.
In the end, Huang Yi put herself and her daughter on an equal footing, one being a mother for the first time and a daughter for the first time.
Both people need to keep learning, grow together, and be grateful to each other.
It's about respecting the child's ego.
From this letter, it can be seen that Huang Yi not only regards her daughter as an equal person and respects her.
At the same time, she is also accompanying her daughter to grow up as a mother.
She always stands half a step behind her daughter to escort her children and ensure that the general direction of her daughter's life is not wrong.
Do not regard children as their "appendages" and "possessions"; do not force or ignore them.
Respecting children, it's not that hard.
Finally, share a passage from Zhou Guoping in "How We Be Parents" to each parent:
"If you cherish your childhood, you must also respect your child's childhood.
When your child is playing carefree, don't bother him with what you see as serious.
When a child weaves beautiful dreams, don't correct him with the reality in your eyes.
As Gibran said: The child comes through you, but he does not belong to you; you can give him love, but you cannot give him ideas, because he has his own ideas. ”
Light up "watching" and remind yourself that the first step in education is always respect.