Two days ago, I brushed up on a study that made me feel good, saying that between young siblings, skirmishes can reach 56 times per hour.
I don't know how much credibility this data is, but I feel quite healed: it turns out that the daily tearing of my two babies is completely within the normal range.
Throughout the winter vacation, my family's two children are together, all in this style:
CC takes a thing, DD wants, CC doesn't give, DD cries, CC roars.
DD took a thing, CC grabbed it, DD cried, CC roared.
Grab snacks, grab toys, a piece of in the other person's hand is also fragrant, the whole winter vacation, the competition between children seems to never have a head.
Every time DD cried, Grandma couldn't help but say CC:
"DD is small and doesn't understand things, you're older, governor, just let some brothers!"
CC will always say a word back: "Why should the big one let the small one?" I'm also small! It was him..."
I have written an article specifically about the eccentricity of the second child before, and there is a sentence that impresses:
"95% of parents are eccentric, and the remaining 5% are just unwilling to admit it."
The first misunderstanding in the second-child family is "excessive neglect of the treasure", if it is ignored for a long time, the child will always remember that he is not the "first choice" of his parents, and he will be insecure for life.
Obviously, forcing the boss to let the second brother make him have the feeling of "not the favorite of his parents", and those with a weaker personality will affect their sense of security; those with a stronger personality will become more rebellious.
My big C belongs to the latter, fighting with grandma, that is, the more frustrated and courageous ah~
In addition, this practice is also very unfavorable to the growth of the second eldest.
My girlfriend once complained to me:
"Because I often let the boss let the second brother, now I find that the second and the boss have a little problem, I look for adults to help, I don't have the ability to deal with the problem, the relationship between the two children is also particularly poor, the boss scolds the second brother every day to 'sue the fine'." What's more serious is that parents at home can also intervene, but they can't do it outside, and those who have a slight dispute with other children will only call their mothers. ”
The boss can still be forced to let go, but outsiders are really doing it!
The second eldest who has been favored for a long time, under the protection of adults, will only ask for help and help from the outside world when encountering difficulties, and has not developed his combat effectiveness at all, which is also very terrible!
In Traditional Chinese Education, humility is a virtue, but humility should be a benign interaction, to "let" the heart willing, "received" with gratitude, rather than one party swallowing anger and the other party being arrogant.
Parents have no right to demand that the big give way to the small, nor do they have the right to favor and help either side.
Therefore, when CC scares Grandma, I will stand CC: "Yes, the pull frame can not look at the size, have to see right or wrong!" ”
With that said, I'm not sure if CC's sense of security has been established, but it is clear that CC is becoming more and more unyielding, and the result is that the competition between the two has a great "burning potential", with higher frequency and stronger intensity.
The whole family is either putting out the fire every day, or on the way to extinguish the fire.
The problem is, you can't say "the big should let the small", how should this fire be extinguished?
Looking at my grandmother's mournful eyes and enduring round after round of squeaks, I interviewed the second-born mother around me and collected some effective coping plans.
It can attack jade, and some of it have been used by me in actual combat, which is very practical, and I will share it with you.
"Don't rob it, I confiscated it" - Qianqian's mother
When the two grabbed the toy, it was not very serious, scrambling for a few rounds, if the internal can be solved, I will not care, let it go.
If I get into a state of anxiety, I will stand up: "Everything in our house is mine, and I bought it to make you happy." Now that neither of you is happy, then neither am I. Don't rob you, I confiscate it. ”
After a while, I'll ask, "Can I give you back the toy now, can you have fun playing together?" "Normally, the two will nod their heads like garlic and then reconcile as before.
This method of Qianqian's mother is very useful to my family.
The previous "pretending to be deaf and dumb" is necessary, just like the saying "let the bullet fly for a while".
Although DD is easy to cry, I still warn the whole family not to go up as soon as you cry, and don't respond to every request.
I didn't cry for help, I couldn't help it; I cried and asked for help, didn't judge, didn't take a stand, and showed them how to solve it, but didn't personally go out.
Deal with the dispute between two children, do not want to follow the butt for years or even decades to wipe the shit, then teach people to fish early.
For example, cc play toys, DD grab, CC does not give, DD cried and complained: "Sister does not play for me."
I will not stand CC: "Sister is playing, you don't grab". This will make CC feel more reasonable and more unyielding.
I also don't stand on DD: "You let him play, he plays enough to pay you back". -----------------
I would only tell DD how to communicate: "You want to play, don't you?" But the sister is playing Oh, you have to ask the next sister is not OK, if you can, you can wait. ”
But he has to communicate and solve it by himself, and I am not responsible for the consequences.
Face DD poor Baba: "Can I play?" ”
CC90% will be soft and say yes, 10% will say no, but the consequence is that DD wow wow crying helpless no one to help, she will change her mouth: "I will finish playing for you immediately" or "then you play quickly to me".
In fact, children are kind, and sometimes it is the persecution of adults that makes them show their sharp edge.
The two babies have a conflict, instead of rushing up to mediate, it is better to give them time and let them try to solve it internally first, which is a kind of training for the social coping skills of both parties, and it is also the best way to solve the conflict between the two babies.
The "confiscation law" in the back is also good, and the two have a chance to calm down and will actively find ways to "seek common ground while reserving differences."
"Don't say 'I,' change the word" – Cow Cow Mother
There is a rule in my family: when two people play together, it is forbidden to say the word "I", only "we".
The two babies snatched things, and in most cases, first a verbal battle, and then escalated into a physical battle.
If I say "this is mine" or "I take it first", I will remind you: "Take 'I' back and say it again." ”
Usually, they refuse to say "we", but they can't think of other good alternative words, and no one can have an advantage in speech, so they can't fight.
This method of cow cow mother is also very useful.
It's just that after trying it out at home, it's a bit of a one-sided reference to CC. CC can abide by the rules, DD does not follow the routine at all, will only mess around.
I decided to save it first and use it after the DD language ability is a little stronger, and the effect should be better.
"Fight, fight, fight more intensely" - Mother Beanie
As soon as my two children have a spearhead of contention, I will play a fine role, pose a flag waving and shouting, and say exaggeratedly:
"Fight, fight, fight more intensely. I'm ready to send anyone who is injured to the hospital."
Maybe because the attention was diverted, or because they were frightened by the injury and sent to the hospital, the two babies would take the initiative to strike and peace for a few hours.
This radical method is also useful, because at this moment, you have become an outsider watching the jokes of the two people.
The two of us fight very hard, why let you see the joke? Let's not fight!
"You two are the closest people" - Momo
I have a little story that I've told many times, which probably means something like this:
Before you met Mom and Dad, the two of you were very good friends. Before you two reincarnated, you agreed: Let's go to a house and find a pair of mom and dad, so that we can continue to be together.
Every time I tell this story, the kids ask a lot of questions, and I'll add a lot of details.
For example, why find a mom and dad? I would say, "Brothers and sisters, you'll spend the longest time together!" ”
So why didn't we come to Mom and Dad together? I would say, "At that time, my brother was sleepy and wanted to sleep for a while, and my sister came first." The sister would sigh, "My brother is really a sleepy ghost, and he loves to sleep so much that he has caused me to wait for several years." ”
Obviously, the little story of Momo Mom, with a little magical color, is much more useful than the false big empty truth of "you two should love each other".
Faith is the oldest medicine in human history.
You believe in it and it works.
This rather magical operation, I tried it down is not bad, of course, DD this stunned youth does not understand, at least CC listening, see DD's look is much softer, you may wish to try.
The situation is different for each family, and the methods that may apply are different.
However, to deal with disputes between the two children, I think it is better to grasp these three principles:
01 Let the two children compete fairly
The world of children has their own rules, and under the premise of ensuring safety, we should let two children communicate and compete freely.
After all, when you go out of the house, no one will let you go because you are young, or you will listen to you when you are old, and children need this kind of social training.
02 Forever let two children in "one country"
When two children clash, we should not stand in the middle and evaluate who is right and who is wrong, so that they are artificially divided into two camps and are in a state of hostility.
Let them be in the same camp at any time, scold two people together, punish two people together, this is much more useful than verbal education "you should support each other".
03 Don't praise the second boss in front of the boss and the boss
The ancients paid attention to: the elder and the young are orderly and cannot be disordered.
We do not engage in feudal superstition, but countless examples have proved that in the family, the boss will always spontaneously assume more responsibilities, and the second boss will have natural trust and dependence on the boss.
This is because in the common life, the elder will instinctively take care of the younger brothers and sisters, and the second will instinctively take the older brothers and sisters as an example.
Therefore, when educating children, do not criticize the boss in front of the second elder, in fact, it is to help the boss establish authority, so that she is more responsible, willing to take the initiative to take care of and humble the second.
Nor can you deliberately praise the second eldest in order to provoke the boss, which will also shake the authority of the boss, the boss feels that he is not as good as the child who is younger than himself, the face is dull, and the second is used as a tool.
C Mom says:
A poet once said, "Brothers and sisters are snowflakes in the sky, frozen into ice, turned into water, and never separated." ”
The people who accompany us the longest in our lives are not parents, not lovers, but brothers and sisters.
Whether siblings end up falling in love or killing each other depends largely on whether parents can help their children find a balance in their relationship.
On the way to the mother of the second child, let's continue to practice together! Home has a good way to deal with the dispute of the second child, quick message area to share it ~