Source: BGI Mother & Baby (BGI_baby)
In the vast world, there are no wonders, and there are always some people who are so strange that people are very powerless.
Someone on the Little Red Book sent a message asking for help: A little girl in the community stole a piece of cake from my mother-in-law, and her mother even threatened to report it to warn me.
Here's the thing:
The poster's mother-in-law took her grandson to play in the community, and did not pay attention in the process of coaxing her grandson, and the osmanthus cake she made was picked up and eaten by a little girl next to her.
The old man did not take it seriously, and did not expect that then the little girl's mother was angry in the owner group, asking who gave the girl a snack?
This mother first satirized the osmanthus cake as a "great benevolent person" and "dare to do it".
Then he asked the owner why he gave her daughter osmanthus cake, and forced him to ask about the ingredients of the osmanthus cake.
Looking at this yin and yang weird, I thought that others coaxed the child to eat expired osmanthus cake, and gave people a disease, and the mother was angry to find the "murderer".
As a result, the child didn't have anything to do.
And the fact is not that the owner's mother-in-law took the initiative to give the neighbor little girl a pastry, but the little girl took (stole) the pastry to eat, and the grandmother did not blame the little girl, and kindly asked her if she wanted to drink water, and the little girl said that she did not drink and then walked away.
It turned out that the reason why this mother was so angry was because she felt that homemade osmanthus cake = junk food, after all, what her daughter ate every day was imported organic food bought by OLE.
Other owners felt that the girl's mother was too radical, and couldn't help but say a few words for the owner, but they didn't expect that the girl's mother's combat effectiveness was explosive, and it was a twitter output.
Finally, 6 exclamation points were used consecutively to ask the property to adjust the monitoring, saying that it was necessary to speak with facts.
Unexpectedly, the punch in the face came too quickly, and the surveillance camera of the community clearly captured that the osmanthus cake was taken by the little girl herself.
It's actually very clear at this point, but this mother's commotion is really wave after wave.
She first turned back to her daughter and asked her fiercely: Was it the mother-in-law who let you eat cakes?
Although the child was very scared, he still trembled and cried and said that there really was not.
Then I turned around and pushed the responsibility to the property: why the security guard did not protect the children in the community, we must give an explanation.
Rao is a well-informed property has never seen such a figure, can only tell her, can not give, call the police.
Then the girl's mother really called the police, and the police listened to the same speechlessness and directly called her husband.
Fortunately, this husband is a normal person, separated his wife and daughter, apologized to the owner, the property and the police, and wrote a letter of guarantee that the health of the child has nothing to do with the neighbor's family and the property, and will not harass them again, and the whole thing finally ends here.
Neighbours, the property, and even other owners were able to restore calm to life.
But there is one person whose dilemma will not be solved with the end of the matter, and that is the girl.
01
The stronger the parent, the more disobedient the child is
The girl's mother can swear at the beginning that her daughter "will never eat anything from strangers", probably in front of her, the little girl is very, very well-behaved, not to mention stealing, it is estimated that even others will share food with her, it is estimated that she will refuse.
But once the mother is not there, the little girl completely changes her appearance, which is "upbringing", which is just a deep fear of the mother.
As the girl grows, her sense of self will become stronger and stronger, but in her mother's eyes, these self-thoughts and behaviors are "not obedient, disobedient", and may even feel that there must be bad people around to "teach" the daughter, so as to further strengthen the guardianship of the daughter and control her life and social environment.
Finally, what kind of relationship will become between the grown-up girl and the mother?
Psychologist Zeng Qifeng said: "There are no rebellious children, only rebellious parents." ”
The sudden rebellion is just enough dissatisfaction with the parents, and it is a long-suppressed catharsis.
Wang Meng, a graduate of Peking University and a master's degree in the United States, once gave a detailed account and "accusation" of the psychological harm caused by his parents' excessive control over him from childhood to adulthood with painful strokes:
Since childhood, he was locked up at home by his mother and was not allowed to go out to play.
Mom likes to do everything, and the control of him is implemented to eat, dress, and which school to go to.
The friends around me are all known or understood by their parents.
After being admitted to Peking University, he also failed to get rid of the control of his parents. The family entrusted relatives to "take care" of Wang Meng, constantly calling him, and even quietly contacting his classmates to understand everything about him at school.
Even if he went to the United States to study graduate school, this kind of "care" has been chased to the other side of the ocean, which makes Wang Meng feel deeply suffocated.
In the end, Wang Meng broke up with his parents, did not return for the Spring Festival in 12 years, and blocked his parents for 6 years.
Many years later, the only time he went home was to get a replacement ID card and get the household registration book, and he only stayed at home for 10 minutes, and he did not want to stay with his parents for a moment.
The more a parent tries to keep his child in place, the more desperately he struggles to escape.
When control becomes the only means for parents to love their children, the home is reduced to a secret arena of competition.
In this power struggle, parents are bent on winning their children, but they also lose their children.
The child is like a spring, if the parents just blindly suppress him and control him, they may initially achieve the expected effect, but when the spring is pressed to the limit, the child is bound to flee with greater explosive force.
02
Give choice
It is the most basic respect that parents give their children
"Strange Story" has a program: if you can customize the perfect life for your children with one click, do you want to customize it?
Many people will say without thinking, of course.
As a parent, the ultimate purpose of hard work and stammering is not to let the child have a life that is infinitely perfect?
But have you ever wondered what is perfect? Are the standards of this era eternal?
In the 1960s, when the steel mill stood up and was in full swing to "smash pots and sell iron to build a new society", parents believed that it was a perfect life for their children to enter the steel mill, bathe and drink milk and study.
If parents press a button for their children in that environment to perfect life, they will not dream of -
Later, the system changed, a large number of workers were forced to lay off silently, and the cauldron of rice ceased to exist.
In that generation, the first people who were forced to find a way out outside the system became the later real estate tycoons and pearl river delta manufacturing tycoons, and their children became today's "rich second generation", which is the pride of the times in a sense.
Therefore, do not use our past experience to limit the future development of children.
Debater Huang Zhizhong said: "What is a perfect life? That is, at all times of life, always keep as many choices as possible. ”
Returning the choice to the child is the most basic respect for them.
When Yi Nengjing participated in "City of Illusions", she revealed that she once had a quarrel with her son Harry, because she wanted her children to learn screenwriting, but Harry wanted to learn editing.
Yi Nengjing analyzed the pros and cons as a person who came over, but Harry retorted, "You use what you know to tell me, how do you know that what you know is all, and you have not been to my future." ”
Yi Neng listened quietly, like a blow to the head.
She began to respect the child's choice, let him try, as long as the child wants, he can learn to write lyrics, songs, draw, dance, make short films, write novels, design costumes, stage plays...
Yi Nengjing only assisted Harry in solving the difficult situation he encountered when he needed help; when Harry failed and lost, he gave him emotional comfort.
But there is no limit to his direction, let him try and make mistakes.
In the end, Harry also repaid his mother's trust with a score of no less than A.
Therefore, to give children a choice, not to shout empty slogans, but to empower. When a person can make decisions for his own life, he will know how to take responsibility.
Parents' "letting go" is not completely laissez-faire, but "reassurance + assistance"
The heart must be let go and the hand must be helped, so it is called letting go.
There is a saying in the book "Teaching No Matter What Is Better Discipline" that the most difficult part of "teaching no matter what" is that we must subconsciously eliminate the concept of "the child is my appendage, and I have to take care of the child's affairs".
Letting go of excess protective desire and accepting that children will eventually leave us is a compulsory lesson in the life of every parent.
Parenting is not control, please have less control and more freedom and choice.
Love Him as He is, not as you wish.
BGI Mother and Baby (BGI_baby) is the world's largest genomics research center, the well-known medical testing institution "BGI Gene" under the mother and baby public account, daily push scientific and reliable pregnancy, babybirth, parenting knowledge, to help your baby healthy birth, happy growth.