The Seventh Division said
There are two ways to achieve happiness, changing intrinsic values or external environmental assets. The former is readily available but depressing, while the latter is exhilarating but anxious. Human pleasure is like a walker through the desert, bring enough water, and then go find water!
Teacher Xu:
In the previous verse we mentioned that people are concerned about hunger and thirst, and people's attention to hunger and thirst is either physical or mental.
Physical hunger and thirst, when we are young, can be obtained through the hugs and touches of our parents, or a beating, a slap, etc. to be satisfied.
But when we grow up, our parents can't hug us and hold us high, as we did as children, so we develop other ways to replace the hunger and thirst of physical stimulation, such as a smile that represents pleasure, a sincere compliment, or a frown that represents disapproval, or an angry scolding.
It is worth noting that if a child is often scolded by his parents as a child, he may form such a soothing pattern to satisfy his body's hunger and thirst, and when he grows up, he may continue to interact with people in this way. For example, being beaten by someone, or domestic violence against others.
Therefore, as an adult, if you often punish children through physical punishment in life, or solve your emotional problems with your lover, then you have to think carefully, for your own physical stimulation needs, do you want to change to a healthier and safer way to obtain? That's what we're thinking about.
Regarding the way to appease, we can make such an imagination. A baby grows up slowly, in the process of growing up, through the interaction with parents, he will find: parents are sometimes pleasant to themselves, whispering softly, willing to satisfy themselves, willing to take care of themselves, like to hug themselves; sometimes, they obey and cooperate, parents will reward themselves, praise themselves, pull hands, pat shoulders; sometimes, parents are cold to themselves, ignore us, or blame us, and ignore our requests, ignore, or are not satisfied.
The experience of these interactions let him know that parents sometimes verbally affirm certain behaviors of us or prevent us from doing certain things; sometimes they affirm or prevent us from doing certain things through actions; they may smile at us when they are happy and make us food; when they are not satisfied with our behavior, they interrupt us with gestures; if they do well in the exam, they will be rewarded; they will be rewarded for disobedience and bad performance; they will ignore us.
Thus, the patterns of reassurance are: verbal, non-verbal; positive and negative; conditional and unconditional.
That from the perspective of realistic experience, when a parent praises the child in positive language, the expression is certainly not bitter and hateful but happy and happy, that is, the positive language appeasement will be accompanied by positive nonverbal information passed to the child at the same time; in the same way, criticizing a child, you cannot be very happy, or it is very indifferent, your non-verbal information must be consistent with the language information.
Therefore, when you give positive reassurance to people, you must also be aware of whether your expressions, emotions, voices, tone, etc. are consistent with your language information, and when you give negative reassurance to people, you must also be aware of whether your non-verbal information is consistent? Otherwise, your behavior and language are divisive.
Normally, we would think that a person definitely wants more, unconditional positive reassurance, and there will be less conditional reassurance or negative reassurance; asking for positive reassurance will definitely be greater than negative reassurance. But the truth is that if we don't get unconditional appeasement, then conditional appeasement is okay, not positive appeasement, negative appeasement is OK, in short, appeasement is better than no appeasement.
Because almost everyone has experienced the positive appeasement they want in their own growth process and can't get it, we may think of many ways to get that appeasement, according to the theory of appeasement, when we find that the positive can't be obtained, we will try our best to get negative appeasement.
For example, a 7-month-old baby, he hopes that his mother will pick himself up, he still can't speak, he yells at his mother, but the mother does not hold him, the baby calls several times, the mother still does not hold him, so he cried. Hearing his cries, Mom picked him up. The more interactions like this, the little baby will think that only the mother who is crying will hold herself. When he grows up, he may also cry and shed tears in exchange for comfort.
A two-year-old child, when he saw others eating colored marshmallows, he also wanted to eat them, and he told his mother that I would eat them too. His mother refused his request, saying that sugar was not good for the body and was not allowed to eat it, but the child still wanted to eat it, he begged his mother, spoiled, and then he lay on the ground and cried, banging his head on the ground, and his mother beat him angrily. In the end, I bought it for him. More interactions like this, the child will learn that crying can achieve his own goals, and when he becomes an adult, he may repeat the pattern of his childhood, and get negative comfort by crying and venting.
In real life, those who often punish themselves are actually repeating the pattern of his childhood. Thinking that positive appeasement cannot be obtained, only ways to create opportunities and get negative appeasement, this mode of appeasement has become a habit of theirs.
Learn TA, help grow, love language to accompany you!