Loving children is the instinct of parents, but if you want to educate your children well, you need reason and wisdom.
Loving children is the instinct of parents, as long as it is good for children, parents are willing to do anything.
But if you want to educate your children well, the important thing is not what parents do for their children, but know what not to do, which requires reason and wisdom.
The famous educator Makarenko of the former Soviet Union said:
"Children may suffer from the inadequacy of their parents' love, but they will also be corrupted by that excessive sense of greatness.
Reason should become a constant moder in homeschooling, otherwise children will develop the worst characteristics and behaviors under the best motives of their parents. ”
Many parents, love their children lack of measure, do everything for them, take care of everything, do too much for their children, let the children lose the opportunity to develop, but hinder the growth of children.
In life, when you find that your child has these 5 manifestations, you need to be vigilant - reflect on your own education methods and withdraw the "overstretched hands" in time.
1
Often blame parents and shirk responsibility
A junior high school homeroom teacher I know once said this:
One day, a girl in the class forgot to bring the registration form for the competition, so she called his mother and asked her to send it over.
After an hour, mom ran to his office breathlessly and handed in the registration form.
Unexpectedly, the girl who was waiting on the side frowned when she saw her mother come in, looked displeased, and blamed her: "You didn't remind me in the morning, really, almost delayed the big thing!" ”
Mom apologized sheepishly to the teacher, as if she had done something wrong.
The class teacher said he was shocked. It was the height of summer, due to her own negligence, let her mother help send things in the hot sun, the girl did not have a sense of guilt, but blamed her mother, and shirked her responsibility completely.
Observation found that such children are not in the minority, things are not done well, things go wrong, immediately blamed on the parents, do not feel that it is their own responsibility.
Like what:
When I was a child, I was criticized by the teacher for writing my homework wrong, and I blamed my parents for not checking it out; I forgot to bring the books, and I blamed my parents for not helping me put themselves in my bag in advance...
When I grow up, I don't like the major I choose, and I blame my parents for not helping me; after graduation, I can't find a job, and I blame my parents for not knowing a strong person who can help me...
If parents usually make a big package and take care of what should be their children's own things, they will feel that those things are what parents should do, and they will lose the opportunity to take responsibility.
For example, wake up your child every morning; help your child pack his school bag and prepare the clothes he will wear for school the next day; the child forgets to bring books/lunch and sends it to school for the child; and often reminds the child in every detail that he is afraid that the child will forget things.
When the parents do not do a good job at one time, or forget to remind, there is a problem, the child will complain and blame the parents.
Moreover, due to the lack of exercise, children often lack thinking about things, and they are easy to lose and think carefully.
Wisdom education should be to return the responsibility that belongs to the child to the child, so that the child can take responsibility for his own affairs, only in this way can the child achieve real growth.
2
Lazy, not fond of hands-on work
Often parents reflect that the child is particularly lazy at home, instructing him to do something for half a day without moving, it is not easy to get up is also to pull his face, complain, do things to perfunctory, or have to come to the aftermath.
After three or four times, the parents did not bother to call the child, and simply pulled it down.
Nowadays, children are treasures at home, and many parents convey the concept to their children:
"You just need to do a good job of studying, you don't have to take care of other things."
Therefore, the child played a small "ten fingers do not stick to the spring water", and the parents contracted all the housework, helping the child wash clothes, tidy up the room, clean up the desk...
Slowly we will find that the child's mind is focused on learning, and the most direct result is not the improvement of academic performance, but the ability and willingness to do it are getting lower and lower, and they become lazy and loose.
And this kind of laziness in life, not loving hands, will also be more or less transferred to learning, cutting corners on learning tasks, not loving to think, and giving up when encountering problems...
Without experiencing the hardships of labor, it is difficult for children to understand the hardships of their parents and will not be considerate and concerned about their parents.
I don't know if you have found that the vast majority of children who study well and think flexibly are more diligent and have strong hands-on ability, do their own things, and are happy to help their parents do housework.
I once saw a 10-year-old boy on the news, who not only set his own alarm clock every day to get up, brush his teeth, get dressed, but also go out to buy breakfast by himself.
Every time before going out, in addition to checking whether the bag has any things, he will also help his parents throw away the garbage.
The boy's mother said: "As long as he can do it, I want him to do it himself, not rely on us." ”
The more diligent the parent, the more he does, the more lazy the child becomes. If you want your child to take care of themselves independently, be diligent and clever, parents should be appropriately "lazy" and give their children more opportunities to do things.
The things you can do for children to do on their own, such as learning to wear clothes and shoes by themselves, tidying up their housework, washing some light and small clothes, and brushing shoes;
Do the housework within your reach, leave it to the children to do, such as washing dishes, choosing dishes, placing dishes and chopsticks, sweeping and mopping the floor...
3
Without an opinion, big things and small things must go to the parents
From kindergarten, elementary school to high school, college, and even after entering the society, I have seen such children, when they encounter things, they have no idea at all, they can't make up their minds, and they have to find parents to find a way for big and small things.
When I was a child, the teacher assigned an extracurricular assignment to ask his parents for help; he wanted to apply for an interest class and asked his parents if they wanted to report or what to report; he quarreled with a good friend and asked his parents what to do...
When you get to college, when to change the thick quilt, how to buy a computer, whether to participate in volunteer teaching, etc., you must call your parents to ask for their opinions.
After graduation, looking for a job, the interview should be accompanied by parents; he was dissuaded and asked his parents to help call the company leader...
We say that such children, no matter how old they are, are still "giant babies" psychologically, because they lack the ability of an adult to think independently, weigh the pros and cons, make decisions, and find ways to solve problems.
If parents hover over their children like helicopters, inseparable, do everything for them, and help their children solve some difficulties immediately, under such airtight protection and attention, they will let children form a dependence psychology, do not like to use their brains to think, have low problem-solving skills, and are difficult to make independent decisions.
Ichiro Kishimi, the author of The Courage to Teach, once said something about his childhood:
That day, he was going to a classmate's party and came home to discuss whether he could go with his mother. Mom casually said a word: "You just decide this kind of thing yourself." ”
This sentence instantly made Kishimi Ichiro feel that he had grown up, that he could make decisions, and that he could bear the consequences of his own decisions.
In life, parents should pay attention to cultivating their children's ability to think independently and solve problems, do not let their children immediately help him deal with problems as soon as they encounter trouble, guide him to think independently, and find ways to solve problems.
As the child grows, give the child more decision-making power and choice, let him weigh it up, make decisions independently, and bear the corresponding consequences.
What parents should do is to give their children reminders or suggestions when necessary to help him improve his ideas, so that his children's growth potential can be maximized.
4
Poor learning initiative and lack of self-discipline
Children's inactivity and self-discipline in learning is a common distress of many parents.
If you don't urge or roar, you won't think about studying; you won't be serious about writing homework, rubbing, and perfunctory...
Exploring the root causes, some children have poor learning initiative and lack of self-discipline, which is due to parents interfering and interfering too much in learning, and children lack a sense of autonomy.
Being arranged and ordered to do something and deciding to do something is not the same as the child's mental activity, and the initiative and enthusiasm of doing things are not the same.
Deci and Ryan, two psychologists who have had a major influence on contemporary motivation theory, argue that all people, including children, have three basic psychological needs: a sense of belonging, autonomy, and competence.
Autonomy is an essential factor in the formation of an internal drive, that is, the child feels that he can make his own decisions.
When parents control too much in their children's learning, always arrange their children's learning content and plans according to their own ideas, it will reduce the child's sense of autonomy, thereby affecting the child's initiative and consciousness in learning.
Therefore, when you find that your child is very negative, sluggish, and has poor self-control in learning, you can reflect on whether you usually interfere and control too much.
Give your child the opportunity to learn on their own, decide when to write homework, how to spend the weekend... With relative freedom, children can become self-disciplined.
5
Lack of self-confidence, encounter difficulties to avoid withdrawal
In the program "The Boy Who Opened His Heart", the boy He Yike once told his troubles like this:
"I'm very happy every day, I don't have to do anything, my parents will help me finish it, but this is also a little bit bad, a lot of things my classmates will do, but I won't." 」
In almost every class, you can see such children: timid and introverted, not dare to take the initiative to interact with people; like to escape and withdraw when facing challenging tasks; easy to collapse and give up when encountering difficulties.
A large part of the children who have such performance are related to the fact that their parents have done too much and lack exercise.
Psychologist and author Dr. Madeleine Levine wrote in her book Soft Power for Children:
"The biggest harm lurking in a child's life is not an accident such as a stranger falling from the sky on the street, but that parents do too much for their children, resulting in a decline in their mental health level."
Parents always feel that taking care of their children meticulously is for the good of their children, but in fact, they deprive their children of their sense of achievement and self-confidence.
In the experience of doing things independently, such as eating by yourself, getting dressed, cleaning up the room, cleaning, helping your parents... Children are able to feel empowered, gain a sense of control, and build true self-confidence.
In addition, in these practices and exercises, the child has the opportunity to experience frustration, he will understand that it is normal to make mistakes and failures, and learn the correct coping methods under the guidance of his parents, and gradually become strong inside.
It is conceivable that children who lack exercise are not confident in their own abilities, which affects self-esteem; their hearts are fragile and sensitive, they cannot resist criticism, and their ability to resist setbacks is also very low, so they dare not face challenges and difficulties.
To be truly good for their children, parents should respect the needs of independence and autonomy in the process of their children's growth, and allow children to try, explore, make mistakes and fail.
Only the child's personal practice and experience can become his lifelong wealth.
What do you think?
Source | Qian Zhiliang studio
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