"If you don't obey, you'll be sold!" Because of a joke, Fu Jiantao was abducted for 14 years and did not dare to look for relatives
Last week, everyone's mood was affected by a news item on the hot search.
The prototype of the movie "Dear" Sun Haiyang and Sun Zhuo father and son recognize each other.
But the joy is also filled with helpless anger and sadness: Sun Zhuo and the so-called "adoptive parents" have developed feelings in their long lives and are reluctant to return to their biological parents.
As many netizens said: Parents have lost their children again.
Fortunately, after careful consideration, Sun Zhuo was finally willing to return to his biological parents to study, although there were twists and turns, and finally ushered in a good ending.
At the same time, like Sun Zhuo, there is also Fu Jiantao, although the news is relatively low, but a closer look at his story, you will find that there is a detail that is more worthy of every parent's deep consideration.
01
A heartless word
Make a journey to find your family even longer
Like Sun Zhuo, Fu Jiantao was abducted at the age of 4, but he was always suspicious of his origins.
After being sold to his new home, Fu Jiantao has always had doubts about the people around him: why is my parents in front of me different from before, why my living environment has changed so much...
He knew in his heart that this was not his own biological parents, but he did not dare to ask, nor did he dare to say.
Because Fu Jiantao was a lively and mischievous child when he was a child, and his brother's personality was relatively introverted and obedient.
Therefore, in order to make Fu Jiantao obedient, his mother Peng Dongying would often scare him: if you don't obey anymore, you won't want you and sell you.
It is also this sentence, even if Fu Jiantao took advantage of a blood test when he was in junior high school to confirm that his current parents were not his own parents, he did not dare to ask.
Because he thought that this was a deal agreed by both sides, even if he was very sad and sad, he could only secretly resolve to find his biological parents to ask for the truth when he had the ability to make money in the future.
And this difference is 14 years.
02
Your love and hurt, children will remember
Many of my generation are "scared" to graduate, so we always love to use the same method to educate the next generation:
Hurry up, swallow it slowly, believe it or not I'll leave you here!
Cry and cry, and if you cry again, you will be thrown out!
Why are you so disobedient, and I don't want you anymore!
If you don't sleep, I'm going to let the big bad wolf eat you!"
……
Are these words familiar?
There are no 100% well-behaved and obedient children in the world, and when children are mischievous and mischievous, it is inevitable that they will be half intimidating and half threatening.
However, young children, the brain and mind development is immature, he can not judge whether other people's words are joking, scaring him or telling the truth.
Coupled with unconditional trust in his parents and a sense of authority in his heart, he will receive every message from his parents without filtering.
If his parents say it repeatedly, it will make him even more convinced.
But such a result is not simply to stop some current behaviors, let the child obediently obey, but also stimulate the fear of the child being abandoned, not loved, and even have serious consequences.
03
Sometimes they don't know it's wrong
Just afraid of being abandoned
Of all the fears, the most terrifying thing for a child is "abandonment."
I remember that on a certain variety show, a 4-year-old baby Ball Ball cried a lot because of an argument with his brother, and was locked up in a small room by his father to calm down, and told her over and over again: "Don't cry before you can come out, and apologize to your brother." ”
At first, the ball that was locked up in the "little black room" still cried and wanted to come out, and said that he would not apologize to his brother.
Seeing that it was useless to cry and slap the door, the little girl lay sadly on the bed, and her face was full of grievances.
In the end, in order to leave this environment, Qiu Qiu had to compromise with his father and apologize to his brother.
The father of the ball feels that it is his own method that works, and the child becomes obedient and sensible, but he does not know that the child is just afraid!
When the ball is "abandoned in the small black room" alone, the emotion of fear prevails, and the pressure has to make compromises, and there is an "illusion" of admitting mistakes.
Therefore, the reason for this illusion is not that the child really knows that he is wrong, but because he is afraid.
For children, there are too many unknowns in this world.
Darkness, unfamiliar environments, adult anger, etc., these are all unknown factors that children cannot face and bear independently, and the parents who get along day and night are the only people they can trust and rely on.
If even the trusted parents have to "abandon" themselves, this is undoubtedly the most terrible thing for the child.
So please don't think that "I don't want you anymore" is just a joke, these are all sharp arrows shooting at the child's heart.
Looking back on Fu Jiantao's experience, in the past 14 years, Fu Jiantao's mother Peng Dongying has never given up looking for a son, and after hardships, she finally harvested a happy ending.
But if there is no joke of "if you don't obey anymore", there is no fear of abandonment, and the child's sense of security is not destroyed, then this two-way journey can be shortened a lot.
Life cannot be assumed, only hope that in the future, parents, when educating their children, choose to tell the truth:
"Mom and Dad love you, no matter what, they won't sell you, but you are so naughty and mischievous, this behavior will make Mom and Dad very angry, you have to be a child who does not add too much chaos, so that we will love you more." 」
Parent MOOC message
We often criticize children for not doing well, but we forget to show love to our children, or we are ashamed to express love to our children. Criticizing a person is of course good for him, but also learn to express love to the child, not only to value the former and ignore the latter.
Learn to say love to your baby and affirm the meaning of your child's existence, so that they can be sure that they are needed and grow up more confidently.
If you want to change your child, of course, you must start by changing yourself. Educating children and guiding children to deal with emotions is never a simple process, and parents need to be patient and lead by example. After all, the road to parenting is a long way to go.
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